


Knight in a Three-Piece Suit

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Gang Rape, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kidnapped, M/M, Protective Barba, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Self-Blame, Slow Burn, Surgery, Violence, emotional scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-06 22:06:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 39
Words: 84,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14657169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Barba and you find yourselves in a sticky situation that will not only alter your life as you know it, but also how you view each other. Can you make it out in tact or will you both be forever changed?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would have posted this last night, but ao3 sighed out as you know lol....
> 
> I’m literally a terrible person for writing this. It’s gonna get graphic, and violent, but at the end of the day it’s a happy story I promise. It’s dark but not long term necessarily like Picking Up the Pieces. I hurt Barba wayyy tooo much...
> 
> Anyways, as I always, I’d love comments if you have some for me. Thanks for reading guys!! The plan is for me to finish this and at least one other before I get back to demons but I have another thing that’s working rn too so we’ll see. I’ll keep you updated on my plans

You knew you were a load of trouble. The warm summer breeze was blowing your hair into your face, a soft contrast to the bruising grip on your arms. They had shoved you face first against a brick wall, wrenching your arms behind your back and slipping plastic zip ties around your wrists. The unyielding plastic was cutting into your skin already, a numb feeling spreading throughout your arms. At some point, someone had slipped a blindfold over your eyes, but you weren’t entirely sure when due to the pounding sensation in your head. It was hard to think straight after someone bashed your face into a brick wall a few times. As you were thrown into the back of something, landing with a soft exhale of breath, you wondered how you ended up in that position at all. You had been pulling a late shift at work, trying to finish some paperwork when Barba, of all people, had shown up to speak with Liv. Your boss left long before either one of you. You wished you had left when he did, more than a half hour before you had finally made your way out of the office because then maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation. 

After the door slammed shut and you heard a motor startup, you tested the zip ties, pulling just slightly. If you could just get something to put pressure on them--you rolled slightly right into something solid. A soft exhale of breath made you freeze. You weren’t the only in the back of the vehicle, and now that you had your face pressed up against whoever it was, you thought you recognized something. It took you a second, but right as the man started to speak it clicked in your mind. No one else smelled like that. “You think you could get your elbow out of my side,” his voice was dry with humor and surprisingly calm. 

“Barba?” you whispered. 

“Unfortunately,” he mumbled back. You could feel the vibrations of his voice from deep in his chest, where your face apparently was situated. 

“Are you okay? You’re not hurt?” you asked softly. 

“A few little scratches,” he whispered, “Nothing permanent. I would certainly like to get out of here though. My arms have fallen asleep,” 

“Okay, my phone is in my back pocket,” you said softly, “I can’t reach it, but if I roll over, you might be able to,” You quickly shifted onto your back and then your side so he could try and pull your phone out of your pocket. 

“So what took you so long?” he asked jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. You could hear the nervous edge to his voice. He was slowly losing his composure, the humor acting as a defense mechanism to try and mask his emotions. 

“Have you been in here since you left the office?” you asked softly. He didn’t answer for a moment, grunting softly as he groped around for your phone, mumbling apologies when he brushed your ass instead. You didn’t answer, ignoring the butterflies in your stomach and scratching them up to your current situation. Finally, you felt him start to pull it out, but it was a slow process and sounded painful as his arms were already bent into a weird position. 

“They jumped me halfway down the street. I was looking at my phone and then there were three guys on top of me,” he replied, “Bashed my face into the concrete for my trouble. I think they got blood on my shirt,” he sounded annoyed at that, and you had to laugh. 

“I think your stained shirt is the least of our problems,” you whispered, “You have the phone?” 

“Yeah,” he murmured. You turned over, trying to get the blindfold off your eyes somehow. You managed to dislodge it enough that you could see your iPhone in Barba’s hand. His fingers looked worryingly white like the blood flow had been cut off a long time ago. You weren’t sure how he had managed to grab your phone at all, much less pull it from your pocket. 

“Can you scroll down a little?” you asked softly. His arms tensed, but he managed to do as you asked. “Okay, move your finger down just a little,” He moved it right past, “Too far, up just a tiny bit,” His finger was now hovering over Liv’s name in your contacts. “Okay click,” Now you had a problem. You weren’t sure how he was going to get his fingers to the middle of the screen. It was a stretch to click anything on the side. 

“Don’t you have Siri?” he hissed. 

“It’s been acting up. I don’t think it’ll work,” you explained. Your phone had been problematic since you got it, acting up and needing fixed multiple times. The latest episode in its saga of torture had been Siri wigging out and randomly calling people or turning things off on your phone. Rafael held down the home button all the same until it made a dinging noise, 

“Siri, call Liv,” he said, and the phone started ringing. Your face lit up, but then the sound died down in the background, and oh God, you were definitely stopped. The door swung open right as you heard Liv’s voice filtering out from the speaker, 

“Hello? Y/N?” 

“What the fuck do you two think you’re doing!?” he exclaimed, stepping on Rafael’s hand so hard that the lawyer let out a scream. He proceeded to crush your phone beneath his foot, tossing the pieces out of the back of the vehicle. You could see the night sky and a road behind you, but you had no idea where you were. It was very dark outside, and the flashlight the man was shining in your face made your head hurt even worse. “Whose phone was that?” he asked, kneeling down beside you, “Huh? Was it yours pretty lady?” he brushed some hair away from your face before grabbed your chin in a painful grasp. You let out a pained sound. 

“It was mine,” Rafael’s voice cut through the tense silence, “It was mine,” The man let out a chuckle, 

“We can’t have that can we,” he said softly, and you tensed as he pulled out a big knife, fear gripping you. He cut Rafael’s zip ties, setting the knife down and calming you down slightly. The man pressed a knee into Rafael’s back, “I was hoping to get you there in one piece, but you just had to misbehave already,” he whispered, wrenching the lawyer’s arm back, and then in one motion, snapping the bone. Rafael screamed louder than you’d ever heard before. His scream died down into painful gasps, but he quieted himself quickly, only hissing slightly when he was restrained once more. “If I catch you doing anything like that again, I won’t be so kind next time,” you both were silent until the door shut, and then you were quickly shifting into mothering mode. You hated hearing Rafael’s harsh breathing that was picking up again now that you were alone. Knowing he was in pain made you hurt especially because it was to protect you. You tried to ignore the feeling deep in your stomach of intense panic. 

“Barba, try to stay calm,” you whispered, “I know it hurts,” 

“I’m fine,” he hissed, “No problem. I’m perfectly calm,” You scooted closer to him, managing to get him propped up against you, but you couldn’t do much to help, 

“Why would you do that?” you whispered, your voice distorted by tears, “I wish you wouldn’t have,” 

“Come on, my mother raised me right,” he whispered, “What kind of man would I be if I let them hurt you? Not when I could help,” 

“I don’t need protecting Barba,” you scolded, but after a few minutes of silence, you added a soft, “But, thank you,” 

“Don’t mention it,” he murmured, breathing heavily, “We need to get out of here. This was planned. They waited around for you,” 

“We’ll figure it out,” you promised, “We have to be patient, find the right time,” The rest of the ride passed with small talk, him telling you about his mother with your prompting of course. You were trying to distract him from the pain, and he liked to talk. You couldn’t say you weren’t interested in his life, he barely spoke about it at work, and now was as good a time as any. When the truck stopped, you both went quiet, and then you were being dragged somewhere. You heard Rafael grunt and then you landed on something semi-soft, and the blindfold was being pulled from your face. You blinked a few times, vision clearing. You were in a dank basement with concrete walls and floors, a dirty mattress below you. There was one little light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and no windows. Barba was laying on his stomach, and his arm was black and blue and incredibly swollen, peeking out from a ripped sleeve. His suit jacket was stained with blood and torn in a few places, his pants scuffed with dirt and his hair was all over the place. There was a man standing there, watching you in a way that made you shiver, 

“Welcome to your home for the next few days,” he said in a low voice. He had dark hair and a handsome face, and he looked strong enough to pin Barba easily on his own. “You better rest up, cause it’s gonna be a long day,” he knelt down beside you, taking the zip ties off. You immediately went to start helping Barba, but he stopped you, “No, he stays restrained,” 

“But his arm—” the man slapped you so hard you saw stars and felt dizzy, 

“He did that to himself. You have bigger things to worry about little lady,” he said as he caressed your cheek before leaving the room. Barba went back to breathing in harsh gasps, and you tried to maneuver him onto his back, but it was too painful. You ran a gentle hand through his hair, trying to calm him down. He was pale and damp with sweat, 

“Just breathe Barba, it’s okay,” You whispered. 

“I won’t let them hurt you, don’t worry,” he whispered. 

“Just relax, I’m not worried,” you lied, wanting to placate him. 

“Get some sleep. I’m fine,” he said softly. You shook your head, “Really, I promise. I’ve had worse,” 

“Just shush and stay still,” You said. He rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah like I was going anywhere,” he mumbled. 

“You try and get some sleep, I can’t have you grumpy tomorrow, and we all know how you get without your coffee,” you teased. He laughed at that, but nodded, knowing he had to keep his strength up. He curled up beside you, shutting his eyes. He wasn’t quite asleep, so you started talking to him softly and he relaxed, even more, drifting out of consciousness. You stared at his finally relaxed face and sighed. As you watched his soft features, you couldn’t help but think about how much he had grown to mean to you. You and Barba had been becoming closer and closer lately, spending copious amounts of time together because of cases. He was easy to talk to, and so incredibly intelligent. You had to reign in your wandering mind, focusing on the situation at hand. Barba was in a lot of pain, and who knew what they had planned for you tomorrow. You stood up, looking around to see if there was any possible way out. There were no windows or other doors, one small air vent that neither of you could possibly fit in, and there wasn’t much down there save for the mattress. The door looked solid and you tested the knob cautiously. It was locked. You sighed and returned to the mattress where Barba was still soundly sleeping. He looked exhausted, dark bags under his eyes. You knew he was so busy recently, a case totally taking over every moment he had. Just a few days before, he texted you in a panic at two in the morning, asking where a file was. You had called him and told him to get his ass home and in bed, but you weren’t sure if he’d listened. As you laid there, you thought about your evolving relationship and wondered if those lopsided smirks were just friendly or there was something more gnawing at the handsome attorney. You had been wrestling with the feelings that were bubbling right under the surface and intensifying the more time you spent together, and you hated that you were glad he was the one you were with right now. You, of course, weren’t glad that he was in danger, but you felt safer with him, somehow more calm, and you needed to be clear and level-headed to get out of this situation. You had to believe that you’d find a way to get out. You had to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take two of trying to meet Raúl Esparza comes this summer!!! I literally was scrambling to make to to New York to see the Waves which Raúl is the creative Consultant on. Hopefully he will be there on the post show discussion nights (which I very much believe he will be) and if I’m lucky I’ll get to see him! 
> 
> As for this, idk where this story even came from, but it’s so dark and I really kicked the crap outta Barba again. But you’ll be happy to know I have two things coming up where he remains relatively unharmed....one is questionable I guess but it’s minor. 
> 
> Anyways let me know what you guys think!

A loud sound startled you from your light slumber. You opened your eyes, blinking and wondering where the hell you were for a few moments. When you heard a low grunt from beside you, the voice sounding distinctly like Barba, everything came tumbling back. You groaned. You hadn’t meant to fall asleep, and now there were approaching footsteps, and you had no idea what to do. “Y/N,” Rafael’s voice was soft, but you didn’t get a chance to answer. 

“Good morning,” the voice was overly cheery, and made the hair stand up on the back of your neck. You found yourself scooting closer to Barba, but they kept coming toward you. The tall man from the day before kneeled down beside you, running his fingers through your hair, “We’re gonna have so much fun with you,” he whispered, “Guys,” The other two came over and they started to grab you and drag you out. You clenched your jaw, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of hearing you beg. You could see Rafael’s wide green eyes looking at you, and your heart sunk when he started to struggle,

“No! No, don’t take her!” It was enough to get the man’s attention. They stopped, and he looked curiously back at Barba who was trying to turn onto his back. “Take-Take me,” his voice was soft, sounding almost scared, but then he repeated himself firmly, “Take me,” The tall man stopped, bit his lip, and gave Barba a once over, his gaze going dark as he stared at the attorney’s ass, 

“Yeah, you know what, okay. You want some little guy? Go get him,” he finally said, “Put her back,” You felt panic start to build up inside you, some relief, but major panic. They threw you back onto the mattress, and you immediately reached for Barba, tears starting to pour down your cheeks, 

“No, Barba, no,” you whispered, but he gave you a soft smile as they grabbed him roughly, jerking him around. The slight grimace of pain didn’t escape you. As he disappeared out the door, you broke down, starting to sob. He had just done that for you, and you knew he was going to suffer greatly for that sacrifice. You settled back, leaning against the wall, trying to think of anything but what could possibly be happening in the other room, but you couldn’t stay oblivious for long. First you heard some laughing, loud and condescending, catcalls and whistles. You wanted to cover your ears, but if Barba had to endure it, you wouldn’t allow yourself to desert him. You could hear their low voices, but you couldn’t make out the words. You dropped your head into your hands when you heard grunts and loud noises like they were beating him with something. It felt like it was going on forever, thud after thud and loud groaning, and you wished it would end. When you heard the screaming start, you couldn’t just sit there anymore. It was Barba’s voice, sounding hoarse, as loud as he could, and there was more laughing and heavy breathing. You stood up, going over to the door and curling up on the floor, your palm pressed flat to the wood. You wanted to help him more than anything. 

“Shut up bitch,” the man’s voice was low, gravelly with arousal. You heard low, low groaning that sounded exhausted, and you knew it was him. 

“S-Stop,” his voice was so soft, but you could still tell what he was saying. He screamed again, but then it was muffled and there were just hours and hours of terrible noises. You weren’t sure how long it had been or what time it was when it finally stopped. 

“Get up!” the voice was harsh, followed by another thud and a low groan, and finally a soft sobbing noise. You scrambled up to your feet, wiping your face, and settling back down on the mattress. It wasn’t more than ten minutes later when the door opened, and he stumbled in, clutching his formerly pristine button down around his body. It was blood stained, torn, and missing all but two buttons. His arms were wrapped protectively around his abdomen. His face was red, eye already swelling up, blood trickling down from his temple and what looked to be a gash at his hairline. His eyes looked dead and dazed, the area around his mouth red with abrasions. His thighs were streaked with black and blue marks and fluid seeping out from under his red boxer briefs. They were the color that his tie had been. His lip quivered as a firm push between his shoulder blades sent him stumbling forward again, and this time, he couldn’t stop himself from collapsing face first onto the dirty mattress. The tall, dark haired man who appeared to be in charge came closer, kneeling down and landing a firm slap on Barba’s ass, drawing a tortured groan from the smaller man. He grabbed a handful of dark locks, dragging the lawyer’s face up and pressing a messy kiss to his lips before letting his head drop once more. “Wow, you were pretty great little guy,” he whispered, petting Barba’s head possessively, “You’ve done this before?” he asked. 

“Be a victim of gang rape?” Rafael shot back almost immediately, his voice hoarse and soft, but surprisingly steady, “I can’t say that I have,” The man laughed, patting his ass one more time before heading out the door and locking it. A few minutes after the door clicked shut, Barba’s chest started heaving, little choked noises escaping him. Your mouth opened, but then snapped shut. You didn’t know what to do, but after a moment, you reminded yourself that he was just another victim. You worked with victims every day. 

“Barba, try to breathe,” you whispered, “What do you need right now?” you asked, trying to keep your eyes away from his thighs that were littered with handprints and finger sized bruises. 

“Help me up,” he whispered, and you were taken aback for a second. He was insistent though, “Help me up, please Y/N,” You reached under his arms, helping him up to his knees. He inched forward, bracing himself with his hands and then starting to vomit. He was gagging after that, panting as he tried to calm down. You helped him maneuver back down, and he hissed in pain, grabbing for his arm. He was sobbing softly, his eyes fluttering shut. There was dried blood streaked down his inner thighs and his hamstrings, and you wanted to offer to try and clean him up, but you didn’t have anything to wash him with. You stood up, walking around until you found a case of water bottles tucked behind some junk. You tore it open hastily, grabbing two or three and taking them back over. 

“Barba, I’m gonna help you turn on your back, okay?” You asked softly. He let out a harsh gasp before nodding, and you pushed him gently onto his side with the non broken arm. He did the rest himself, shifting onto his back. He sucked in a sharp breath, his face scrunching up with pain, and you didn’t know what to do, “Hey, breathe, I’m gonna prop you up and give you a little bit of water okay?” 

“But—But evidence,” he mumbled weakly. You stopped, looking him over again. 

“I don’t know how long we’re gonna be here Barba, I have no way out right now,” You whispered. 

“My phone,” he mumbled, “My phone,” You brushed some hair away from his forehead, 

“What about it?” You asked gently, 

“Under the mattress,” he whispered, “I put it there this morning,” You got down on your knees, digging under the mattress until your hand wrapped around the cool plastic. You pulled it out, clicking the home button, hope surging through you when it was dashed by two little words in the top left hand corner. No service. 

“God dammit,” You hissed. 

“What?” He croaked, and you felt tears filling your eyes. You shoved the phone back under, gently putting both your hands under his shoulders and easing him up so he could lean against you, “What is it Y/N?” He asked softly. 

“No service,” You whispered, unscrewing the cap to the water. “You can’t get dehydrated. We’ll worry about evidence later,” You said softly, “I just want to get you out of here alive,” He nodded weakly, letting you tilt the bottle against his lips. He choked at first, coughing and sputtering which brought more pain, but when he recovered from that, he managed to drink some water for you. “How bad are you bleeding?” You asked softly. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “Probably bad. They didn’t use any….” he trailed off with a choked sob. You didn’t know what to do. 

“Okay, let’s get you laying back down again. Try to get some sleep. It’s gonna be okay,” you whispered. 

“Check my upper body first, see if there’s any bad bleeding there,” He whispered. You eased the shirt off of his arms, earning multiple sharp intakes of breath. His ribs on the one side were black and blue, dark, deep bruises across the obviously misshapen bones. 

“Give it me straight,” He whispered, but you didn’t want to worry him. 

“Some bruising on your ribs,” you finally said softly, “They might be broken. How’s breathing feel?” 

“Like there is glass in my chest,” he whispered. 

“You’re gonna have a lot more bruising, but that seems to be the worst of it,” you told him gently. “I’m gonna wrap your arm with my jacket, and hopefully that will help support it some,” There were little tiny wood planks laying around, so you grabbed two of them, forming a makeshift splint for his arm. You got his shirt back on him, and gently laid him down on his stomach. He was still breathing heavily, on the edge of hyperventilating, and there were tears dripping down his cheeks, he swiped at them with his good hand, 

“Talk to me,” He whispered, “I can calm myself down if you talk to me,” 

“Do you want me to sleep on the floor?” You asked softly, and he laughed, but shook his head. 

“I’m okay, but thank you though,” he replied. 

“Do you want to hear a UC story?” You asked after a few minutes. He didn’t answer, but you took it as a yes. “So this one time, I was still working at narcotics, and I cut a deal at this little run down house in Jersey,” He laid there, looking at you through tired eyes as he tried to regulate his breathing and calm down while you talked. By the time you were nearing the end, he was growing more and more drowsy. “I got the warrant and we got a team together, and because of the hedges we came in from the back. We round the corner and there was no house,” Barba let out a laugh at that. “And you don’t even want to know what the judge said to me when I brought him that warrant back,” 

“So what you’re telling me is you lost a house,” he teased. 

“Shut up, they knocked it down,” you replied, and he laughed again. It was a deep, hearty sound that made you swell with pride and warm feelings spread through your chest. He let out a breathy grunt, grimacing in pain, so you scooted closer to him, “Can I touch you?” You asked softly. He gulped, pausing before nodding permission. You rubbed soft circles into his lower back, “Just try and relax. Tell me if anything I do makes it worse,” you started pressing just a little bit harder, but the noises he made were good, not pained. 

“Ah, that feels good,” he murmured. You moved up his back some, careful to avoid his ribs, and he sighed contentedly as you rubbed his neck and shoulders. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

“Don’t thank me, it’s my fault they did this to you,” you whispered. 

“Don’t say that, you know me and my suicidal streak,” he muttered with a lopsided smirk and a small laugh. He finally drifted off, and you tried to get some rest too, but you couldn’t stop hearing his screams that were now etched into your memory. You stared at the ceiling for a long time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really graphic and the worst of them all. Be warned....I’m awful, I know, but Rafael will be okay. I promise lol. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

You slept horribly, and when the door opened again, you blinked, feeling like you hadn’t managed to rest at all. Rafael had woken up at least once during the night, but you tried to give him privacy while he wept. You knew he would probably be embarrassed if he knew you heard. He looked exhausted, barely lifting his head or even blinking when they entered the room. You squeezed his hand, unsure of what was going to happen. The man came over to you again, and you tried to stay between him and Rafael who seemed barely aware of anything. “Your turn,” he whispered, and they started to pull you out again when Rafael rolled over, lifting himself up to his elbows, 

“What, you’re tired of me already?” He said sarcastically, and you wanted to scream at him. You weren’t sure he could take any more. 

“You want more after yesterday?” The guy asked, a smile spreading across his face, “You slut, you’re just full of surprises. Brad, go get him. I wouldn’t mind taking another turn on that ass. Bring her too, he’s gonna put on a show,” They dragged you out into the little room and shoved you toward a chair. It was brighter in there, another mattress on the floor, stained with blood and other fluids. 

“He reeks,” the one man complained as he half carried Barba toward the mattress, and the guy who was obviously in charge rolled his eyes, 

“What do you expect Brad, we fucked him all day yesterday and then locked him in the basement. Throw him in the shower then,” he said, irritation seeping into his voice. He came over and they started to tie you to the chair, first your legs in tight knots and then your arms were handcuffed behind your back, a torn piece of Rafael’s tie from the day before shoved into your mouth. You felt a pang of sadness. During the car ride, he told you it was his favorite because it was the last one his Abuelita bought him before she died, and every time he wore it in court, he won. The sound of the shower was loud enough that you could only hear most of what was going on in there. 

“Charlie! Get your ass in here, he can barely stand on his own!” The angry voice came from inside, echoing. The guy who had carried you in there went in the bathroom to help get Barba clean. 

“Stay still you worthless piece of shit!” There was some banging, and Rafael made a pained noise. When they dragged him out again, he was dripping wet and naked. You kept your gaze on his face, trying to give him some sense of privacy. He met your eyes, flashing you a gentle smile that was his way of telling you he was okay. They shoved him down onto all fours, and besides a yelp of pain when he put weight on his arm, he stayed silent and still. The dark haired man knelt beside Barba, running his fingers gently through the lawyer’s hair like he was petting a dog, 

“Are you gonna behave today?” He asked softly, “Cause I told you only good boys get lube,” Barba’s jaw clenched, but he nodded. “Say it,” you saw him shut his eyes, 

“I’ll be a good boy,” he murmured. 

“We’ll see about that,” the man murmured, patting Barba’s bare ass, “Brad, cuff his hands,” They secured his wrists together around a metal pipe, and the dark haired man knelt by his waist, pulling out a little bottle. You looked away, you didn’t want to see them hurt him like that. “Charlie, make her look over here,” The other man was by your side in an instant, forcing you to look as he slicked his fingers and started running them over Barba’s abused entrance. The lawyer hissed in pain, and it quickly turned to sobbing sounds when he pressed two of them in at once, purposefully grazing sore spots that made Barba’s face contort. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, his voice low and gravelly. You could hear how much it was hurting him even in that one word, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” You wished you could talk to him and comfort him. 

“Spread your legs,” the man said, nudging Barba’s thighs. He didn’t move for a moment, but the man leaned in closer, “Now, now Rafi, You said you were gonna be good for me,” He made a few abortive movements, his chest starting to heave. He finally managed to widen his stance, his head hanging between his arms. The man fit a third finger in with the other two, laughing softly when Barba practically squealed, “We really did a number on him,” He scooted closer to Barba, pressing his fingers all the way in, “Fuck yourself on my fingers,” he didn’t move. “Either you do what I want, or I can pull her down from that chair, fuck her, all three of us at once, and then kill her while you watch,” Rafael whimpered, but he started trying to do as he was asked. He rocked himself forward, and then rolled his hips back, groaning in pain, but continuing to move. You pulled on your ties, hating that he not only had to endure the pain and humiliation, but he also had to know you were watching every second of it. His breathing was growing labored and pained, soft groans of agony accompanying every motion. He reached a hand around Barba’s hip, gripping his soft dick and giving it a few loose strokes.

“Please don’t,” Barba whispered, “Not that,” 

“You’re so big,” he murmured, kissing Barba’s lower back as he continued to touch him, “So big and pretty in my hand. Let yourself enjoy it, I know you like it. Don’t stop now, keep moving, you can do it,” You could see the tears dripping from Rafael’s face onto the mattress as he sobbed. 

“Alright baby, time for the real show,” he whispered breathily, petting Rafael again. He pulled his fingers free, coating himself in lube before pushing into the lawyer with a soft moan. Barba let out a sob, but then he quieted himself, panting as he tried to hold still. “That’s it, take it like a good boy,” His hands were holding his hips with a bruising grip, snapping in and out hard. Barba bit his lip and stayed silent. “Fuck, I really loosened him up yesterday,” He stopped, pulling out, “Relax a second cause I have a plan for you,” You were concerned now, and Rafael looked worried too, peeking back at you, his green eyes wide with fear. “One of you take him off the pole,” Brad unlocked his cuffs, relatching them onto his wrists, and then holding him up while he waited for further instruction. The dark haired man moved to sit down on the mattress and beckoned Brad forward. He shoved Barba forward to the man, and he had to slip the chain behind the man's head and steady himself with his hands flat on his shoulders as he knelt over his lap. He curled a hand around the lawyer’s hip, easing him forward, “That’s it, nice and easy,” he coaxed, nudging him until he was sinking back inside. Barba was facing you, his head falling forward, hair dropping into his eyes. Barba was holding himself up on his knees, breathing harshly. He cupped Barba’s cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, but it quickly grew hungry. “Brad get over here,” he said, pulling back slightly, “Just relax and this won’t hurt as bad,” Rafael was starting to panic. “Get the lube and start stretching him, you’re gonna get in there with me,” 

“No!” Barba exclaimed, starting to scratch at the man’s shoulders, but that earned him a blow to the head, “Too much,” he whispered, but they weren’t listening, “It won’t fit,” 

“Shh, shhh,” the man mumbled, stroking his hair again as Rafael began sobbing. You clenched your hands around the the armrests, your knuckles turning white. 

“No,” he breathed, sucking in a sharp intake of breath when Brad started shoving fingers inside him. He let his head fall forward onto the dark haired man’s shoulder, weeping softly, and then screaming again when the second man shoved inside him. “Please, stop, it’s too much,” 

“You gotta relax,” he whispered, stroking Barba’s side. The dark haired man held his hips steady and started slowly pressing up into him. Brad had his hands resting on Barba’s sides, pushing in from behind, and the lawyer looked out of it, his green eyes clouded with pain and glazed over. He could barely hold his head up, and each push and pull scraped high pitched noises from his throat. 

“Stop, stop, please,” he mumbled.

“Aw, I know it hurts, here,” the dark haired man whispered, reaching between their bodies. Judging by the way Barba bit his lip, and the tortured look on his face, he was trying to coax the lawyer into an erection again. When he lifted his head, you met his eyes, trying to help him. He kept your gaze, seemingly relaxing as he looked at you. That worked until Charlie got tired of being left out and went behind the dark haired man, gripping a handful of Barba’s dark locks and dragging his face forward toward his crotch. He gagged, his head jerking around like a rag doll as they worked him over. After it was all finally, blissfully over, he laid in a heap on the mattress, unmoving except for the sobs shaking his body. 

“Go rinse him off again, and get him some new briefs and a tee shirt,” the man said, standing up, and disappearing out a door that clicked shut. 

“Hold him still, I want another go,” Brad said softly, and Charlie nodded. Barba started thrashing around, but he was weak. Charlie held Rafael’s upper body still while Brad knelt behind him. You started rocking the chair, and you managed to knock over a light, making a loud crashing sound echo everywhere. The dark haired man came storming back through the door, looking angry, 

“What the fuck do you two idiots think you’re doing?” he asked. “I told you to get him in the fucking shower. You want to kill him? Get up right now, and you, get her back in there. I swear to God,” You saw the dark haired man gently maneuvering Rafael into the bathroom while Charlie dragged you into the room. He glared, shoving you onto the mattress roughly, and you sniffled. You wanted so desperately to help him, but you knew when he came back in, he’d be a mess. You sat there, trying to figure out how you were possibly going to help him while you waited, that is until Charlie got bored of waiting around and sat down beside you. He didn’t waste anytime, grabbing for you and shoving his leg between your thighs, hands grabbing at your sides as he kissed you. 

“Maybe James will chill the fuck out cause you’re not his boy toy,” he whispered, “I’m surprised he let Brad fuck him at all. Damn you’re a pretty one,” his lips were trailing up and down your neck and to your chest. He was starting to undo your pants when the door opened and in walked James. 

“You’re a goddamned idiot, you know that,” he said loudly, “Get off her. If you’d just be patient, you’d know that tomorrow is special and then I’ll let you have a go,” Charlie let out a loud sigh, but, to your relief, let you go. Once he moved away, you saw Rafael standing there, well it could barely be called standing, but he was there, hair dripping, arms wrapped around himself as he shivered. He had a black tee shirt sticking to him, the boxer briefs a tad too small. “Go sit down,” James told him gently with a nudge to his back. He could barely walk though, and James had to support most of his weight, easing him down beside you. You immediately grabbed his hand, and even through his pain filled daze, he managed to meet your eyes and give you a soft smile. He leaned forward against you, and you immediately took him into your arms. “I’ll be back with something for you two to eat,” they left you alone then, and you knew it wasn’t for long, so you just hugged him as tight as you could. He mostly just sagged against you, but you could tell it was comforting when he pressed his face against your shirt. 

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” You asked softly. 

“I’ll get back to you on that,” he mumbled, “For now this works,” 

“Do you think you can eat?” You asked him. 

“Dunno, I just hurt right now,” he whispered. 

“I know. I-I’m sor—”

“Don’t apologize. I’m a big boy, I made a decision, and I can deal with it,” he whispered. You tried to ignore the warm feeling that was spreading in your chest once more. Now was the not the time or the place to be thinking about Barba and how right it felt to hold him. Not after what just happened. You only had a few moments of peace before the door was opening again, and in walked James with a box of pizza and what looked to be medical supplies. 

“Here, sit up,” His voice was gentle as he spoke to Rafael, but Barba huddled up against you, looking terrified. “I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise,” He put his hand on Rafael’s shoulder blade, nudging him forward until he was untangled from your arms. “I’m gonna bandage your arm,” he said softly, and Rafael didn’t answer, but he didn’t fight. His hair had fallen into his face, his eyes looking wide and terrified behind the dark locks. You gently rubbed his back and helped him try to find a comfortable way to sit. James chuckled when he looked at the makeshift brace you had scrounged up, “Creative,” he said, looking at you. You watched Rafael carefully as James gently unwrapped his arm and pulled out real medical supplies. Something shifted in his eyes and suddenly it was like he wasn’t even present, like he checked out. He slumped back against you, and you had to quickly adjust to hold him up. James was gentle and almost tender as he wrapped the broken arm carefully, gently lifting Rafael’s shirt and checking for bleeding. He gently touched the mottled bruising across Barba’s ribs, making a face. You tensed when he started pulling at Rafael’s briefs, unsure what he was planning and what your friend’s reaction might be. “Help me turn him over, I need to check how bad he’s bleeding,” 

“I don’t know--”

“Did I ask for your opinion? Relax. He’s had more than enough for today, just help me turn him over,” he snapped. You gulped, gently rolling Rafael onto his stomach and stroking a hand through his hair. James was true to his word, gently checking Rafael over, and sighing before getting the underwear back up. He got Rafael back on his back, and gently touched his face, “Rafael, wake up, you in there? I have some pain killers for you,” He shifted around, and then his eyes focused, and he started to panic. He was thrashing around, and you tried to calm him down, “Relax baby, relax,” James murmured, “I’m not gonna hurt you. Sit up for me,” 

“Y/N,” Rafael squeaked, and you put an arm around him, 

“It’s okay Barba, he just wants to give you some pain killers, I’ll help you,” you whispered. He looked at you, his intense terror obvious in his wide eyes, and you had to help him a lot to get him up. You murmured soothing words by his ears, holding him upright while he tried to swallow the pills. He coughed and choked some but finally managed to get them down. “Do you want some pizza?” you asked softly. 

“Pizza?” he whispered, “What’s--what’s going on?” he seemed so confused, and you weren’t sure if he was okay. 

“We’re gonna eat some dinner, come here, I’ll help you,” you said softly. He moved closer to you, his hand shaking so bad that he couldn’t even get the food in his own mouth. James was looking on, concern in his eyes like he knew he had pushed Rafael way too far. You gently helped him eat it, shushing any tears or embarrassment. He barely ate half a piece before complaining that he felt ill and wanted to lie down. You helped him onto his side, running a hand down his back gently. “Try and sleep,” you whispered, “I’ll be right here if you need me,” He was out of it, passing out almost immediately. 

“I better go. If he needs anything…..just knock on the door or something,” he said softly. You were confused. He seemed conflicted, one moment trying to hurt Rafael as much as he could, but the next he seemed like he really cared for the lawyer. He left the pizza, but you weren’t really hungry. You had to force yourself to eat a slice, trying to keep your long term health in mind. Rafael slept like a baby for a few hours, unmoving, barely even breathing, and you laid in the dark, listening to the muffled arguments going on outside the door. 

“What the fuck James, we didn’t get in this to only get a little head. You’ve fucked him at least a dozen times, and we’ve barely gotten our share,” that sounded like Charlie. 

“He’s fragile. You don’t want a possible murder on your wrap sheet do you?” the other man shot back. 

“Who cares. I’ll kill him and bury the fucking body. He’s not your boyfriend. Don’t go soft on us now,” Charlie snarled. 

“Shut the fuck up Charlie, I’m not soft,” he growled, his voice rising. 

“Your Dad was right about you. You’re nothing,” he spat. 

“Shut the fuck up before I kill you!” he exploded, “I have plans for tomorrow. You’ll fucking see. Don’t say another word about my Dad,” 

“You know what James, as long as you quit cock blocking me, I don’t give a fuck,” Charlie said before they both disappeared. You felt sick even thinking about what they were saying. You didn’t think Rafael could take anymore. He was already a mess. 

“Y/N?” his soft voice startled you. 

“What’s up?” you whispered, 

“I’m gonna be sick, help,” he managed to say before he started to gag. You quickly got him up and over to the corner where he could throw up. Once he was done, he almost collapsed face first right into it, but you had your arms securely around him. 

“Can you try some water for me?” you asked softly. He nodded, his eyes fluttering shut. He looked confused still and hazy, but he managed to drink half a bottle of water with your help. 

“Try my phone again,” he whispered. You laid him down again, and nodded, digging around under the mattress for it. You pressed it, but there was still no service. 

“Nothing,” you said gently. Tears filled his eyes and he started to drop his head, gasping in breaths. 

“I want to go home,” he whispered, covering his face. 

“I know,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around him and holding him close, “I know, it’s gonna be okay. I promise. I’ll get you out of this,” 

“Can I have more water?” he finally whispered. You got the bottle, helping him to sip at it. 

“Barba--” He looked at you as you said his name, and you could see the humor in his eyes. It was refreshing. You would have been terrified if that was gone. “What?” 

“Well, I usually prefer it if the people who have seen me naked call me Rafael,” he said with a laugh. You chuckled, smiling.

“Fine then Rafael,” you liked the way his name sounded on your tongue. It was foreign but familiar all the same. Being coworkers, you tried to keep things professional as any wrong step could affect your work, and it was too important to screw up, but if he was okay with you calling him Rafael, you wouldn’t complain, “I just, I don’t even know how to--”

“I know what you’re going to say. Please just don’t,” he whispered. You weren’t sure why he didn’t want to hear you thanking him, but you nodded. “Would you…” he swallowed, “Could you rub my back again, please,” 

“Yeah definitely,” you replied, helping him over onto his stomach. “Try to relax,” You started at his lower back again, rubbing small circles with your thumbs, and increasing intensity slowly. You pressed in right around his vertebrae, drawing a soft sigh from him. He relaxed tangibly under your touch, so you focused on giving him the best massage you possibly could. He seemed drowsy when you finished, letting out a soft moan. 

“Where did you learn to do that?” he whispered. 

“Well, once upon a time, I wanted to be a physical therapist,” you told him softly, “So if you ever want help with your neck issues, you can just give me a call,” 

“I don’t have neck issues,” he shot back, and you shook your head at him, 

“Yes, you do. Don’t think I miss the way you’re always popping advil. You’re gonna give yourself a stomach ulcer you know. Your migraines are probably tension related,” you whispered. He didn’t answer, “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever managed to shut you up before Rafael,” you teased. He laughed at that. You didn’t miss the grimacing as he turned over. “He left the pain pills, do you want anymore?” you asked.

“No. I want to be aware. They make me sleepy,” he replied, “Just talk with me,” You were glad to. 

“Wanna hear about my horrible prom experience?” you asked, and he smiled. You talked with him for hours, telling him stories, and listening when he felt well enough to tell a few. He seemed relaxed until there was a loud crash from above, and he started to shake. “Here, I’m just gonna hold you,” you whispered, and he nodded, letting you wrap your arms around his waist. “Try and calm down,” you told him gently. 

“What if they come back?” he whispered. 

“I’ll try and talk them down. You can get through this Rafael. Don’t even think about that,” you told him. 

“Everything feels so….gone. It’s so wrong. The whole time they….how did this happen?” Rafael Barba, the man who never shut up, who had an Ivy League education and spoke like it too, was reduced to being practically speechless. He was struggling to find words to describe how he felt, he was shaking and trembling with fear, and now you were scared. 

“I don’t know,” you whispered, “But we’re gonna get out. I promise okay?” He nodded, laying his head back down and crying softly. 

“I’m scared,” he whispered. 

“Me too Rafael, me too,”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, last chapter where I kick Raf’s ass, I promise.

They left you alone for most of the morning which was good because Rafael needed the extra sleep. He was waking up every few hours at least, and it took a lot for you to get him to shut his eyes again. When they opened the door again, James’ face looked cold and dark, and like the day before, you moved between him and Rafael. He grabbed you, dragging you out of the way, and shaking Rafael until he woke up. He looked at you coldly, “Get up and strip,” he growled. Rafael was confused when he woke up, and terrified when he saw James. You slowly followed the man’s commands, softly talking to Rafael as you did. 

“Can you take your clothes off Rafael?” You asked softly. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m right here with you,” he finally nodded, lifting his shirt up, but he struggled to get it over his head and off due to his various injuries. Once you were down to your bra and panties, you went over to help him, easing the material off his body gently. You looked at James to see if he expected you to strip further. 

“That’s good for now,” he said. 

“You get on the mattress,” he said, looking at you. Rafael looked on despairingly, 

“Don’t hurt her,” he whispered, “Please. I’ll do anything you want,” 

“Let me lay this out for you sweetheart,” James breathed, stepping into Rafael’s space and pulling him in for a kiss, “You’re gonna fuck her,” he accentuated his statement by slipping his hand into Rafael’s boxers briefs and stroking him until he was hardening. 

“No. No. I won’t,” He whispered. 

“Yes you will or I’ll kill you after I let Charlie and Brad do whatever they want. Trust me, they have things in mind,” James hissed. 

“You’re just gonna have to kill me because I won’t rape her,” he insisted. 

“You will, and then you’re gonna suck me off,” the dark haired man growled. Rafael was about to argue again, but you had enough, 

“Rafael, it’s okay. Just do what he says,” you whispered. James shoved him toward you, and you put your arms on his shoulders, whispering to him, “It’s going to be okay. Just do it. We’ll figure it out later,” his eyes were full of tears, and he looked folorn. 

“Go ahead and kiss her,” James said impatiently. Rafael’s lip quivered, tears spilling onto his cheeks, but he leaned toward you, connecting your lips anyways. He was gentle, his lips moving against yours slowly, his hands resting on your hips, “You can do better than that baby,” James murmured by Rafael’s ear, his hand on the lawyer’s back. “Harder,” he pulled Rafael’s hand from your side, guiding it to tangle in your hair. Rafael obediently kissed you firmer, his hand tilting your face so he could deepen the kiss. You gripped onto him, trying to keep quiet and not let your feelings make this worse. It was not the time to be thinking about how much you wanted this, not when he was about to fall apart because he didn’t. “Alright you two,” He whispered, pulling you apart. He shoved you so you would get down on the mattress, and Rafael wiped at his face, standing there idly. “Well go on,” he said softly. Rafael knelt down, shuffling up between your legs, and you stroked his cheek, easing him down so you could kiss him again. You wanted to make this as simple for him as possible. You weren’t sure how he was even upright at this point after the day before. You figured it had to be some sort of adrenaline or something. He pulled away, kissing your jaw, and his change in demeanor startled you until he whispered by your ear,

“If you need me to stop, scratch at my shoulder or say something or hit me. I will stop,” His voice was soft and gentle, 

“Thank you Rafael,” you whispered. He was gentle when he removed your bra, pressing soft kisses to your skin. He breathed out a soft sigh, 

“You’re beautiful,” He whispered, and you couldn’t help but blush. 

“Rafael, hold her arms above her head,” James said softly, squatting down beside the two of you. Rafael had to look away for a moment, to collect himself before he gauged your reaction. You gave him a soft nod, so he very carefully gripped both your wrists in one hand, pinning them to the mattress above you. His other hand cupped your breast gently, thumb brushing over your nipple. He was attentive and skilled, making your breathing grow heavier quicker than usual. “That’s enough, let’s get a move on,” James said. Rafael was tense, almost shaking with anger, but he followed directions, settling back on his knees so he could rid you of your panties and get out of his own clothes. He was fairly hard already. He gently traced a finger down your legs, leaving a trail of goosebumps in his wake. He slipped a finger into you only after meeting your eyes again to ensure you were still alright. “Get in there,” the man said, but Rafael shook his head, 

“She’s not ready. I don’t want to hurt her,” he said.

“Too bad, I’m in charge. Let’s go,” James insisted. You reached for Rafael’s hand, squeezing it, and he sighed, starting to move into position, but he was going soft. “Seriously? What’s your problem? You only like dick?” 

“No, I--I just--I can’t hurt her,” he whispered. 

“Well you better figure it out, cause if you don’t, I’ll make her scream,” James threatened. Rafael blanched, but went even softer. He gently wrapped his hand around himself, stroking and trying to get hard again. It wasn’t working very well though, and he grimaced as he started to chafe. 

“Rafael, look here at me,” you whispered, “It’s just you and me. I know you can do it,” you reached out and replaced his hand with your own. It only took you a few moments to get him hard, and he leaned down, pressing kisses against your skin as he lined up, 

“You’re still okay?” he murmured, and you nodded. He pressed his hips forward, his breathing dissolving into pants. You felt all your beath leave you as he slowly pushed in, but then James was yelling at him again, and in one sudden movement, he was fully inside of you. You gasped in discomfort, not prepared for that, and Rafael looked like he was gonna cry. It had been awhile since you had sex, and Rafael wasn’t small by any means. You let your head rest against the mattress, focusing on breathing, and Rafael staid still as long as he could, but James was urging him to move, so he reluctantly started to rock his hips against yours. Then his hand was pinning your wrists again, and he was moving faster and harder, but his green eyes stayed on yours the whole time, and you chose to focus on that. You kept his gaze, losing yourself in the green irises, and trying to distract yourself from the nauseous feeling that was overtaking you. Rafael noticed the subtle change, leaning down by your ear, “Y/N, are you okay?” he whispered. You didn’t ask him to stop.

“That’s enough of this weak shit,” James growled, grabbing Rafael’s hand from your wrists and guiding it to rest on your throat. “Harder, squeeze,” You stroked Rafael’s arm, trying to urge him to just listen. No matter how uncomfortable it made you, you could take it. You both needed to get through this, and then hopefully you could get him home. He very carefully tightened his grip, fingers digging into your neck, restricting your airflow. You could vaguely hear James telling him to go harder, but you were forcing yourself to focus on his eyes. He looked so upset, so worried. His grip tightened, and then your vision was growing blurry, and he abruptly let go. “Did I tell you to stop?” 

“No--No, but she’s--” 

“Shut up, get your hand back up there,” he growled. Rafael shut his eyes, but he did as he was told. You stroked his side again, trying to comfort him, to make sure he knew it was okay. It hurt, but you were tough. You could take it. It felt like a daze, like it was going on forever and ever, until he was finally grunting and coming, hot and pulsing inside you, and then everything went black. 

………………………………………….

 

The fog in your mind slowly cleared, sounds filtering into your awareness. At first they were muffled, like you were under water, but when you started to blink and open your eyes, you recognized the sound as sobs, and slowly realized it was Rafael’s voice. A thudding sensation was assaulting your head, radiating pain from your temples. You let out a soft noise, opening your eyes and then seeing Rafael huddled beside you, head buried in his arms that were resting on his knees. He was rocking back and forth, sobbing and mumbling. “Rafael,” you said softly, your throat feeling scratchy, “Rafael, hey,” 

“Y/N,” he mumbled, his voice watery as he lifted his head, “You’re awake, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I--I’m so sorry,” He was scrambling to grab a bottle of water and helping you sit up. “Drink some water,” You did as he said, letting him fret over you, and hoping it would assuage some of the guilt he felt. He brushed some hair from your eyes, but his touch made you start. You jerked away, just a little bit, but he noticed. He looked horrified, his mouth falling open, but no words coming out, “I’m sorry,” 

“It’s not your fault. I’ll be okay,” you promised. He stared at you, his eyes red with tears, his nose running, lips puffy and swollen. You didn’t even want to think about what happened while you were out. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” he whispered, “I want to go home,” You laid down on the bed, and pulled him down beside you, 

“Let’s just try to relax,” you whispered, “I know you’re scared,” 

“I’m not scared, they can’t do much more to me. I just am tired. I’m so tired,” he said softly, “He’s obsessed with me or something. He keeps petting me like I’m his fucking dog,” 

“I know,” you whispered, “It’ll all be over soon,” He shut his eyes, but laid down, letting you wrap your arms around him, “Shhh, I know Rafael,” He was crying softly. “Try to calm down, you should try to sleep,” 

“My head hurts,” he said softly, “He was pulling my hair,” You didn’t ask any questions, it was an unspoken agreement at this point. He cuddled up to you, sniffling softly, and laying there. He didn’t talk for a long, long time. You tried to talk to him, to coax him into talking, but he just laid there and stared at the wall. He cried some, but he didn’t respond when you tried to comfort him. He was shutting down. James brought you food half way through the day, looking all worried again and trying to talk to Rafael, who proceeded to not only freak out, but curl up in the corner and sob. The room smelled of sex, but then again, so did both of you. Rafael wouldn’t come out of the corner for hours, and when you finally coaxed him toward you, he didn’t want to sit on the mattress anymore. Not after what happened. He laid on the cold floor, shivering, and not eating. It was late when James showed up again, looking grave. 

“I’m going to give you two a choice. Brad and Charlie are sick of waiting, they want their turn, and they’re not going to be gentle. You can both go, one of you can. I’m not going to choose. It’s up to you. We’re gonna leave after this so,” he said, looking down at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. You were about to volunteer yourself when Rafael got up, 

“Only me,” he said, and James nodded, still looking worried. He put a hand on Rafael’s back, leading him out of the room. 

“No,” you whispered, “No,” They were going to hurt him so bad. You tried to ignore the sounds, but it was bad. You could hear Brad and Charlie mocking him, calling him names, and then he was screaming again and they were laughing. Then it felt like forever that they were making obscene noises, and you laid on the mattress, covering your ears. Rafael was just groaning softly every now and then, and he sounded only half conscious. You heard them talking then, and he was silent,

“You think he could take this?” You could barely make out the words, but you recognized Charlie’s voice. Brad laughed, “Hold him down,” 

“Guys, I don’t know….you’re gonna seriously hurt him. You should probably just stop,” that was James, and you hoped he’d be able to talk them down from whatever they were planning. 

“Shut up James,” Charlie snarled. 

“No, please, don’t do that, please,” Rafael’s voice was quickly growing in volume until a rough, pained noise was torn from his throat, and he kept screaming. Then it just went silent, and Charlie and Brad’s voices faded away. It wasn’t long before the door opened, and James was carrying Rafael’s limp body in. He gently set him down beside you, 

“I tried to stop them. He passed out,” he said softly. He brushed Rafael’s sweaty hair off his forehead, pressing a kiss there. He looked sick to his stomach, sitting down beside the mattress, running his fingers through the lawyer’s hair. You carefully looked him over, and swallowed hard. His wrists were red and definitely going to bruise, and there were bite marks and finger sized bruises all over him. 

“What did they do to you?” You murmured, gently running your hand down his jaw. 

“You don’t want to know,” James whispered, “I shouldn’t have—I shouldn’t have let them touch him,” He was completely naked, and he was bleeding. 

“Do you have clothes he could wear, he feels freezing,” you whispered. James wordlessly removed his own sweatshirt, and then stood, 

“Let me go get him some boxers or shorts or something,” he whispered. While he was gone, you felt for a pulse ensuring Rafael was doing alright. He was breathing shallowly which concerned you. His legs were covered in sticky red fluid, mingled with semen and sweat. His face was cut and bloodied, and his nose was dripping the crimson fluid. You sniffled, stroking his skin to try and be comforting. He let them hurt him so badly just to protect you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At request, here’s chapter 5! Hope you guys like this one a little more lol

He stirred slightly, letting out a soft sound, a muffled groan. 

“Hey,” you whispered, “Rafael,” you ran your fingers through his hair, “You’re safe now,” 

“Y/N,” he groaned your name, “Hurts so bad,” 

“I know Rafael, I know,” you said gently, “We’re gonna get you dressed. Can you lift your arms for me?” He groaned again, his head lolling sideways. You wiped the spit from his chin, thumb stroking circles against his cheek, “Rafael are you there?” 

“M’here,” he breathed, “Just tired. R’lly tired,” 

“Try and stay awake, can you lift your arms?” you asked softly. He nodded, his arms feeling heavy as he tried to raise them. He could barely get them up, but you made it work, slipping his arms into the sleeves and inching it down, over his head and onto his body. “Shh, you can do this,” you tried to quiet his hitching breaths. “Does that feel okay?” 

“S’good,” he mumbled, “Just, c’mere,” 

“I’m right here, right beside you,” you whispered. He frowned, reaching blindly. You touched his hands, moving them to rest on your sides, and he pulled you forward. He was shaking. “Just relax,” you whispered. He let go of his hold on you, grabbing for your hand instead. 

“Y/N, I don’t--” he trailed off, frowning like he lost his train of thought, “D’you call Liv?” he asked.

“Not yet. I’m gonna get you some clothes, and wait until they leave. Then you and I are gonna get out of here,” you told him softly, 

“M’kay,” he whispered. His eyes were fluttering like he was struggling to stay awake, so you shook his shoulder gently, 

“You gotta stay awake Rafael,” you said gently. 

“M’I dying?” he asked. 

“No. I wouldn’t let you die,” you told him, “Just hang in there for me,” 

“They….they really hurt me,” he whispered. 

“I know,” you murmured, tearfully. “It’s gonna be okay though,” you brushed your fingers through his hair. The door opened, and James came in, handing you some loose boxers to slip on him. He let out a pained gasp, his eyes shutting again, and he tensed up for a second, “Lift your hips Rafael, I need to get these on you,” He struggled, legs shaking, but he finally managed to get his hips off the bed. 

James kneeled down beside him, and you wanted to stop him from touching Rafael ever again, but you were still afraid of his reaction. He gently stroked the lawyer’s cheek, and Rafael tensed, but held still. Pressing a kiss to his forehead one last time he murmured, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” and then he stood up. “We’re leaving, Charlie and Brad are probably packed and almost gone. If you wait fifteen minutes, come upstairs and you should have cell service,” You nodded, holding Rafael’s hand. He let out a few soft sobs, the pain overwhelming him. 

“I know it hurts, I’m right here,” you whispered, “You’re not alone. It’s gonna stop hurting so bad soon,” 

“Y/N, don’t let Liv see me like this,” he whispered, his breath hitching, “Just get me to the hospital. Don’t let my mom see,” 

“Okay Rafael,” you whispered, “I hear you,” you pulled his phone out, biting your lip when you saw the low battery. You grabbed Rafael's hand, holding tight and trying to keep him with you. He started hyperventilating and crying. 

“Y/N,” his voice was rough with emotion. 

“Yes Rafael?” You whispered, fighting to keep a hold of yourself. 

“I’m not the nicest guy, I can be an asshole, and I get really frustrated and grumpy. Some people don’t understand my sense of humor, but I just want to thank you for being my friend. I—I don’t have many, maybe because I don’t trust people or because I’m so busy, and I don’t usually mind it, but sometimes knowing I have you and Liv really means a lot to me. I’ve only made it through the past few days because of you,” he said softly. “No matter what happens here, your friendship will still mean a lot to me,”

“Rafael don’t talk like that,” you whispered, “I’m glad to be your friend. You mean a lot to me too,” he was letting out soft gasps, his grip on your hand tightening. “I know it hurts, shhh,” 

“I’m bleeding,” he whispered, “Bad, I’m bleeding bad,” 

“Don’t worry about that,” you said gently. It felt like every minute was ticking by slower and slower. “Rafael please calm down,” You needed to get him to relax. The more energy he was expending by freaking out, the less he had to try and stay awake. “I’m not leaving you, I’m right here. Breathe,” you sat with him like for a while until you couldn’t wait any longer. “I’m going upstairs to call Liv. I need you to stay right here, and try to keep calm,” you whispered. 

“Kay,” he mumbled, and you knew he was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. There was this edge to his voice that worried you. He sounded so scared, and he was trying to hide it. 

“I’ll be right back,” you promised. You grabbed the phone, opening the door. You walked straight past the mattress that was still lying there. The red splotches made you feel sick, a strong metallic smell in the room. You opened the door that you had been staring as long as you could during Rafael’s assault. There were creepy wooden stairs that you took up to the top floor that was now deserted. You quickly scrolled through Rafael’s contacts, clicking Liv’s number and waiting anxiously as it rang, 

“Barba!? Thank god, where are you? We’ve been looking for you and Y/N for days,” Liv said, sounding worried. 

“Liv, it’s Y/N,” your voice sounded shaky even to you, “I don’t have much time to talk because Rafael’s phone is almost out of battery. I have no idea where we are, but Rafael is hurt bad, really, really bad. I don’t know how much longer he’s gonna make it,” you looked out the window, “We drove for hours, I think it was three or four. I don’t see anything outside, we’re in the middle of the country somewhere. There’s just trees,” 

“Y/N stay calm, I’m gonna try and get a trace on the phone. Stay on with me,” she said. You bit your lip, “Can I talk to Rafael?” 

“He’s downstairs, I didn’t think I could get him up the steps. There’s not service down there,” you said, “He’s barely conscious,” 

“I’m sure you need an ambulance then,” she said softly, “As soon as I know where you are, I’ll get moving to come see you. I’ll call your mom and Barba’s,” 

“Don’t give his mother details, he doesn’t want either of you to see him like this,” you told her. She was quiet for a few minutes, 

“Was he….” 

“I’ll explain it to you later Liv,” you said softly. “Three men kidnapped us outside the precinct, and I can give you descriptions of each of them when I see you. I’m in pretty good shape, a few bumps and bruises, but Barba is a mess. He’s bleeding, he probably has internal injuries, his arm is broken,” 

“Okay, looks like TARU has a trace, stay on the phone though. I’m going to call the local police and dispatch an ambulance to your location. I’m on the next plane to you. I’ll be there soon,” Liv said, “See if you can go downstairs. I want to talk to Barba if I can,” You headed back toward the basement, going down the steps. When you went back into the little, dark, back room, Rafael was limp, but you could still see him breathing, 

“Rafael, hey, wake up,” you whispered. His eyes fluttered open, and he gave you a lopsided smirk, but then he started to cough. “Liv’s on the phone for you Rafael,” You held it up to his ear, 

“Hey,” he breathed, his voice sounding pained, “Been better for sure. Y/N says I’ll be okay,” he paused, “Liv,” you hated the finality in his voice, “Thank you for everything. You’ve changed my life, you’ve made me a better lawyer and a better person. I can’t even explain how grateful I am,” he paused again, listening to her response, “I’ll see you soon,” You took the phone back, 

“He sounds awful,” she whispered, “Hang in there ambulance is en route, fifteen minutes,” 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon Liv,” you whispered. You settled back down beside Rafael who had silent tears streaming down his cheeks, 

“I feel dizzy,” he whispered, “Doesn’t hurt so much now though,” You were terrified. That was a really bad sign. “I’m cold,” 

“Can I hold you?” You asked softly, and he nodded. You arranged yourself beside him on the bed, pulling him closer and looping your arms around his waist. You held him tight, trying to warm him up. He weakly reached up, clumsily swiping at the tears. 

“I—I don’t feel so good,” he said softly, but then it was quiet again. 

“The ambulance is almost here Rafael,” you told him. After another long silence, his voice cut through the tension in the room, sounding as scared as you’d ever heard it. 

“Y/N?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I need you to do something for me,” his murmured. You tensed up, but tightened your hold once more, 

“Anything,” you told him. 

“I need you to tell my Mom, I need you to tell her it didn’t hurt and—and that I was brave,” he whispered, tears flowing faster and distorting his voice, “Tell her it didn’t hurt, and make sure someone takes care of her. I’m all she has. This is gonna destroy her,” 

“No Rafael, no, you’re not going to die, don’t say things like that,” you whispered, “Listen to me. You aren’t going to die,” 

“Just—Just promise me,” he whispered. 

“I promise,” you told him, so he would calm down.

“I—I have to tell you something else,” he whispered, turning over with great effort and pulling you close. He pressed a kiss against your hair, “I—I,” he trailed off, and then he was limp in your arms, and you were shaking him and tapping his face, but he was out. He was still breathing which made you a bit calmer, but you had to furiously scrub at the tears on your face. You were sitting with him for about five minutes like that before you heard the sirens outside, and then everything was a blur. You were wrapped in a blanket and in an ambulance, and Rafael was being whisked away on a stretcher. The hospital was miserable, doctors and nurses poking and prodding at you. Liv got there not long after you, rushing into your room, and taking one look at your face before turning to the nurse, 

“I think she’s gonna need a rape kit,” she said softly. 

“Liv,” you whispered, “I—I don’t know,” 

“You know that we need the evidence,” she whispered, and you felt torn. You wanted to tell her that any DNA they might find would belong to Rafael, but you didn’t want to embarrass him.

“I wasn’t raped,” you said softly. She frowned. “I need you to check on Rafael, he needs a rape kit,” you said softly, “But I don’t,” 

“What happened to your neck then?” Liv asked gently. 

“Look, it’s complicated okay, just go check on Rafael,” you didn’t mean to get that worked up, but you didn’t want to talk about what had happened between the two of you. Liv nodded, promising to be back with news. You sniffled, but finally told them they could do the rape kit. They swabbed everywhere, took pictures, took your clothes, and you hated it, but you knew it might somehow help in the investigation. Liv came in while they were swabbing under your fingernails, and she looked pale. 

“Rafael is awake, he’s about to go into surgery. He has massive internal bleeding, but they think he’s going to recover. Uh, he said—did he rape you?” She asked softly. You felt tears pricking your eyes, and you looked away for a second, “He told me when he wakes up, he wants me to arrest him,” 

“He did not rape me Liv,” you finally said softly, “He—the men—they told him we had to have sex. He tried to refuse, and I told him it was okay. I told him just to do what they said, and that it would be fine. He explicitly said to me that if I asked him to stop or made it clear I wanted him to stop, he would. It sucked, they made him do things that did not feel good, but neither of us wanted to, and I never asked him to stop. He checked with me almost every step of the way. Don’t you dare arrest him,” 

“I wasn’t planning on it,” she whispered, “I’m going to need a full statement from you. Rafael’s got bigger things to worry about right now. Tomorrow, if he’s stable, they’re gonna move you both to New York Presbyterian, and you’ll likely be discharged. He’s gonna be there for awhile,” You felt tears starting to drip down your cheeks, 

“He was protecting me,” You whispered, “He left first from the precinct, like a half hour, and then I went outside, and there were three of them. They tied me up, blindfolded me, and threw me in the back of a truck. Barba and I realized we were in there together. He pulled my phone out of my pocket and tried to call you,” You had to pause because you just felt so bad that he was hurt. “I—It’s all my fault,” 

“Y/N, don’t blame yourself, Barba made his own decisions,” Liv said softly. 

“They caught us. The main guy, James, asked me if it was my phone, but Rafael said it was his. He broke his arm right there on the spot,” you said softly, “He screamed so loud,” You had to pause a moment when they went to swab your mouth, “They kept us in this little basement with a mattress and some water and that was about it. The next morning, they came in and James started talking to me and saying that they were going to have fun with me, and they started to drag me out, but Barba told them to take him instead,” Now you were crying, and you hated that Rafael had been so hurt all because of you. “I heard….I heard awful things. He was screaming, they laughed, I could hear them raping him,” Liv looked pale, and you felt sick even thinking about it. “When he came back in, he looked dazed, like he wasn’t even aware of what year it was. He was stumbling, he only had on his dress shirt that was bloody and practically torn to shreds and a pair of boxer briefs. They shoved him and he fell down, and they were taunting him. It was horrible,” 

“And they didn’t do anything to you at that point?” Liv asked softly. You shook your head. 

“Then the next morning, they tried to take me again, and he got them to take him instead. They tied me to a chair and made me watch while they…..they really hurt him Liv. Really bad,” you whispered. Handed you a tissue after they finished on your fingers. “He was bleeding after that, but the phone wasn’t working. The main guy, James, started being really weird. He was touching Rafael constantly, petting him like a dog. It was like he thought Rafael was his boyfriend or something,” 

“Can you describe James for me?” Liv asked. 

“He was tall, dark hair, blue eyes. He was good looking, young. I could probably do a sketch with an artist,” you said, “There were two others, Charlie and Brad, and they just thought it was funny to hurt him. After they made us have sex, they got their turn, and all I could hear was him screaming. I think they used something to else to rape him,” 

“I’ll talk to him when he wakes up about it,” Liv said softly. “Are you thinking about talking with someone?” 

“I mean, what happened with Rafael, it makes me feel anxious. I—It was bad, but it wasn’t his fault. They made him choke me until I passed out,” you said softly. 

“I can give you my shrinks number, think on it though,” she said gently, “I want you to take a few weeks off of work at least. No rush for you to come back. Your job will be waiting for you,” 

“He’s really upset,” it wasn’t a question, but Liv nodded all the same, “He was crying when they made him do it. It’s all my fault that they hurt him,” 

“No it isn’t,” Liv argued. You didn’t believe her though. You knew better. You should not have let Rafael step in. 

“Did you call his mom?” you asked softly. 

“Yeah, he’s touch and go, there are a lot of possible complications, and they don’t know. He needs major surgery. He’s gonna be out of commission for a long while,” Liv said softly, “I couldn’t not call her no matter how much he begged me,” 

“I need to talk to him,” you said softly, “I need to find a way to talk to him,”

“Maybe when he’s feeling better,” Liv suggested softly. You nodded, and shut your eyes, letting them finish your exam.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really super short.....sorry

You had to know he was okay. You knew if you got caught it would be bad, but you couldn’t help yourself. You grabbed the IV they had you on, and you carefully walked down the hallway toward the ICU. It was interesting to slip past the nurses station, but you managed, and then you had slight issue that you didn’t know his room number. You managed to get a peak at one of the charts which answered your question. You very carefully opened the door to his room, sitting beside the bed in the chair and just looking at him. He was out, a ventilator shoved down his throat and keeping him breathing. That made you want to cry. You grabbed his hand, holding it and trying not to start sobbing. His face was bruised, dark spots peeking out from under gown and all over his body. His one arm was casted, and he was a mess. His left eye was swollen shut, the skin around his mouth red and irritated. “Oh Rafael,” you whispered, “I wish you wouldn’t have,” 

You stroked his hand, running your thumb across the smooth skin, and wishing you could take his pain away. You would never forgive yourself if he didn’t make it. You wondered what it was that he needed to tell you, what thought had made him so desperate to talk as he knew he was beginning to pass out. He thought he was dying, and he had something he wanted you to know beforehand; you knew he wouldn’t waste those last few moments. “You’re gonna be okay Rafael, you have to,” You whispered, tears dripping down your cheeks, “I love you,” it slipped out, and you didn’t regret it one bit. You had been denying it for months, but there was no question in your mind that you were in love with the charming lawyer. He showed up and swept you off your feet with his intelligence and his compassion. He put up a hard front, a protective exterior, but the way he dealt with victims spoke volumes of his character. “If you wake up, I’ll tell you over and over and over again forever, but you have to make it through this Rafael. Please,” 

………………………..

You blinked at the bright light shining in your eyes. “Try and hold still,” you tried to listen to the doctor, but the light was hurting your head. “How are your headaches?” He asked as he turned the light out. 

“Not so great,” you said softly, “I mostly stay in bed all day,” you weren’t sure if that was due to the headaches or your current depressive episode. 

“We’ll see if you can go for a walk everyday. Just 15-30 minutes, and I’m hoping that will help with the concussion,” he said before leaving you alone. You stood up, rubbing your eyes and collecting your things. It had been a week since you were discharged from the hospital, but you were still feeling poorly. Your mother was in the waiting room as she had rushed to New York as soon as Liv called her. You weren’t quite ready to leave yet. You hadn’t heard a word on Rafael’s condition since the first day, and you were almost sick with worry. Today was your chance to check up on him, so you quickly made your way toward his room. A nurse had to help you, but when you found yourself in front of the door, you suddenly felt nervous. You wanted to talk to him so badly. You knocked on the door, and it quickly opened to reveal an older lady who you assumed was his mother. He looked just like her. 

“Can I help you?” She asked softly. 

“I uh, I was hoping I could talk to Rafael,” you said softly. 

“Rafi isn’t taking visitors right now. What’s your name, I can let him know you dropped by,” she said. You smiled softly. You could see a lot of her in him even though it was the first time you were even speaking with her. 

“Oh, uh Y/N,” you said softly. Her eyes narrowed, and you were taken aback by the sudden coldness. It was only visible for a brief second, 

“Well thank you for dropping by, but I don’t think he’d be up to seeing you,” she said softly. 

“Mami, who is it?”’you heard his soft voice. It sounded soft and exhausted. 

“It’s no one Rafi, we’ll talk about it later. Try and go back to sleep,” she said softly. 

“Mami,” his voice now had an edge to it, something sharp and pained, 

“What is it sweetheart?” You gulped as she turned her back on you, going to fret over her son. “What’s wrong? No, don’t cry. Let me see if the nurse can give you some more morphine. Don’t cry Rafi, I’m right here,” His choked sobbing noises made you want to cry, so you turned to leave, knowing that he probably hated you. You were sure his mother blamed you for everything that happened to him, and you didn’t hold that against her because you knew it was your fault. It would only make sense that he told her it was your fault. You just wished you could somehow tell him how sorry you were. Instead, you slowly made your way out to the waiting room so you could go home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s Chapter 7! hope you guys enjoy! ;)

You were laying in bed, staring at the wall. Your life felt so messed up. Just a few weeks ago, you had been happily joking around with Rafael in his office.

_You knocked on the door, files in hand, and his soft voice beckoned you in. “Hey,” he said softly, looking up with a slight smile on his face. He was at his desk, doing paperwork, and usually his eyes would be glued to the briefs as he distractedly spoke to you, but the last few times you came to his office, he would look right up at you, dropping everything else and grinning. “Can I get you some coffee or something?” he asked softly.  
_

_“Sure,” you replied, “But uh, I’m actually here to talk with you about the case,”  
_

_“Carmen can you bring her a coffee and some creamer?” He called before returning his attention to you, “Please sit down,” You smiled.  
_

_“I took the Davis confession. I don’t understand what the issue is,” you said. He sighed, leaning back in his chair,  
_

_“The defense is arguing coercion. Did you threaten him at all?” He asked softly.  
_

_“You know me better than that. I said a few things that I would not have said otherwise cause there was a missing child, but I did not threaten him,” you told him._

_“Well, then there won’t be a problem. I’ll handle it,” he told you, “No worries,”_

_“Liv wanted me to bring you these,” You said, handing him the stack of files._

_“Oh joy,” he whispered tiredly, “It must be my lucky day,”_

_“Sorry,” You said softly._

_“It’s not your fault. It’s just, I was supposed to go out with my mother to lunch, but I’m not sure I can make that anymore,” he grumbled. You smiled._

_“That’s sweet you’re taking her out for lunch. Can I help you somehow?” You said. He looked up at you, gratitude in his eyes._

_“You want to help me?” He asked incredulously, and you nodded, eye brows furrowed. He quickly masked his surprise, showing you what you could do. The two of you worked together, wiping out most of what he needed in an hour. “I—thank you,” He whispered._

_“Anytime Barba,” You said, standing at the door. He looked conflicted, but he looked up at you after a second,  
_

_“Let me take you out for lunch next week as a thank you,” he said softly. You smiled and nodded softly before ducking out._

You had this thing going on. It was tenuous and unspoken, but there was something there and you both knew it. Now, he hated you, and you felt so alone. You missed him so much. If nothing else, you missed his friendship. You were fairly new to the squad, and you were friends with Sonny, but some of the others didn’t seem to quite trust you yet. Barba and you just clicked suddenly, and it wasn’t a relationship you wanted to lose. “Y/N?” That was your mother’s voice from the door, “Sweetheart, lunch is ready,”

“I’m not that hungry,” you said softly, wiping at your eyes. She sat down beside you,

“It’s not your fault Y/N,” she told you gently,

“You don’t know Mom,” you whispered, tears now falling more steadily. You hated this back and forth with yourself, but you felt so guilty that Rafael was hurt badly.

“Come on, it’s time for lunch, and then you have a therapy appointment,” she said, nudging you out of bed. You sighed and heaved yourself up from under the covers. You just had to keep hope that things would get better.

………………………………..

_You couldn’t breathe. A hand wrapped around your neck, fingers digging into your skin and cutting off the air. White noise consuming your senses. You wanted to ask him to stop, but you couldn’t. He was rocking in and out of you, over and over again, but it hurt. He was too big, and the stretch made you tense up. You felt caged in, stuck and you couldn’t breathe._

You jolted awake, breathing heavily. You sat up in bed, swiping at your sweaty face. You felt sick to your stomach, and you wished you weren’t currently alone in your apartment. You drew your knees up to your chest, trying to breathe and calm down. Nightmares were making you miserable. Your mother was back home, and you wished you hadn’t told her to go, but at the same time, you couldn’t take the hovering. You were too much of a mess. Sitting at home all day on your own was getting exhausting, but you didn’t feel up to going to work yet either. You pulled out your new phone, and clicked on Liv’s contact. How’s Barba? You stared at the short message for a few minutes before deleting it. You wanted to ask so badly, but didn’t want to intrude on Rafael’s privacy. _Can I meet with you?_ You needed to sort out what you were doing about work. She replied within minutes.

 _Sure, everything okay?_ She asked, and you weren’t sure how to answer that. Instead, you stood up, getting dressed and grabbing your wallet.

 _Yeah. I’ll explain more then. Starbucks?_ You asked.

 _Give me fifteen minutes_ was all she said, and you breathed a sigh of relief, getting your shoes on and locking up your apartment. You had mace in your back pocket because you could barely go out at all without feeling overly paranoid. You took a cab, the subway seeming far too overwhelming with all those people. Getting out of the apartment, despite the anxiety, was helping more than you’d thought it would. You were feeling so cooped up. The last human contact you really had was your mother, and it wasn’t really like you felt you could talk to her about all of it. It was hard to even think about it on your own. You sat in the Starbucks on your own at a table, waiting for Liv. She finally showed up, looking harried, but she smiled at you comfortingly. You both ordered drinks, and you sat there quietly for a few minutes. “How are you holding up?”

“Not so great,” you whispered, “But I can’t sit at home all day anymore. I need to be doing something,”

“Y/N, I’m not sure you’re ready yet,” she said softly, “How has your therapy been going?”

“It’s been okay. I still feel guilty, and I still have nightmares, but--but I can’t sit at home anymore okay? Just let me do paperwork or something,” you were on the verge of begging. You couldn’t take it anymore. You would actually go crazy.

“I think we can work something out, but you have to listen to me. Every word,” she said sternly. You nodded, sighing in relief. You took a sip from your coffee, looking away for a second. You couldn’t hold it back.

“H-How’s Barba doing?” you asked softly. She sighed,

“He’s….he’s certainly been better. I’m actually gonna go visit him after this. He just got out of surgery,” she said.

“More surgery?” you asked, feeling sick again.

“He had an infection,” she whispered, “He’s having a really rough time, so I’m gonna take him a few books,” You couldn’t help but drop your head into your hands, tears dripping down your cheeks, “Oh Y/N, calm down,”

“I feel awful,” you whispered, “Why did he--he was protecting me,”

“Barba made that decision Y/N, that isn’t your fault,” she said softly, “He chose to protect you--you didn’t make him,” You sniffled, wiping your face, “He still doesn’t want to talk about it. He let us do the rape kit, and he gave me a description of the men, but he won’t get into specifics in a disclosure,”

“I don’t blame him. It was horrific I’m sure. What I saw is not my story to tell Liv. When he is okay with it, I’ll give you a full account of what happened in that room, but not before,” you said. You had been thinking carefully about it, but in the end, you decided he had suffered enough humiliation especially knowing you had to listen to and watch what happened. You wouldn’t humiliate him further.

“Have you two spoken since…” Liv trailed off. You just shook your head,

“I tried but….” he hates me. you didn’t finish that sentence.

“Maybe give him some space right now, but call him,” Liv suggested, and you nodded, but you weren’t sure if you actually would. You couldn’t hurt him anymore even if it hurt you in the process. “Hang in there okay, and call me if you need anything,”

“Thanks Liv,” you said softly, sighing, “Please tell him I’m sorry,” She nodded only slightly, leaving you with a soft smile. You dropped your head into your hands, running your fingers through your hair as you sat there alone.

…………………………………………

You sat at your desk, printing in black ink as you tried to finish the stack of paperwork on your desk. You felt exhausted, and you were ready to go home. You wanted to work again, to be out on the street with Sonny, chasing perps because you felt caged. First, at home you felt cooped up and alone, and now that you were at work, you were feeling a little better, but you wanted things to go back to normal. The normal where Rafael would stroll into the precinct any second and smile at you, where he’d crack a joke and manage to right the days that felt impossible. Your first day at SVU had been hard, a horrific child abuse case, and you remembered it like it was yesterday.

_You had to get out of there, “Excuse me,” you whispered, feeling like your lungs were on fire. You couldn’t breathe. Rushing out the door, you almost ran to the elevator. You needed some air. You burst out the front door, leaning against the wall and sucking in breaths as your eyes stung with tears. You stood there for a few moments, trying to reign in your emotions, but it was so, so awful. How could anyone ever do that to a child? You felt like you were going to throw up. You spent a few more moments trying to calm down, but it wasn’t working very well. You knew this job would be hard, but you hadn’t anticipated it being this hard. You felt pathetic and embarrassed as you slowly made your way back up to the squad room. You could feel your face burning as you walked over to your desk. You kept your eyes glued down, trying to keep the tears at bay._

_“Everyone’s first day is hard,” his voice startled you, and he reached a hand out like he wanted to pat your shoulder, but stopped short. He stepped closer, “Don’t take it too hard,”_

_“Oh--thank you,” you said softly. He smiled at you just slightly. “You’re Barba right?” you asked softly, finding your voice._

_“Guilty as charged,” he said, his eyes sparkling with amusement, “I hope my reputation doesn’t scare you off,” You laughed, feeling much more at ease than you had at first._

You stood up, going over to the coffee machine and picking the pot up. Your hand was shaking as you tried to pour yourself a cup. _“Y/N, am I dying?” His tear filled green eyes as wide as you’d ever seen them. His voice was soft and terrified._ You jolted at the flashback, hissing as you spilled coffee all over your arm.

“Y/N, hey, you okay?” Sonny’s voice made you turn around,

“Fine,” you sighed, “I’m fine, just--fine,”

“You don’t look fine,” he said softly.

“I’m fine Sonny,” you snapped, “Just let it go,” He backed away from you, and you felt awful, but you couldn’t bring yourself to apologize.

“Y/N,” Liv’s voice was soft from the entrance to her office, “How about you head home for today. I’ll see you tomorrow,” the tone of her voice left no room for arguments, and you tried to hold back the tears. You sniffled as you gathered your things heading out the door. Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty here’s chapter 8 with a little bit of what you’ve all been asking for!

“Y/N. Earth to Y/N?” You jerked to attention, looking at your partner. 

“Sorry, sorry,” you whispered.

“You okay? I can handle this if you want,” he said softly. You gulped, looking around the room once more. It was dark, there were ropes where he’d been tied to the pole in the middle of the room. You felt like you were going to throw up.  _ “Stop, stop. Please, stop,” his voice, sob filled and broken.  _

“Okay,” you whispered, slowly leaving the room. You didn’t want to be in there anymore. The victim was outside, so you went to your car instead, sitting down and trying to breathe. Bad memories were assaulting your brain, making you feel uneasy. You leaned your head against the steering wheel, and let yourself cry. It had been weeks since you let yourself just breakdown, and you couldn’t hold it back anymore. That stupid basement. You were doing fine until Carisi caught the lead on the missing twenty year old, and when you finally had been able to track him down, he was tied to a metal pole, naked and shivering after being raped for hours. It made you feel ill. All you could think about was Barba and his screams, how the paramedics practically had to pry you away from him, how he turned onto his side, towards the wall when he cried at night, trying to hide it from you, how he had almost gotten himself killed trying to protect you. You wondered what had been wrong with James, the man who seemed to love hurting Rafael just as much as he loved taking care of him. It was perplexing and odd. A knock on the door made you jerk up, and for a second you thought you saw Barba shivering over by the ambulance, but when you blinked, it was just the young man you had found. Another knock brought your gaze to the window where Liv was standing, peering in at you. You rolled it down, trying to mask your emotions, but she saw right through you. 

“Y/N,” she said softly, but you interrupted.

“Don’t tell me to go home Liv, if I can’t do this job, I’m gonna lose my shit okay,” you said, starting to cry, “I can’t sit at home anymore,”

“I know Y/N,” she said softly. “He’s doing better,” You looked up at her through tear filled eyes. “They don’t think he’ll need anymore surgery for awhile. His Mom is taking care of him for now,” You gulped. Rafael was such an independent person, and you couldn’t imagine he’d like having to rely on his mother to care for him. Especially not when he wanted to be there for her as she got older. “I’m taking them dinner tonight if you want to come with,” you didn’t want to put Rafael in an uncomfortable situation if he didn’t want to see you, but at the same time, you wanted to go along. You nodded softly. “Carisi and I can finish this, head back to the squad room, and you and Fin should interview Kelli Manson, the vic from last week. Okay?” You nodded, getting your stuff together and starting your car. 

“Thanks Liv,” you said, and she nodded at you.

……………………………………………

You were sweating as you sat in Liv’s car, hands clenching and unclenching. You felt sick and uneasy, but this was necessary. The casserole pan was in your lap, the window cracked. “Y/N, just breathe. This is gonna be alright,” she said softly. You nodded, trying to relax in your seat. You wanted this to work out, to make you feel better somehow. You wanted to see him, to know he was doing okay, and to talk with him. You needed to tell him you were sorry. As you neared his apartment, you shook more. You followed Liv to the door, waiting anxiously as she knocked. It opened to reveal Mrs. Barba who smiled softly and invited both of you in.  

“Rafi is sleeping right now, here, come in here,” she said softly, leading you to the kitchen, “I appreciate you bringing us dinner, he had a long day, and I don’t know if I would have had time to make something myself. I think he’s getting tired of my cooking anyways,”

“He goes on and on about your food, I don’t think he’d get tired of it,” Liv said with a laugh, “How’s he feeling?”

“A little bit better. He had a slight melt down today, but he’ll feel better after a nap. I just think he’s tired of bad news,” she explained, taking the pan from your arms and setting it on the counter. “Maybe you could call him,” For a second you thought she may be talking to you, but when you looked up, she was facing Liv.

“Sure, I can talk to him,” she said kindly, “Could you let him know Y/N wants to talk to him?” she said softly. You appreciated her trying to help you. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” she said softly, “Would either of you like some tea?” 

“Sure,” you replied, smiling when she looked at you. Her smile looked like his. You took a seat on her couch, looking around at the pictures of Rafael that littered the walls and the mantle. A chubby four year old, dark hair and green eyes with a big smile. 

“He was always so smart. I couldn’t give him much, but he took good care of me. He’s made it so far,” she said softly as she handed you the mug. You sipped at the warm liquid, trying to calm down. You wanted to see Rafael, to know he was okay. He didn’t talk about it much, but you knew he came from practically nothing, so he was no stranger to dangerous situations, and yet he had still chosen to put himself in harm’s way. 

“Your son kept me safe,” you told her softly, “He let them hurt him to try and protect me. You raised a good man,” 

“Thank you,” she said, “For getting him out of there alive,” 

“Of course,” you whispered, “After everything, it was the least I could do,” 

“He’s asleep, but you can go check on him if you’d like,” she said softly. You nodded appreciatively, “Third door down the hall on the left,” You stood nervously, making your way down the hall and carefully opening his bedroom door. He was passed out, on his stomach, softly snoring in the little bedroom. The walls were adorned with posters and pictures from when he was younger. He looked out of place, snuggled up in loose pajama pants and a tee shirt, a scratchy beard covering his jaw. His hair was shaggy and longer than usual. There were books and tissues beside his bed, and it looked like he spent a lot of time laying there. It was a relief for you to see him, to see in person that he was alive and relatively alright. You wanted to sit down beside him and stroke your hands through his hair, but instead you made yourself leave, closing the bathroom door and looking in the mirror. You felt like crying, but in some ways, you did feel better. You just hoped that eventually he could find a way to forgive you. 

……………………………

You were walking up the stairs to Liv’s apartment to ask her a question about a case. You had a witness who was reluctant, and you needed to clear it with her before you to try and urge them to testify. It was late on a Friday night, but you wanted to take care of it as soon as possible. You hoped you wouldn’t be waking her or Noah up, but you thought they both might still be awake. You knocked on the door softly, and it was a few minutes of shuffling and a steadily approaching clicking sound before the door opened. Your jaw dropped when you saw Rafael leaning against the door frame, smiling softly at you. “Better close your mouth or you’ll catch some bugs,” he teased with a soft smile. 

“Hi,” you said softly. He looked amused, 

“Hi,” he whispered. 

“I—I didn’t expect to see you here,” you were so shocked, you could barely form sentences. 

“I gathered that,” he said softly with a laugh, “I assume you’re looking for Liv. She’s out, but why don’t you come in. I need to—” he paused for a second, breathing in and out, “I need to sit down,” 

“Of course,” you said softly, “Do you need help?” He shook his head, and startled hobbling back inside. When you got past the door, you saw the cane that was surely the cause of the soft clicking noise you heard. You shut the door, watching him as he carefully moved like every step was hurting him, hand resting over his stomach as he shuffled. He practically collapsed down onto the couch, sighing in relief. You made your way over, sitting in a chair off to the side. “I thought you were staying with your mom,” you said softly. 

“I paid for her to go on a cruise,” he explained, leaning back, his breathing slightly labored, “Months ago, and I didn’t want her to miss it just cause of me. Liv is looking after me for just a few weeks,” 

“How are you feeling?” You asked softly. He didn’t answer for a second, still trying to catch his breath. He let out a soft groan,

“Um,” he said, laughing just a little bit, “I’ve certainly been better,” 

“Is the….” You looked at the cane, but trailed off, “Permanent?” 

“No,” he replied, “Thank god, no. I’ve had four surgeries and my abdominal muscles are weak. It’s just to help until I can recover and get my strength up,” 

“How’s your arm?” You asked.

“Healed up pretty well,” he said with a smile, “But uh, how are you?” The concerned look in his eyes, how he looked at you like he cared so much, it made you start to cry. His eyes went wide, and he leaned forward in his seat, “Oh God, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea—I’m so sorry. I—I’m just gonna go in my room. I’m sorry,” He was up before you could object and starting down the hall. You wanted to tell him to stay—to wait, but you couldn’t get the words out past your tears. By the time you managed to calm down and stop crying, he was gone. You stood up, tired of the tension, and headed back to his bedroom. One knock on the door and you heard his soft voice, shaky with tears, “Noah? Do you need something?” 

“Rafael it’s me,” you said softly. He didn’t answer, “Can I come in? I think we need to talk,”

“Come in,” he said softly. You opened the door, taking a step in the room. He was on the bed, curled up on his side, his face streaked with tears. 

“Can I sit down?” You asked softly. He nodded, scooting over so you could take a seat beside him on the bed. “I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but I owe you not only a huge apology, but also a thank you. You saved me from so much pain, and you let them brutalize you. I’m so sorry you were hurt because of me,” 

“Y-You’re not mad at me?” He asked incredulously.

“No Rafael, I’m not mad at you,” you said softly, “What in the world would I be mad at you about? I thought you were upset with me. I didn’t want to hurt you,” 

“Y/N, I raped you. How can you even look at me?” He said softly, tears dripping down his cheeks once more. You gently reached out, stroking a hand down his arm, 

“I thought you went to Harvard,” You said softly, “For someone so smart, you can really be dumb sometimes,” He laughed a little bit, “You did not rape me Rafael. I told you it was okay. If you raped me, then I raped you too cause neither of us had much of a choice in the matter,” he swiped at a few tears, 

“I—I thought you were upset or I hurt you. I haven’t heard from you since everything,” he said softly. You got him a few tissues, frowning. 

“I came by your hospital room, but your mom didn’t think it was a good idea. I also dropped by with Liv once, but you were sleeping,” you told him. 

“Oh my god,” he whispered, “I feel so stupid,” he paused, shaking his head slightly, “My mom didn’t say a word: she means well. I’m sorry if she said anything…” 

“That makes two of us, and trust me, I understand the struggle with mothers,” you told him softly, laying down beside him on the bed. You felt him grab at your hand, lacing your fingers together, and you squeezed. “We good now?” You asked softly,

“More than,” he whispered. He was quiet for a little bit before he turned his head, looking at you, “Why do you think they did that to us?” he asked softly. You shut your eyes. You had been wondering the same thing since it happened. 

“I don’t know Rafael,” you replied, “I just--I don’t know,” 

“Do you have nightmares?” he asked. You didn’t want to answer that question. Making him feel worse about what happened would not help the situation, but you didn’t want to lie to him. 

“Sometimes,” you said. 

“Me too,” he told you, “I’ve barely told my Mom any of it. I can’t talk with her about it. It would kill her,”

“I get that Rafael, I really do,” you said softly, “I can’t even begin to talk about it myself,” He was quiet after that until he started groaning softly. 

“God Dammit, Y/N, can you get my pills?” His breathing was heavy, and he was squeezing your hand. You sat up, looking over the bottles on the nightstand. There were about a dozen of them. “The oxycodone,” he hissed, “Please,” You quickly rifled through the bottles, finding the bottle. You scrambled to open the bottle, dumping two pills out and into his hand. There was a glass of ice water on the nightstand as well which you handed to him. He gulped them down, moaning weakly as he laid down. You took his hand again, squeezing it tightly. You laid there together, neither of you feeling the need to talk. Your eyes started to droop; it had been a few days since you got a good night of sleep, and Rafael was like a space heater. You fought to keep your eyes open, but it was a losing battle. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short....sorry....

Warm cocoon, a noise far away in the distance pulling you from your sleep. You felt hazy and tired, your limbs heavy. There was a strong arm looped around your waist, your back pressed up against a warm body. You blinked a few times, breathing heavily, vision clearing, and you didn’t recognize the room. It took you a few moments to remember where you were and what happened. Rafael’s arm was draped over you, his soft breathing against the back of your neck. You really didn’t want to get up, but you didn’t want to alarm Rafael when he woke up. You were afraid to move, to disturb him, but you were hyper focused on his fingers that rested over the smooth skin of your stomach where your shirt rode up. He seemed so relaxed, but you weren’t. He shifted around slightly, arm pulling you closer. You shut your eyes again, just letting yourself enjoy feeling safe. He wouldn’t hurt you. You let yourself shut your eyes again. 

The second time you woke up, it was because of some shifting around at the door. You blinked, seeing Liv leaning against the door frame, her eyes wide. “Hey,” you said softly, “I’m not entirely sure how I got into this position, but I don’t want to wake him up,” She laughed softly. “I actually came here to talk with you,” 

“He’s medicated, you should be able to slip out without waking him,” she told you softly, “He’ll probably sleep for a couple more hours,” You slowly eased out from under him, slipping a pillow back where you were. Rafael shifted around, but he stayed asleep, snuggling into the pillow. You pulled a blanket up around him before following Liv out of the room. “You know I don’t care what you and Barba do in your free time,” she told you softly. 

“Don’t even,” you said, sitting down, “I swear to God it’s nothing at this point. We were talking on his bed, I got him some pills. We both must have fallen asleep,” 

“I was only teasing. That was the most peaceful he’s looked in ages though,” she said, “Do you want some tea or wine?” 

“Tea sounds good,” you replied, “Thank you,” She places a mug in your hands and you rubbed your fingers up and down the warm ceramic, “He feels really, really guilty,” you said softly. Liv nodded. “I wish he didn’t. He was selfless. It wasn’t his fault,” 

“He’ll hopefully get there eventually. Your forgiveness and support will help him,” Liv told you gently. 

“We’re both really messed up,” you whispered. 

“It takes time Y/N,” she said softly, “I really need him to cooperate to find the men who did this,” 

“I’ll see what I can do,” you said softly.

…………………………

You nervously were standing outside Liv’s door, plastic bag in hand as you waited. There was ice cream in the bag, Ben and Jerry's ‘Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz.’ You thought he’d like that. Liv mentioned to you that he was down a little bit, and you were off work. You hadn’t heard from him since that night, but you didn’t think he was upset with you. He had this irritating habit of not saying anything when he needed help. You knocked softly, and she answered the door, smiling when she saw you. “He’s in the living room,” she said softly. You nodded, slowly making your way toward her couch where you could see him sitting. Noah was beside him, and they had what looked to be a dictionary spread across their laps, 

“L-L,” Noah was sounding out something, Rafael leaned over by him, “Uncle Rafa, why won’t you just tell me what it means?” 

“Because this a valuable skill Noah. I won’t always be here to answer your questions,” Rafael replied, pointing out something on the page, 

“Isn’t that what Google is for?” the little boy said exasperatedly, and Rafael shook his head, 

“Liv what have you been teaching him?” Rafael said, sounding like he was about to give up. “The internet is not the answer, keep looking. I’ll help you. It’s L-I,” 

“Wow Rafael you really do have a way with kids,” You teased. He looked up at you, eyes wide with surprise, 

“Oh hi,” he said, a smile sneaking onto his face, “Noah, we can finish this later, why don’t you go help your Mom,” You smiled, taking a seat beside him on the couch, 

“I brought you some ice cream,” you said softly. He looked at it longingly like he wished he could eat the whole thing, “What?” You asked softly, “Don’t tell me you can’t have ice cream,” you said softly, feeling awful. 

“It’s not that I can’t per say, it’s just uh,” he looked down, his face reddening, “My injuries were extensive, so the doctors had to…..reroute…..everything temporarily so it could heal,” You drowned, not entirely sure what he was saying at first, but then it hit you, 

“Are you telling me you have a temporary colostomy?” You asked, and he nodded, looking embarrassed, “Rafael, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize—”

“No—No, I just, It might be a pain in my ass later, figuratively of course,” that made you laugh, “But uh, I think it’s worth it,” He smiles at you, taking the container and the spoon, opening it and taking a bite. He let out a pleased moan, shutting his eyes and smiling. “Definitely worth it,” 

“So you want to watch a movie?” You asked softly. He looked at you, grateful tears in his eyes, and he nodded, taking another bite of the ice cream. “Good cause I brought a couple,” You laid out of few for him to choose from. He picked one of your funnier comedies, and you settled back to watch it together. 

“So uh, is it your day of make sure Barba doesn’t kill himself?” He asked softly. 

“No, of course not,” you said softly, “I just thought it might be fun to watch a movie,” you scooted closer to him, “Stop overthinking things and eat your ice cream,” he laughed, taking another bite. He scooted closer to you, just a little bit, but you noticed. 

“I meant all that stuff I said,” he whispered. You looked over at him, smiling softly, 

“I know you did Rafael,” you told him gently, reaching for his hand. He set the ice cream on the coffee table, sitting quietly for a few minutes before he started sniffling. You wordlessly wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and he dissolved into quiet sobs. 

“I’m just sorry,” he whispered. You pulled him closer gently, 

“I know,” you murmured. He calmed down rather quickly, but when you looked into his eyes, you saw pain. He was suffering. 

“I can’t stop thinking about what they did,” he whispered, wiping at his face, “It was just hours of…..” he trailed off, shaking his head. 

“I’ve been thinking about it too,” you told him, “Everything I heard, what happened between us,” He looked at you sympathetically, his hand tightening around yours. 

“I’m gonna get through this,” he whispered, sounding unsure. You stroked his arm, 

“You’re gonna get through this,” your statement was more firm. He nodded, turning his attention back to the tv. You squeezed his hand one last time, letting him drop it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m probably gonna disappear for a few nights after this, but hopefully I can wrap this one up soon. I’ll keep you guys updated the best I can

You were sitting at your desk, working on paperwork and sighing when you heard someone approaching your desk. The soft clicking noise should have given it away, but you were distracted, thinking about the latest horrific case. “Barba, you look good,” Sonny’s voice startled you into looking up. Rafael was standing a few feet from your desk, clad in a pair of jeans and a white button down, leaning heavily on his cane. He looked a little anxious as Amanda, Fin, and Carisi came closer to him, talking all at once and quickly. “How are you?” Sonny asked, 

“Yeah, we’ve been worried about you,” Amanda added. They were asking him about his injuries, telling him that the new ADA was shit, and you stood up, putting a stop to it. He looked terrified, skittish like a cat. 

“Give him some space guys,” you said softly, stepping in, and he shot you a grateful look. He hobbled over to the chair beside your desk, taking a seat and breathing for a second. Then he flashed you a slight smirk, 

“I’ve never been so popular in my life,” he joked. You laughed, getting him a glass of water. He sipped at it, “I uh, I believe I owe you a lunch date,” You frowned, unsure of what he was talking about. He suddenly seemed nervous, looking away and gulping, “Only if you want to,” he added at the end, sounding shaky. 

“I’ll ask Liv if I can take a long lunch. Of course I want to,” you assured him quickly. You stood up, “I’ll be right back,” You poked your head into Olivia’s office, “Hey,” you said. She looked up from whatever she was reading at her desk, 

“Hey Y/N, what’s up?” she asked. You smiled, taking a step in. 

“You care if I go on a long lunch with Barba?” you asked. You were more than sure she’d give you permission. She smiled, 

“Go ahead, have fun,” she told you. You thanked her, heading back out to where he was sitting. 

“Alright, we’re good to go,” you said with a grin. He smiled handsomely, standing up, and offering you his arm. You took it more for his sake than your own. He moved slowly, but he seemed to be getting stronger. “So remind me when we made these lunch plans,” you said softly, “I seem to be forgetting,” 

“Ah, right,” he sounded slightly breathless, “You uh, you helped me with all that paperwork. I promised you lunch, but then…..well you know,” 

“Oh, right, okay. Now I remember. Where are we headed?” you asked, easing him down onto a bench to rest for a second outside the precinct. He took a few deep breaths, gripping the arm of the bench. 

“You like pizza right?” he asked once he managed to regulate his breathing. You gently rubbed his arm, hoping to be soothing at least slightly. 

“What kind of person doesn’t like pizza,” you responded, and he smiled. 

“Good, there’s this place my Mom has been raving about on 7th Ave,” he told you, “I thought we might try it,” 

“Alright then, let’s get you in my car,” you said, helping him up to his feet. You held the door for him, so he could slide into the passenger seat, and you started driving. “So, when’s your mom gonna be back?” you asked. 

“Next week. She keeps calling to check up on me. I wish she’d just have fun,” he said, his eyes shut. 

“Moms have a tendency to worry,” you said, “And she has plenty to worry about with you. Maybe you should have stayed home. This could have waited,” He snorted. 

“I’m dying a slow and painful death sitting at home all day,” he complained, “I can handle a little bit of exercise. It’s good for me,” 

“You look pale, are you sure you’re feeling alright?” you asked. 

“Just a little dizzy. I’m okay,” he assured you. You didn’t know whether to believe him or not, but you didn’t want to upset him, so you let it go. You drove quietly for a few minutes before you found a parking spot, 

“Ready?” you asked. He didn’t answer for a second, 

“Just a minute,” he finally said, sitting there and gathering his strength. “Okay, let’s go,” he said. You smiled, getting out, and then helping him to the sidewalk. He shrugged off your help after that, making his way into the restaurant, “Booth for two please,” he said. You both followed the waitress to a nice seat in the corner by the window, and he slid in, leaning his cane against the side. You sat across from him, taking a menu. 

“It smells so good in here,” you said softly, looking over the different options, “What do you want?” 

“Damn, I don’t know,” he murmured, “It all looks delicious, and I’m starving,” 

“I think I might try a couple pieces of a this Nonna Maria pizza. It looks too good to pass up,” you said. Rafael was quiet for a moment, still looking over his options, 

“The house special looks good to me, but I better stick to one piece and a salad,” he finally decided. You both ordered drinks, and then settled back to talk. 

“So, important question,” you said. He looked up at you, taking a sip from his iced tea, 

“Oh boy, should I be scared?” he asked. 

“Depends,” you paused for dramatic effect, “What’s your thoughts on pineapple on pizza?” you finally asked. He laughed, a deep, hearty sound vibrating from his chest. 

“Delicious,” he finally said, and you smiled, 

“So you do have good taste counselor,” you said. 

“I’m glad you think so,” he whispered. You talked quietly about nothing and everything until your food came out, and your mouth was watering just looking at it. Rafael let out a little moan when he took a bite of the pizza. 

“Taste good?” you asked, smiling at the blissed out look on his face. 

“You have no idea,” he said, taking another gulp of his drink, “All I usually eat is bland, high fiber, whole wheat crap,” he sounded bitter, and you felt a pang of sympathy. He noticed the sad look on your face and looked embarrassed for a second, “It’s temporary though,” 

“Doesn’t mean it sucks any less,” you said, and he smiled. He looked comforted by your comment, and you wondered how many people told him that his pain was irrelevant throughout his life. He took a few more bites, eating so fast you worried he might choke.

“I swear I’m not usually like this,” he said softly, face reddening. 

“No worries,” you told him, “Enjoy yourself,” He laughed. You knew him, his cynical attitude yet incredible compassion. That was what really mattered. 

“Thank you,” he said softly, “You’re really helping me,” 

“No Rafael, thank you. You saved me,” you replied, reaching for his hand across the table. He let you lace your fingers together, squeezing gently. “You’ll get through this,” 

………………………….

You were asleep when your phone started ringing loudly, pulling you from your dreams. You blinked blearily in the dark, rolling over and groping around for it on the nightstand. “Hello?” you whispered, rubbing your eyes and feeling disoriented. 

“Y/N, it’s Liv,” her voice was soft and sounded slightly panicked. 

“Liv, what’s up?” you asked, feeling more awake almost instantly. You sat up. 

“It’s Barba, he’s at the hospital again. He’s asking for you,” she said, “New York Presbyterian,” 

“Tell him I’ll be right there okay?” you said, scrambling out of bed. You threw on some leggings and a sweater, tossing your hair up into a bun and rushing out the door, keys and phone in hand. You drove so fast, you contemplated turning your siren on, but in the end you didn’t think you needed to. You made it to the hospital in record time, heart racing, hands shaking as you rushed in. You went to the desk, asking for his room number, and it felt like the nurse led you through miles of hallway before you were finally at his door. You knocked, and Liv answered, moving aside to let you in. Rafael was laying in the hospital bed, looking awful. His eyes were mostly shut, his skin pale. He was breathing rapidly. You leaned down, touching his hand softly, and his eyes fluttered open. He looked dazed, confused, “Hey,” you whispered. 

“Y/N,” he said weakly, “You came,” 

“Of course I did Rafael,” you murmured, gently squeezing. He closed his eyes again, looking completely exhausted. You turned to Liv, panic eating away at you, “What happened?” 

“He’s dehydrated,” she told you, “I tried to get him to go to the doctor earlier, but it happened so fast, and he said he was alright. He passed out. We’re waiting for the doctor to come back,” You sniffled, wiping at the few tears that managed to escape your eyes and sat beside his bed. Doctors rushed in moments later, and you had to step back while they fretted over him, taking vitals and hanging drugs from the IV. He made a pained noise when they made him open his eyes and try to talk, his voice sounding thick and slurred. 

“Can you tell me your name?” The doctor asked. 

“R’fl,” it was barely recognizable, but the doctor seemed pleased, 

“Okay, good, do you know where you are?” he asked. He didn’t even answer that question, eyes fluttering shut again. “Alright Rafael, it’s gonna be okay,” the doctor said before turning to both of you, “He’s hooked up to an IV, we’re pushing fluids and electrolytes, and he should be more aware in an hour or so,” 

“Thank God,” you whispered. 

“He has to be more careful, make sure he is drinking. I can’t stress that enough,” the doctor said. Liv nodded, looking relieved as well. 

“I’ll keep a better eye on him,” she said, “Thank you,” The man nodded before leaving again. You sat down once more, holding Rafael’s hand. 

“You’re gonna be fine,” you told him gently. He nodded minutely, barely visible, but you saw it. Looking closer at him, you noticed a cut on his forehead that had steri strips keeping it closed, “Did he hit his head?” you asked, and Liv nodded, 

“When he fainted. Noah called 911 for me,” she said softly. 

“You poor thing,” you whispered looking back at your sleeping friend. 

………………………………

“W-What happened?” his bleary voice pulled you from the darkness. You opened your eyes, seeing a white wall in front of you, something soft under your cheek. It took you a second to realize that softness was Rafael’s stomach. You sat up, looking over to see him looking at you, confusion in his eyes. “Y/N?” his voice sounded scared. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” you told him, rubbing his arm, “You were dehydrated, you passed out, but you’re alright now,” He nodded, going quiet for a few minutes. “Do you want some water?” 

“Yeah,” he said softly. You got up, heading out of the room to find him something to drink. When you came back, there were silent tears streaming down his cheeks, his breath hitching. You sat down on the edge of his bed, 

“What’s wrong?” you murmured. He just shook his head, looking away, like he was trying to hide it from you. “Rafael, it’s okay, tell me what’s wrong,” 

“I’m so tired of this,” he whispered, “I was feeling better finally, and then I had to go and fuck it all up again. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to think about it,” 

“You’ll be out of here in the morning Rafael,” you whispered, “I know this sucks, but you’re gonna be fine. This doesn’t change anything,” you told him gently, “And I’m gonna stay with you all night okay?” 

“Okay,” he whispered, “Thank you,” 

“Now sit up, and try some of this gatorade,” you said gently, easing him up and handing him the cup. He brought the straw to his lips, sipping the red liquid slowly. After a few minutes of sitting there, his phone started buzzing on the table, 

“Can you hand that to me?” He asked with a sigh, and you grabbed it. “Oh God, it’s my mom,” He pressed accept and brought the phone up to his ear, “Hola?” He paused, “Si Mami,” he paused again, and you heard rapid Spanish coming from the phone like she was yelling at him, “Mami—” he tried to interject, “Mami—esperad—Mami,” he looked at you, exasperation in his eyes, letting her berate him for a few more minutes until he got tired of it, “Por favor Mami--Mom stop. I’m fine. I am fine,” she stopped yelling at him then, and you heard soft weeping sounds. Rafael spoke a few low sentences in Spanish, assuring her he was alright. Finally, he got her to calm down, “Alright Mami, I love you. I’ll see you next week. I’m gonna be perfectly alright,” Then he hung up, letting his head fall back against the pillow. “Liv just had to call her,” he sighed. 

“Oh hush, she’s just worried for you,” you told him softly. He shook his head, 

“She worries too much. She has to get involved in things that have nothing to do with her,” he grumbled, “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me you wanted to talk,” 

“Rafael, she was doing what she thought was best for you. She’s trying to protect you,” you told him, reaching for his hand. He squeezed yours, sniffling only for a second. 

“Thank you for coming here tonight,” he whispered. 

“Of course Rafael. If you need me, I’m just a call away,” you told him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being sick does have some upsides: I was able to stay home and write for awhile so I have new chapter! Let me know what you think :)

Two knocks and the door opened. “Detective,” Lucia Barba’s voice was just as cold as ever. “Is there something you needed?” she asked. 

“I’m here to see Rafael,” you told her. She sighed, 

“I’m not so sure my son would like to see you right now,” she told you. You weren’t entirely sure what to say, but then Rafael appeared behind her, 

“Y/N!” He said, a grin on his face, “Hey, come on in,” She begrudgingly moved aside to let you in. Rafael led you back to his bedroom, and you took a seat on the edge of the bed while he leaned against the headboard. “How was court yesterday?” He asked. He had started texting you throughout the day, and it was a nice distraction from work. You had been telling him about your nerves for court as it was the first time testifying since everything. 

“It went pretty well. Buchanan is an asshole, but that’s par for the course,” you said scooting further onto the bed so you could lean against the headboard beside him. “Speaking of which, thank you for the text yesterday morning. That really helped,” He blushed. 

“Anytime,” He whispered. He clicked on the tv, still blushing. He was being evasive, not meeting your eyes, and you thought it was kind of cute. “Do you like Friends?” He asked. 

“Does Ross like Rachel?” You said, and he laughed. 

“Raf,” you said softly after a few minutes. He looked up at you, “I don’t want to upset you, but uh I wanted to ask you something,” 

“Okay,” He said slowly, looking nervous. 

“Liv said you didn’t really want to disclose,” you said softly. He leaned his head back against the wall with a sigh, “I want to find these guys Rafael,” 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he whispered. There was a finality to his tone, so you let it go. You would try again another time. It was tense for a few minutes and silent until you felt his hand reaching for yours. It was almost like an apology for getting irritated, but it was also him telling you he was there. You were in this together, your own little support system because nobody else knew what you had been through. There was a soft knock on the door, “Come in Mom,” he said, and she brought in food,

“Are you two hungry?” she asked. She brought a couple plates in with some sort of nachos and a tray with extra stuff to put on them. She cupped Rafael’s cheek, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “Are you doing okay?” she asked, “Do you need anything?” 

“I’m fine Mom,” he said softly, and she sighed, but let it go, 

“You need to take your pills,” she told him, handing him a little cup with at least a dozen capsules. He made a face, but took it anyways and set on the edge of his plate. 

“Can I have some juice or something?” he asked. She nodded, patting his leg and promising to be back. “I think she realized I was sick of eating….mulch,” he laughed a little as he spoke, “She was strictly listening to my doctor’s recommendations, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Doctor told her I could have junk every now and then,” He started picking at the chips. He was excessively quiet, and you were worried about him. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” you told him. 

“It’s not your fault Y/N, this whole thing just sucks,” he said softly, “I sit here all day in my pajamas, watching tv, and I don’t know….” he trailed off, starting to cry, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. Everytime I start to get better, it’s something else,” 

“I’m sorry Rafael. I wish I could help you more,” you said softly. He wiped at his eyes, glaring at the tv. 

“You are helping,” he whispered. He sniffled a few times, “I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry, I want to catch these guys, but I just can’t tell anyone. It’s bad enough you had to see it,” 

“You don’t have to,” you assured him, “This is in your hands Rafael. Your choice,” you promised him. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, wiping his eyes again. He started eating again, sniffling and quietly watching the show. You scooted closer to him, and he tensed at first, but then he relaxed shifting over so he could lean against you a little bit. He turned slightly, his cheek resting against your shirt. He moved a pillow, putting it under his side, trying to add support and relieve some of his pain. 

“Do you want another back rub?” you asked softly. He looked at you, eyes wide with surprise, but then he nodded eagerly. “Maybe I can work some of those knots out of your neck too,” You nudged him up until he was sitting, and you started at his shoulders. You gently ran your hands over the broad muscles, palms rubbing against his soft tee shirt. He started to relax under your hands. Pressing your fingers into his muscles, you rubbed small circles into his traps, working them tighter when you felt knots. He hissed in discomfort when you pressed particularly sore areas, but you backed off if it was too bad. Mostly he just started to relax, shoulders dropping, soft groans of pleasure escaping his lips. You moved down his back, fingers pressing in right around his spine before ghosting over across his shoulder blades. At the beginning, he had been eating while you worked, but abruptly, he abandoned his plate in favor of grabbing the pillow beside you and resting it in his lap. You would have thought nothing of it if it wasn’t for the red tint to his neck and face. “You okay?” You whispered by his ear before realizing that probably wasn’t helping the situation. 

“Fine, fine,” He breathed, voice sounding vaguely strained. You ran your hands down his sides, gentle not to put too much pressure on his ribs, and then you were working on his lower back, and he let a strangled groan, jerking away. You immediately let go, “Sorry,” he whispered, swallowing heavily and moving to his feet. He grabbed the cane, “I—I’ll be right back,” You hoped he wasn’t too mortified, it wasn’t a big deal to you. Massage involved touch, and you knew he had no ill intent. You settled back to eat nachos while you waited for him. He was gone for at least fifteen minutes, and when he returned, he was blushing profusely, taking a seat beside you on the bed, “I—I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t—” he trailed off. 

“Don’t worry about it Rafael, I understand,” you told him softly. He seemed comforted by that, letting out a sigh. He started eating again, slowly, and the tension had palpably decreased. You liked that when you were around him you could talk about almost anything, but at the same time, you didn’t have to be talking. Silence was comfortable, just spending time in each other’s presence. 

“So,” he said softly, “Tell me about the new ADA,” 

“Oh God,” You whispered with a laugh, and he grinned at you. 

………………………………

You were scrambling to finish your paperwork after collaring two perps for stalking. You had promised Rafael you would stop by for a couple hours because he was ready to rip his hair out, and you could relate to that feeling. You were just going to watch some tv and hang out, hopefully lift his spirits some. You checked your phone, frowning. He hadn’t answered you since yesterday. You figured he was probably sleeping or just resting, so you didn’t worry about it. The paperwork was tedious and annoying, and you just wanted to be done with it. 

“Y/N?” that was Liv’s voice, “What are you still doing here?” You turned to look at her, 

“Sonny stuck me with the paperwork,” you said with a laugh, “I’m almost done though,” 

“How are you doing?” she asked, sitting down beside you. You sighed, shrugging. 

“Better I guess. Rafael helps,” you whispered. 

“I’m glad you two are talking. I think it’s helping him too,” she said, “How’s work feel?” 

“Hard sometimes, but I’m making it work. I’m looking into some more therapy,” you told her. 

“Go on home. I’ll make Carisi finish these tomorrow,” she said with a smile. You smiled, 

“Liv, thanks,” you said softly, “For everything,” 

“Of course Y/N,” she replied. You collected your things, slipping into your jacket before heading out the door. You got in your car, pulling your phone out and shooting Rafael a text to let him know you were on your way. No answer. You couldn’t shake your worry, but you didn’t want to let it overtake you. You knew it could easily be nothing. You pulled up, parking your car and locking it before heading up to the door. You hoped Rafael would answer. You knocked once, and it opened to reveal Lucia Barba. 

“Hi Mrs. Barba,” you said kindly, “I’m here to see Rafael,” She surprisingly moved aside to allow you entry. 

“He’s not feeling the best,” she said softly as she led you back to his bedroom. She opened the door, poking her head in, “Rafi, Y/N is here to see you,” her voice was soft and cautious. You heard a soft groan and some mumbling. “Just be gentle with him,” she said softly, real concern in her eyes. You weren’t sure what exactly she thought you might do, but you could relate to her worrying. You took half a step into the dark room, 

“Hey,” you whispered gently. He was curled up on the bed, a blanket pulled over his head, and he was unmoving. “Can I come in?” you asked. 

“Sure,” his voice was so soft you could barely hear it. You sat on the edge of the bed, gently pulling the blanket back so you could see his face. He was covered in sweat, eyes barely open at all. “I’m not feeling so hot,” he mumbled, blinking a few times, 

“I see that,” you whispered, “Can I help?” He didn’t answer. You felt his forehead, mumbling apologies when he flinched slightly. He was burning up, but you weren’t sure what he could have that wouldn’t mix negatively with all his medication. He shivered slightly. 

“M’cold,” he whispered, so you went to his closet, pulling out a soft sweatshirt, and helping him to get in it. 

“Better?” You asked softly. He nodded minutely. “I can make you some tea,” 

“No thanks,” he whispered. He looked away, refusing to meet your eyes. 

“Is there anything that would make you feel better?” you asked, and he bit his lip. 

“I don’t know,” he finally whispered. You scooted into the middle of the bed, easing his head and shoulders up so you could rest them in your lap, 

“How about we watch some tv?” you whispered. He nodded at that, so you clicked on Netflix, running your fingers gently through his hair as you watched a show. To an outsider, your position may have seemed intimate or suggestive of a relationship, but you and Rafael were at the point where you had seen each other in such vulnerable states that it was quite honestly just another aspect of your friendship. Not that you would deny you had feelings for him, but you didn’t think he felt the same, and you were okay with that. At the moment, all either of you needed was a friend. He snuggled into your lap, sighing softly as you ran your fingers over his back and neck and through his thick hair. He sniffled a lot, and you felt bad that he was feeling so poorly. He hadn’t apparently been on his phone all day. 

“Mom didn’t give you a hard time when you came over?” He asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. 

“No, no, she let me right in,” you told him. 

“Good. I talked with her,” he whispered, “She can be so damn infuriating sometimes, but she means the best,” 

“I think I’ve said those words about you before,” you said with a laugh, and he chuckled just slightly. 

“What time is it?” He asked. You looked at your watch, 

“Almost 8,” you told him. He started to try and sit up, but he was too weak. “What’s wrong?” You asked, “What do you need?” 

“M’sposed to take my pills,” he murmured. As if on cue, there was a knock on his door, 

“Raf, can I come in?” His Mom called. 

“I have no idea what she thinks we’re doing in here,” he said with a laugh, “Yeah, sure,” the second part, he said louder, and the door opened. He winced at the light. 

“I have your medicine darling,” she said softly. 

“You should drink some water too Rafael,” you told him, easing him up to sit. He hissed in pain, taking the little cup from his mother that contained all his pills. 

“I brought you some gatorade Rafi,” Lucia said softly, handing him a small bottle of red. You gently ran a hand down his back as he worked on gulping down his pills. He started coughing afterwards, tears streaming down his cheeks. You tried to comfort him, but it wasn’t much help when he was in so much pain. 

“Try and finish your drink,” you suggested softly once he was able to calm down a little bit. He nodded, sipping at the gatorade until it was gone. You were careful not to touch him without explicit warnings because you didn’t want to startle or upset him. He leaned back against you though, looking completely exhausted. 

“M’not gonna be very good company,” he whispered, “Medicine….” he paused, “Medicine makes me sleepy,” 

“Don’t worry about it,” you told him softly, “Do you want me to stay or do you want to be alone?” 

“You don’t have to stay,” he whispered, but you knew he meant that he wanted you to. He just didn’t want to be a burden. 

“How about I stay with you until you fall asleep,” you offered. He smiled, nodding and settling back against his pillow when you shifted around to let him lay down. He snuggled into your side, resting his cheek against your shoulder. You rubbed his back, trying to coax him asleep. Not because you wanted to leave, but because you knew it would make him feel better. 

“I really appreciate you,” he mumbled, “Everything is hard right now, and you make it just a little better. That means the world to me,” 

“I’m glad I can help Rafael,” you murmured, hugging him to you tighter, “You mean the world to me,” you mumbled the last part, and he didn’t say anything, so you were pretty sure he didn’t even hear it. Soon enough, he was passed out, and snoring softly, and you weren’t entirely sure how to get out from under him, so you just stayed for awhile. He moved around in his sleep, his arm resting over your stomach, and then he started to mumble, 

“No, no,” he whispered, his head moving around. He looked alarmed. His face was so sweaty, it was starting to stick to your skin. You stroked his back a few times, hand venturing up into his hair,

“Shh, shh, you’re alright Rafael,” you murmured. He settled down, still asleep, and quieted. You hated to think about how bad his nightmares must be. You wished he could find a way to tell Liv everything; you knew it would not only help him, but it would also help you. You felt bad that the thought of it distressed him so much. He didn’t need to be embarrassed about it. “No matter what, I’m in your corner,” you whispered.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here’s the next chapter. Now excuse me while I go sleep for 3 days straight lmao. But for real, thanks for all the well wishes! Let me know what you think ;)

You woke up, blinking at the unfamiliar ceiling. It took you a moment to remember where you were, and then you were softly swearing. Your phone was buzzing incessantly in your pocket, so you struggled to pull it out without disturbing the fast asleep lawyer who was all tangled up with you in bed. His arms were holding you tight, legs all mixed up with yours. You managed to get it up to your ear, “Hello?” You whispered. 

“Y/N, where are you?” That was Liv’s voice, and she didn’t sound very happy. 

“I’m sorry,” you said, still keeping your voice really low, “I fell asleep at Rafael’s house,” 

“I understand you’re both having a rough time, but I would appreciate it if you could come in soon,” she said. She sounded understanding which you were glad for, but she didn’t sound happy necessarily. 

“Okay, yeah, sorry Liv. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” you said softly. You hung up, sighing, and started to try and extract yourself from his tight hold. His arms were strong wrapped tightly around you, and his face pressed into your hair. You tried to ease his hands off of you, but he was so much bigger than you, and when he was asleep, his limp body felt like it weighed a ton. “Oh come on Rafael,” you whispered, “Please,” He shifted around slightly, groaning and then he blinked. 

“Y/N?” he asked, “You’re still here?” his voice was so gravely, so drowsy with sleep. 

“You’re like an octopus,” you whispered, and he laughed deeply. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, but he still hadn’t let go. 

“It’s alright. How do you feel?” you asked him, glad when he loosened his hold even just a little bit. 

“Better,” he whispered, closing his eyes, and you were scared he was going to fall asleep again. 

“Rafael, I need you to let me go. I have to go to work,” you told him softly, but he didn’t let go. You tried to pull away, and his eyes fluttered open, 

“Don’t-Don’t leave me,” he whispered. You laughed softly, but cupped his cheeks, focusing his eyes on you. 

“I need to go to work. Liv is gonna be angry,” you told him. That seemed to snap him out of his half asleep daze, and momentarily he looked horrified. He let go of you immediately, reaching up and rubbing his face, 

“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding awful, “Oh God,” 

“Hey--Hey, look here. It’s alright. Don’t be upset Rafael,” you said. You weren’t sure what made him so alarmed suddenly, but it worried you. “I’m alright,” you whispered. He slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position, running a hand through his hair. He blinked a few times as you stood up, trying to straighten out your clothes. 

“Let me walk you out,” he said softly, dragging himself out of bed, and grabbing his cane. He seemed to be moving a little better than the last time you’d seen him, definitely faster. He wouldn’t meet your eyes, looking at the ground instead. He slowly made his way toward the door, you following close behind, and he stood there awkwardly. You wanted to hug him or say something, but he looked extremely uncomfortable, and he was making himself look small, like he didn’t want to be touched, 

“Bye,” you whispered. He just nodded, sighing and continuing to refuse to meet your eyes. You went out the door, shaking your head and wishing he didn’t look so distraught. You sighed, slipping into your car, and driving back to your apartment where you quickly changed and brushed your teeth before rushing to the office. When you walked in, Sonny looked at you, eyes wide, 

“You look like hell,” he said. 

“Please Sonny, not now,” you sighed, setting your things down. 

“Liv wants to see you,” he said softly. You shut your eyes for a second before heading over to your boss’s office. 

“Y/N, shut the door,” she said softly. You gulped, but did as she said, shutting the door before taking a seat. It was uncomfortably quiet for a moment before you just burst out with it. 

“I’m sorry I’m late, it won’t happen again,” you stumbled over your words. Liv looked surprised, taking her glasses off, and granting you with a disarming smile. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry if I sounded annoyed on the phone, it was a rough morning with the squad. I’m not upset with you,” she explained, “I am worried though,” 

“I’m alright,” you said softly, trying to reassure her. 

“How are you sleeping?” she asked softly, and you looked away. The truth was, falling asleep at Rafael’s was the first good night of sleep you had gotten all week. “Y/N,” she sighed, “I think it would help you if talk about what you saw,” 

“I can’t do that to him,” you whispered, “I just can’t,” 

“Have you told him what this is doing to you? He might change his mind then,” she asked. You sighed, shutting your eyes, 

“I can’t put that on his shoulders too. He’s already struggling Liv, how am I supposed to tell him that he’s hurting me right now. He’ll only do it because he feels guilty,” you said softly, “He’s the one who was…..” you trailed off, feeling vaguely sick, “You saw him….” you said softly, “You know how bad it actually is,” 

“I can’t find these guys without more information. There was nothing in the system when we ran the DNA, and we can’t run the MO without your cooperation,” she said. You couldn’t do it no matter how much you wanted to. You couldn’t let Rafael get any more hurt than he already was. “He’s not going to get better without talking about it,” Liv said softly. 

“I’ll try to talk with him again, but I don’t think it will do anything Liv. I’m trying,” you finally replied. “He was really sick last night, and I stayed with him all night,” you whispered, “I just don’t know what to do to help. He says I’m helping, but he just seems upset like I’m hurting him by just being there,” 

“Hurting you tears him apart Y/N, he can’t cope with it no matter how much you tell him it was okay,” she told you, “You know him. He’s just so stubborn. If he would listen to me,” 

“He doesn’t listen to anyone,” you said with a laugh, “I wish he’d just forgive himself,” 

“I don’t know that he ever will,” Liv told you. You knew she was right, “Alright. Get back to work. Let me know if he changes his mind,” 

“Thanks Liv,” you said softly, and she nodded. 

………………………………….

You were in the shower when your phone started to ring. You could hear it blaring over the water beating down on the wall. You quickly got out, drying yourself off as you grabbed it from the sink, “Hello?” you asked softly. 

“You sound busy, I-I shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry--” the voice started to say. 

“Rafael?” you asked, “Is that you? I’m not busy, what’s up?” His voice had a unique tremor to it that told you everything you needed to know about his current mental state. He sounded awful, like he had been crying for hours. 

“No--no I’m sorry to bother you, I--I’m just gonna go,” he mumbled. 

“No don’t go,” you said immediately, “Please tell me what’s going on,” He was dead silent, apparently having lost his nerve, “Well if you don’t want to tell me, I hope you don’t mind me talking for a bit,” He didn’t object to your request. “Just give me like five seconds to put some clothes on, and then we can talk,” After you said it, you realized how that sounded. Rafael, to his credit, didn’t say anything, “Um….I’m gonna take that statement back. I just got out of the shower,” you explained. He laughed softly at that, voice still sounding watery and unsteady. “But for real, I’m gonna get dressed quick,” you set the phone down, turning the water completely off and pulling on some boy shorts and a tee shirt. You walked out to your couch, curling up with a glass of wine and your phone, smiling when your cat laid down beside you. “Okay, so yesterday Carisi and I were chasing this guy, and we’re running down the street, past all these people. Not one person helps us, and he leads us toward the park. Carisi told me to try and cut him off, so we went separate ways, and I circled around, but Sonny couldn’t catch him. This idiot tripped me right into this puddle. I was covered in mud and disgusting water. Sonny couldn’t stop laughing after he finally got the dude,” 

“You fell in a puddle,” he said starting to laugh, intermittent sniffles mixed in, “Thank you for making me laugh,” 

“Of course. Now why don’t you tell me why you called,” you asked. He was quiet again for a few minutes, but right as you were about to start talking again, he finally cracked, 

“My Mom started asking me all these questions today, and I just broke down,” he whispered, “I feel like I’m making her life hell already, she quit her job because of this,” he started to sob again, “I don’t know how she’s gonna retire now, and it’s like I’m a little kid again. She has to watch me all day and all night. She stays up and watches me sleep sometimes to make sure I’m still breathing. I wish I could just answer her goddamned questions, but I can’t,” You were quiet, letting him sob for a few seconds before you were sure he was done speaking, 

“Rafael, take a breath,” you whispered, “Try to calm down,” He took a few hitching breaths, gasping but starting to regulate his emotions. “Your mother loves you Rafael, I’m sure she is glad to take care of you while you need it, and this is not permanent. You’re gonna get better. I understand what happens embarasses you and upsets you, but talking about it is how you’re gonna move on. Explain to your mother that you aren’t ready yet,” 

“I feel dizzy,” he whispered, “I’ve been crying for hours. I need something to drink--Mami?” his voice rose, trying to attract his mother’s attention, “Mami!” You heard quick footsteps and then some quick Spanish before he was present again in your conversation. You were glad he wasn’t dumb enough to try and go get it himself when he was obviously worn out and unstable. 

“When’s your next doctor’s appointment?” you asked. 

“Couple weeks. They’re gonna have to check…..everything out again, and decide if I can get my colostomy reversed soon,” he said, sounding exhausted, “I don’t want more surgery, but I also definitely don’t want this colostomy bag anymore either,” You wished you could help him, but he was stuck. “Do you want some company at the appointment?” you asked. 

“No!” his answer was frantic and almost immediate, and he awkwardly cleared his throat, “N-No, thanks though,” he amended. 

“Well give me a call if you change your mind,” you said, “I was wondering if you wanted to come over here sometime, get out of the house, a change of scenery. We could watch a movie or play cards to just talk,” 

“I would really, really like that,” he said, “Maybe Mom could go to lunch with some of her friends or something,” 

“Yeah that’s a nice idea,” you said, smiling, “I could get whatever you want to eat. You name it and it’s yours, and we could watch something or just hang out,” 

“Oh you know what would be heavenly,” he said softly, “A nice thick steak,” 

“I think that can arranged,” you said with a smile. 

“Just about any time is good for me,” he said with a wry laugh, “So that’s up to you,” 

“How about Saturday, I’m off, and you can come over here however long you want. I have a guest room if you want to sleep,” you told him, “And I can pick you up,” 

“I hope you know how much you help me everyday. I wouldn’t get through this without you,” he whispered. 

“You’ve been helping me a lot too Rafael,” you told him, “We’re in this together,” 

“Together,” he whispered back.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this chapter not gonna lie. I feel like there won’t be one tomorrow but who knows. Depends on how long my hw takes. Let me know what you guys think!

You were at your desk when you heard the familiar sound of Rafael’s cane clicking on the floor. You looked up and saw him limping into the squad room toward Liv’s office. He gave you a soft smile but didn’t stop to talk. He looked out of breath, his Mom holding onto his elbow as he slowly made his way into the office. You weren’t sure what they were possibly doing in there, but Liv shut the door, and he was there for awhile. You couldn’t focus on your work, instead watching the door. When he came back out, he looked upset, but you were sure he didn’t disclose. He would be worse off. You stood up, but you didn’t want to crowd him, so you didn’t follow. When his mother left, you went to Liv’s office, poking your head in. 

“He’s not gonna be medically cleared for work for at least another six months,” she said, sighing.

“Did he take it hard?” you asked, coming and sitting down.

“A little bit. He’s disappointed, and he’s upset,” she said, leaning back into the chair. You felt sick. “He smiled when I asked if he wanted to come to Noah’s tee ball game though. Noah misses him,”

“Even after Rafael made him use a dictionary?” You asked with a laugh. Liv chuckled, smiling,

“He also read him three bedtime stories when he’s only supposed to get one, and he makes very good tacos,” she told you. You smiled softly at that,

“Maybe I should get him to make me some,” You said. She nodded, “I’ll give him a call later, see how he’s doing,” 

“I think that’d be good,” she said. You headed back to your desk, wondering why he didn’t even stop to say hi. You pulled your phone out, and saw a message from him, 

_ Can I come over tonight?  _ You were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but you didn’t mind if he stayed the night. 

_ Sure, I’ll text you when I’m leaving work _ You typed back almost immediately. 

_ Thank you. You’re a lifesaver. _ His next message popped up moments later, and you were suddenly worried about him even more. You distractedly worked on your filing until it was finally time for you to leave. You collected your things, standing up and grabbing your phone. 

_ On my way to pick you up. _ You typed the message quickly, climbing into your car and starting toward his mother’s apartment. You stopped and got some groceries before you got there. He was waiting for you, outside with Lucia. You took the bag he packed, putting it in the trunk and helping him into the passenger seat. Lucia didn’t look very happy, but you realized it was likely worry when she came over, handing you a list.

“He needs his pills at eight this evening and with breakfast when he gets up tomorrow. He can’t have dairy with his medicine because it makes him feel sick. I have the rest of the medicine schedule on here with my phone number if you have any questions,” she paused, “If he wants to take a shower, he might need help. He won’t ask for it because he’s too stubborn, but he might need help,”

“Mami,” Rafael’s voice cut her off. You turned and saw your window open. “I’m fine Mom, don’t worry,” he said softly. She nodded, going over and opening the door and giving him a hug again. 

“Please take good care of him, he’s my baby,” she told you, and you nodded, 

“I promise. He’ll be alright,” you promised. She nodded, and when you got into the car, Rafael was rolling his eyes. 

“I’m sorry about that,” he sighed. 

“She’s just worried about you,” you told him, and he shrugged. 

“I wish she wouldn’t,” he mumbled. 

“I thought you weren’t going to the doctor for another week or two,” you commented, driving toward your apartment. 

“I was feeling really bad,” he said softly, “Mom wanted them to check and make sure I didn’t get another infection. They did all that, and then they just decided that I’m gonna be really bad off for at least six more months, probably a year,”

“What? But I thought you were doing better,” you said, glancing at him. He looked upset, “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” you added. He sighed. 

“No, no, it’s just disappointing. I’m gonna need more surgery and then physical therapy, and they want me to go to some talk therapy for awhile, but I don’t really want to talk about any of it,” he grumbled. 

“I know it’s hard to talk about it, but maybe you’ll feel better afterwards,” you said. You wanted to cheer him up, but he was in this dark place, and you didn’t think you were really helping.

“I hate that you saw any of it,” he whispered, “I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of it, but it’s just so awful,” 

“I’m glad I was there, so you weren’t alone,” you said softly, looking at him. He had tears in his eyes, but he nodded. 

“It helped when I could look at you,” he whispered, his voice little more than a tremor, “Distracted me from the pain,” 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you,” you said softly, shaking your head. You were pulling into your apartment, and you got out of the car, grabbing grocery bags. 

“Let me carry those,” he said softly, and you looked at him incredulously for a moment before you realized he was serious. You handed over one bag, getting his duffel out of the trunk and carrying the rest yourself. You followed behind him slowly as he headed inside to the elevator. “You did help me,” he whispered in the elevator, and you felt your throat constricting. He didn’t say anymore after that. You unlocked the door to your apartment, setting the groceries in the kitchen. You took his bag back to the guest room, setting it on the bed, and when you returned, he was putting things away in your kitchen. 

“Rafael, go sit down. I can do this,” you said softly, “Are you hungry?”

“I can put them away,” he said stubbornly, “At least let me help you make dinner,”

“Fine,” you relented, “We can have pasta or steak, your choice,” you told him. He thought for a moment before handing you the box of pasta, “I have this delicious creamy mozzarella sauce that my mom taught me,” you told him. He made a face like he was in heaven.

“That sounds fantastic,” he said, “And tomorrow we can make steak,” 

“Sounds good to me,” you said with a smile. He worked quietly beside you, helping to cut things up and boil the pasta. You pulled him a chair over to sit down if he got tired, but he stubbornly stayed standing. “So I have some movies in the living room that you can look at, or we could just talk,” 

“Thank you for this. I really just needed to get out of the house,” he whispered.

“Of course,” you replied. He finished cutting up the sun dried tomatoes that you stirred into the sauce while he slowly made his way into the living room to look at the movies. 

“Do you have anything besides cheesy romance movies?” he called from the other room, and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Look below those, there should be some comedies and action movies,” you replied. You finished the pasta, stirring it into the sauce, and getting two plates out of the cabinet. You went into the living room, seeing him collapsed onto the couch. He looked exhausted. “I told you to sit down,” you scolded, and he graced you with an embarrassed smile. You took the movie he picked from his hands and put it in the DVD player. Then you brought him a plate of food and he took one bite, shutting his eyes.

“Oh my God, that’s delicious,” he whispered. You smiled, sitting beside him with your own food. “What made you want to be a detective?” he asked and you almost choked. The sudden question startled you. You thought for a second, 

“Um,” you said softly, “Let’s just say, I saw some pretty bad stuff as a kid, and I wanted to change that. To make a difference I guess. How about you?” 

“I grew up a poor kid in the Bronx,” he replied, “With a violent drunk for a father who used me and my mother as punching bags. I wanted to help people get out of those situations,” You gave him a reassuring smile, realizing he probably didn’t share that story often. You hadn’t thought about what he may have meant when he said he’d been worse off than a broken arm, but now it was all you could think about. He picked at his pasta for a few more minutes, “I’m so confused,” he admitted. You looked at him quizzically, waiting for clarification. “They waited for us outside the precinct,” he said softly, “And then--then James was so….it was like he cared about me, but then he’d hurt me,” You really didn’t have an answer for him. 

“Rafael, I have no idea,” you said softly, “I just wish more than anything that it wouldn’t have happened. I wish I could have spared you that pain,”

“It was worth it,” he replied, “I’d do it again,” he paused, “Well….everything but what I did to you. I know you want me to forgive myself, but I want to say I’m sorry,” 

“If you need me to forgive you, it’s already done,” you told him. 

“How can you not be upset with me?” he asked, “Forced or not, I could have refused. I hurt you. I choked you until you passed out,” he sounded disgusted with himself.

“Raf,” you said, setting down your plate. He looked at you with tears in his eyes, “I told you to. By being willing to refuse, you gave me that choice, and even if it did hurt me, I chose to let you do that to save both of us,” He sniffled, wiping at the tears now streaming down his cheeks. “Try not to worry about it. It’s okay,” 

“Hurting you is never okay,” he whispered. You sighed, but reached for his hand, and he squeezed it. It was quiet for awhile, but then he spoke up, sounding better, “I told my Mom to go out with friends and she looked at me like I had three heads or something,”

“She worries about you, and I don’t blame her,” you told him.

“I wish she’d have a good time though. I can’t have her give up her entire life for me. I can’t,” he whispered, “I don’t know if she’ll go out or not,” 

“Why don’t you give her a call in an hour or so, tell her you’re doing alright and that you hope she’ll have a nice time tomorrow,” you suggested. He took a bite of pasta.

“I’m a fucking mess,” he whispered, “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t make tonight hard for you. I should have waited to come over until tomorrow. I’m messing up everyone’s life,” 

“You’re not messing up my life,” you told him, “I promise,” He didn’t answer, picking at his food instead. “Rafael, please,” He set his food down for a second, pushing up to his feet, 

“Excuse me for a couple minutes,” he said softly, and he disappeared back into the bathroom, shutting the door after him. You hoped he wasn’t too upset, but when he returned, his eyes were red like he was crying. When he sat down, you patted his thigh, 

“I’m glad you’re here tonight,” you told him, “You’re my best friend,” 

“I’m glad you were with me,” he whispered, “You kept me calm during all of it,” 

“That’s funny because I remember how glad I was that I was with you. I felt safe,” you replied. He looked up at you, sparkling tears in his eyes. Then he shook his head, looking down, 

“I’m sure I ruined that,” he scoffed. 

“You absolutely did not,” you told him sternly, “You told me you would stop if I asked, that made me feel safe,” He looked upset, but he smiled weakly when he looked over at you, 

“Thank you,” he whispered, “I’m really trying to stop beating myself up, but it’s so hard,”

“You’re such a good person,” you told him softly, “You hold yourself to such high standards that it’s not fair,” He nodded, starting to eat again. You wanted to suggest talking to someone again, but he had been so resistant to it the last time you spoke, you were terrified to upset him. Not when he felt safe with you. “Do you want a drink?” you asked. 

“Yes please, do you have juice?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I’ll get you some,” you told him, and he started to try and stop you, but you leveled him with a glare. Instead of staying to allow him to argue, you went to the kitchen and poured him a glass of what you had in your fridge. He sipped at it, keeping his eyes on the tv. You wished you could help him, make him feel better, but he seemed to be in such an awful place. You scooted closer to him on the couch, and despite the fact that he didn’t move at all, he seemed to relax. He didn’t fight when you reached for his hand, squeezing, and he moved just a little bit closer to you. He set his cup on the coffee table, looking at you and leaning in. For a moment you thought he might kiss you, but he quickly pulled you into a tight hug instead. You held him as he wept, and you leaned your face against his shoulder, shutting your eyes. His body quaked with sobs, chest heaving, and you could feel the warm tears dripping onto your shirt. You gently ran your fingers through his hair, other hand rubbing soft circles on his back. His sweater was fuzzy and unbelievably soft to the touch, and you felt your chest swell with warmth when you thought about how much trouble he had gone to for this. He dressed up, wearing a button down, a sweater, and jeans, and his hair looked impeccable, all different from the other times you had seen him recently. His hands started grasping at your sides, trying to pull you closer, and tightened your hold on him. “Shh, it’s okay,” You whispered. 

“I—I—” he trailed off, 

“Let it out Rafael, it’s alright,” you murmured. He finally started to calm down, sniffling and pulling back, “You alright?” He nodded, accepting the tissues you handled him. He blew his nose, blushing furiously. 

“I haven’t cried like that in weeks,” he whispered, “I really needed that. Thank you,” 

“Anytime,” You whispered. He looked exhausted after that, so you suggested he lay down. He rested his feet in your lap, reluctantly, and he was stiff for a bit before he finally relaxed. You absently strokes his ankle where his pants rode up, fingers brushing over the bone on the side of his ankle. It was far too personal to be platonic, but at the same time it was too innocent to be romantic. You were stuck in this weird grey area and it made you uncomfortable, but you were an adult and you shouldn’t need labels. You told yourself to just enjoy his company, to enjoy whatever happened and not worry about it. Your cat jumped up and decided to make himself comfy in Rafael’s lap. To his credit, he petted the small animal despite the discomfort on his face. “Shoo Percy, he’s not a chair,” you said, brushing him away. “Not an animal guy?” You asked. 

“No, no, I don’t mind pets, the hair isn’t ideal, but that’s what a lint roller is for. It’s just, my stomach is still a little….tender,” he said softly. 

“Oh I’m sorry. He didn’t hurt you did he?” You asked, sitting up.

“No, no, I’m not that fragile,” he said, but there was something tight in his facial expression and you felt guilty. You scooted closer to him, more of his legs resting in your lap. You put a hand on his thigh, checking his face for a bad reaction,

“You sure you’re okay,” You whispered.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry about me,” he said. 

“You’re a bad liar,” you told him with a laugh, starting to ease him up into a sitting position. He laughed softly putting up a soft fight, playfully resisting you. You laughed too and pulled a bit harder, and he suddenly jerked forward, landing practically on top of you with a grunt. “Oh God, I’m sorry,” you said quickly, worrying that you hurt him, but when he lifted his head, he was laughing, and then your faces were perilously close and he wasn’t laughing anymore. His eyes went dark and he swallowed heavily, leaning in until his soft lips were against yours. His strong hands held you steady, and the gentle movement of his lips made you feel dizzy and lightheaded. You felt heated, his body pressed up against yours and your mind felt like a haze—it was just you and Rafael, and you never wanted it to stop.

A crashing sound broke the trance and both you and Rafael breathlessly broke apart. He gulped, sitting up and looked horrified. When you managed to catch your breath and think clearly, you saw that your cat had knocked a few things off the table. Rafael was staring at the wall. Before you could say anything, he was up to his feet and leaving the room, and you were too surprised to do anything. You sat on the couch, shocked and confused for awhile until you decided to clean everything up. You did the dishes and put away the leftover food before turning the tv off. You checked the time, it was about eight and he needed to take his pills. You grabbed them and a glass of water, knocking on the door softly. He didn’t answer. “Rafael,” you called, “It’s eight and you need to take your medicine. I’m just gonna leave it outside the door for you,” You went into your room after that, laying down and reading a book until you fell asleep. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty here’s the next chapter :) let me know what you think guys!

The sun shone through the window, and you rolled over, sighing, the cool sheets feeling comfortable against your skin. You opened your eyes and blinked, seeing the stark green of your alarm clock numbers. You jerked up. It was almost eleven. Getting out of bed, you quickly pulled on a pair of shorts, heading out of the room. The apartment was still dark, so you turned on a light, and went to the kitchen to start breakfast. You got out the bread you bought the day before and your salami and ham, and swiss cheese. You hoped Rafael would like it. It was a little bit of a surprise for him, but you’d never made it before. You got out the eggs, frying them in the pan and then it was almost ready. While you let the sandwiches cook under the press, you poured him some juice and got his pill container out. He must have brought it back to the kitchen at some point during the night. Once everything was ready and on the table, you headed back to his room to see if he was awake. You knocked softly before opening the door. His mother had said not to let him sleep past noon, doctor’s orders (you figured they were worried he was depressed). He was curled up in bed, on his stomach, still out like a light, and if it was your choice, you’d let him stay like that forever. He looked so comfortable. You put a soft hand on his back, “Rafael, it’s Y/N, it’s time to wake up,” you said gently. He didn’t react. You shook him slightly. “Rafael,” you tried again. This time he shifted around drowsily. Sitting on the nightstand was a bottle of sleeping pills which he was allowed to take as needed. You figured he probably took them almost nightly to actually make it through a full eight hours of sleep. You shook him again, and he opened his eyes, smiling softly when he saw your face. “Breakfast is ready on the table,” you whispered. He nodded, rolling onto his back and stretching. You left him alone to get up, and he appeared in the kitchen in a few minutes, rubbing his eyes. 

“Morning,” he said softly, sitting down at the table. You felt awkward and unsure, not wanting to upset him by mentioning the events of the night before, so you didn’t. 

“Good morning, how are you feeling?” You asked. 

“Sleepy,” he admitted, “That stuff knocks me out,” 

“I would have let you sleep, but your mom would kill me,” you told him, and he laughed. He looked down at the food on his plate and he smiled. 

“H-How did you know….” he was shocked, and you smiled. That was the reaction you had been hoping for. 

“I talked to your mother,” you told him, and he laughed again, grinning hugely as he picked up his sandwich. He took a few bites, looking so happy, you almost forgot about the tension from the night before. He finished his food rather quickly and then he started taking his medicine. Afterward, you got him settled on the couch with the remote while you went to finish some paperwork you still had to do. You were knee deep in a stack of papers when you heard his soft laugh, and then a grunt. You got up, heading over to check on him, and you couldn’t help but chuckle when you saw him holding Percy away to keep him off his abdomen. The cat was licking Rafael’s face. You grabbed him, “Leave Rafael alone,” you scolded, and set Percy down. Rafael wiped his face, but he was smiling, 

“Take a break,” he suggested. “I’m watching some stupid house show,” 

“If it’s stupid, why are you watching it?” you asked with a laugh. He shrugged. 

“You run out of stuff to watch when you’re home all day with nothing to do,” he told you, “I learned quickly not to watch Food Network because it just made me want to eat things I couldn’t have,” You sat down beside him, and he shifted away slightly which had you frowning. 

“Rafael--” you started to say, but then his phone was ringing. 

“Hello?” he said softly, “Si Mami, I’m fine. Yes. Yes I took my medicine. No, I ate yogurt for breakfast…..of course I’m being sarcastic. Mami, I’m good. Go out and have fun. Si. Te amo, bye,” He shook his head. 

“Aren’t you so cute with your mom,” you said with a laugh. He glared. “Come on, she’s adorable,” 

“You should’ve seen her when I brought my first girlfriend home. Scrapbooks, naked baby pictures, she’s crazy,” he told you with a smile, “But I love her,” 

“Naked baby pictures, now that’s priceless,” you said, covering your mouth. He flushed red, looking away. You were awkwardly quiet for a little bit, unsure what to say to him. He was fiddling with the remote, clenching his jaw. You kept your eyes on the tv, wanting more than nothing to tell him how much you cared about him, but you were too scared. You were scared you would hurt him, or make him upset. He was surely not in a good mindset to be in a relationship, and you didn’t want to push that. 

“Um,” his voice was soft, and you looked up at him, “I--I know I’m not supposed to know about it, but uh, could you tell me how the Johnson case is going?” You smiled and nodded. Because he wasn’t on the case anymore, he wasn’t supposed to be kept in the loop on details, but you were willing to commit the small indiscretion for him. He had been affected by the case from the start, a young college student who had been raped by one of her teachers. She had been so traumatized, she could barely speak to you without having a panic attack. Rafael had been able to calm her down and take the disclosure himself, and she seemed to trust him more than anyone else for whatever reason. He had been diligently working her case, and you had been right about to go to trial when the both of you were kidnapped. 

“Harvey is about to take it to trial,” you told him, “They had to do a continuance because you were taken off the case, and then the defense filed ten million motions that ended up delaying everything,” 

“They gave it to Harvey,” he said, making a face. You laughed softly, “Sorry,” 

“Don’t apologize, I love the passion,” you told him, laying a hand on his arm. He visibly swallowed, but then he pulled away, “Anyways, uh I think it’s set for trial next week,” 

“Is she doing alright?” he asked, and when you looked into his eyes, you saw deep, genuine concern. A lock of hair fell into his eyes, and he looked so vulnerable. He looked so worried. “Does she know I didn’t just abandon her?”

“I’ll talk with her next time she’s scheduled to come in okay?” you offered trying to make him feel better. He sighed, nodding, and shutting his eyes. 

“The worst part about all of this is I can’t help people,” he whispered, “That’s how I get through the day. I help people,” He covered his face, and then you could see the sparkle of tears flowing once more, “I’m useless,” 

“You’re not useless Rafael,” you whispered, pulling him closer, “Shh, you’re not. You saved me so much pain,” 

He let you pull him into a hug, pressing his face against your shoulder, nodding as you whispered kind words to him. 

…………………………….

You were sitting in the courtroom, next to Liv, waiting for the trial to begin. On your other side was the victim, Laura Johnson, who you promised Rafael you would take care of. He had been quiet the last few days, barely answering your texts, and you didn’t want to push him. The smaller women who sat beside you was shaking nervously as you waited, “Laura, you okay?” you whispered, and she looked down, 

“I--I’m just nervous,” she whispered, and then she looked at you, “Where--What ever happened to Mr. Barba?” she finally asked, and you sighed. 

“He wanted to be here,” you told her, “He feels awful, but uh, something really bad happened to him,” You didn’t want to share details. She looked incredibly worried, 

 

“I-Is he alright?” she asked. 

“Um, as much as can be expected. He’s gonna be out of work for a while,” you explained. She suddenly had tears in her eyes and she started to wipe at them, 

“Can--Could I visit him?” she asked, “He’s helped me so much through this,” 

“I’ll ask him,” you offered, “I’ll let you know,” She nodded her thanks, and then the judge was coming in so you both had to quiet down. You sat there, listening as the lawyers made their opening statements. Immediately you knew why Rafael had made that face about Harvey. He was unsteady and seemed very discombobulated and nervous, and it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park considering the defence lawyer was Calhoun. You definitely wished Rafael could have been the one to prosecute the case. As you were listening the defense’s opening statement, the sound of the door opening sounded out in the courtroom, and then a familiar clicking noise, and you looked behind you to see Rafael limping in, his mother steadying him. Laura froze beside you, her mouth falling open as she saw him. He made his way up, and you scooted over to make room for him. He sat beside Laura, giving her a reassuring smile, and she looked so thankful. Lucia was beside you, and you smiled at her. She looked tense and worried for Rafael, but she did smile back at you. The morning passed quickly with testimony, and Laura was brave up on the stand, and then after what seemed like no time at all, it was lunch break. You stood up, and Rafael eased himself off on the seat, face tight with pain, 

“Oh sweetheart, do you need some pain medicine?” his mother asked, and he shook his head. 

“Rafa,” Liv said warmly, “It’s so nice to see you,” 

“Yeah Barba, how do you feel?” Carisi asked. 

“I’m doing alright guys,” he said, a soft smile on his face, “I miss you all,” 

“You’re certainly missed around here,” Liv said, glaring Harvey’s way. Rafael chuckled. 

“Laura,” You followed Rafael’s gaze to the young college student who looked terrified, “You did amazing up there,” he said softly, “You should be so, so proud of yourself,” She rushed into his arms, and hugged her tight, 

“Mr. Barba, I thought you weren’t coming,” she said softly, 

“Hey now, I told you I’d be in your corner the whole way through,” he whispered, “Now come on, let me buy you some lunch,” he said softly. Your heart melted watching him with her, and it almost physically hurt how much you felt for him. His selflessness and dedication resonated deeply with you. He met your eyes, “Laura, this is my mom, Lucia Barba, why don’t you two go ahead. I’ll catch up in a minute,” he said, coming closer to you. “Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hey,” you said, smiling. 

“How are you?” He asked. 

“Oh alright,” you said, “You?”

“Good as can be expected. Listen,” he shoved his hands in his pockets, “You wanna go to lunch with us? My treat,” You smiled, 

“Sure Raf,” you said, following him toward the door. 

“I’m sorry I've been so quiet recently. It’s not you,” he said softly. You didn’t press him for details. There were just things that neither of you could talk about no matter how much you knew you should. 

“Don’t worry about it,” you finally replied, a soft smile on your face for him. He smiled back, albeit a bit of a sad raise of his lips. “How’s everything feeling right now?” 

“Uh, I’ve got a lot of pain recently, it’s just everything is so tight in my abdomen. I’m hoping they will schedule my damn surgery so I can start the physical therapy. My doctor thinks that will really help,” he explained, “They just don’t know if my body can take more surgery right now. They’re worried about sepsis or multisystem organ failure. I just--I’m done. I’m so tired of all this, and I want them to get it over with,” 

“Just wait a little longer,” you told him softly, “I know you can do it,” you went quiet for a second before adding, “You got through what they did to you, you can do this,” He nodded, eyes teary and wet. He wiped at them, still limping along beside you, leaning heavily on his cane. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, his face screwing up in pain, “It hurts,” You looked at him, worrying about the slight sheen of sweat on his face. He didn’t look very good, his skin as pale as ash, and suddenly he clutched at his stomach, and you steered him over to sit down on a bench,

“It’s gonna be okay Rafael, breathe,” you whispered, but he was doubling over in pain, starting to pant. 

“Ahh, oh God,” he moaned, his voice steadily raising until it was practically a scream. 

“Help!” you called, rubbing soft circles onto his shoulder, “Someone please, he needs help. Someone call 911,” Liv was right down the hallway, and she rushed over to your side.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright here’s the next chapter. I wish it was longer but I’m dead tired and I have school tomorrow. Let me know what you guys think :)

You sat with him, his body slumping over against you as he screamed. Eventually, he just looked dazed, softly moaning and practically curled up into the fetal position on your lap. “S’wrong,” his voice was soft, “Something’s wrong,” he was mumbling. You gently ran a hand through his hair,

“I know Rafael, I know something’s wrong. Someone is coming to help. I’m right here,” you whispered. He whimpered in response, hiding his face, and you didn’t blame him. It wasn’t fair how much he was suffering. By then his mother had realized something was wrong, and she and Laura looped back.

“Oh God, Rafi,” she said, covering her mouth.

“Shhhh,” you murmured to him when he started to cry,

“I don’t wanna die,” he whispered,

“Die? Rafael Barba, who ever said anything about dying? You hang in there,” you scolded him. This was giving you bad flashbacks, Tell my mom it didn’t hurt. You shook your head, trying to clear the images. He grabbed for your hand, squeezing tight,

“The Bus is on the way, try and stay calm Rafa, it’s gonna be alright,” Liv said gently, “Let’s try and get his jacket off, it might help if he has less clothing,” You nodded, trying to ease it off of him. He didn’t want to move though, staying curled up tight.

“Raf,” you whispered, “Rafael, please, I’m just gonna take your jacket off,”

“Y/N,” he groaned, “Hurts,”

“I know, I know Rafael,” you whispered. He let you start to pull the jacket from his arms though, and after some maneuvering, you managed to get it off of him. Laura knelt down in front of you, touching Rafael’s shoulder,

“You’ve got this Mr. Barba. You just gotta be brave for a little longer,” she said softly. He nodded, tears dripping from his cheeks. You rubbed his back while you waited, and then suddenly, thankfully the paramedics were rushing in. They gently eased him onto the stretcher, and he curled back up on his side.

“Sir, you have to lay on your back,” the paramedic said softly, trying to adjust him, but he curled up tighter.

“It hurts,” he sobbed.

“Come on Rafael,” you whispered, “Let them strap you in, you’ll be alright,”

“Come with me,” he whispered, “Please. Don’t leave me alone,”

“You won’t be alone. I promise. I’ll come with,” you told him, “Just let them strap you in,” They eased him onto his back, tightening the straps, and you stood up, holding his hand. You followed along as they wheeled him toward the elevator. You had to let go of his hand to get him in,

“Y/N!” He started to yell,

“Right here, I’m right here,” you were trying so hard to keep him calm, but he was delirious with pain. Once they got him into the ambulance, you sat on the bench beside him and they made you buckle in. The paramedics ripped open his shirt, and you squeezed his hand as they started feeling his abdomen. They pressed in, and he made tiny whimpering noises, until they hit a spot right around his scar and he jerked away, crying out.

“Sorry, Sorry,” the paramedic murmured, “He’s tachycardic, abdominal pain in the right upper quadrant, but his pulse is strong, respirations are strong. Rafael, can you open your mouth for me, I’m gonna take your temperature,” The man slipped the thermometer in Rafael’s mouth, and you squeezed his hand as he shut his eyes. When it beeped, the man looked at it, and then he looked worried, “How long have you been having this pain Rafael?” he asked. The lawyer whimpered again,

“J-Just today,” he whispered, “I-It hurt a little in general recently, but nothing like this,”

“Alright, we’re almost there, I’m gonna start an IV in your arm,” he said, getting supplies together. He was gentle, but Rafael hissed, squeezing your hand tight as he could when the needle was going in. “All done, good job. We’re almost there,” When you were finally at the hospital, it was a dizzying rush, and you found yourself standing in the middle of the ER while they whisked him away for tests. You sat in the waiting room, and it wasn’t long until his mother arrived along with Liv.

“I think they were worried about his temperature,” you said softly, shutting your eyes.

“I knew something was wrong, he’s been in so much pain recently,” Lucia said softly, sounding terrified, “I should have made him go see a doctor, I should have done something,”

“He’s gonna be alright,” Liv said to both of you, “He’ll pull through this,”

“All I can think about is that stupid basement, when we were waiting for the ambulance. He was so scared,” you whispered, standing up, “He just told me that he wanted me to tell you all that it didn’t hurt because he thought he was going to die,”

“Y/N,” Liv said softly, coming closer to you, “Try to breathe, he’s gonna be alright,”

“You don’t know that Liv,” you exploded, “And I--I can’t lose him. Not after everything,” You walked away quickly, tears blurring your vision. You could barely breathe with the panic that was overtaking you. If you lost him, you weren’t sure what you would do with yourself.

…………………………….

“Are you family?” the man asked. You were taken aback, freezing and gulping. Rafael was awake and they were getting ready to take him into surgery, and he was asking for you apparently, but first you needed to actually get into the ICU. “It’s family only ma’am,”

“She is family,” you were startled by the voice of Lucia Barba, who stepped in for you, getting you passed the man who waived you on with a reluctant nod.

“Thank you,” you said softly, and she just smiled at you, ushering you into his hospital room. He was laying in the bed, only clothed in a thin gown, his skin too pale to be normal. He was so sweaty and exhausted. He looked delirious.

“Y/N,” he mumbled, eyes fluttering open.

“I’m right here,” you whispered, sitting beside him, “I’m here,” you had to sniffled and wipe at tears.

“M’scared Y/N,” he whispered, “I need more surgery,”

“You’re gonna do great,” you told him, “And we’ll be waiting for you afterwards,” His doctor came in the room, a smile on his face,

“Rafael is actually in okay shape. It’s serious but fixable. He has a hernia, and I’m worried it’s strangulated, so we’re going to get him to surgery quickly here. As for the previous damage, he looks healed up pretty well, so we’re going to go ahead and reverse the colostomy, and he should be ready for rehab,” he explained. You breathed a sigh of relief,

“You hear that Rafael?” you said softly, “That’s really good news,”

“Good,” he breathed, “Mami?”

“Right here sweetheart,” Lucia said, and he motioned her over.

“Love you. T-Thank you for taking care of me,” he whispered. She stroked his cheek,

“Of course darling, of course,” she murmured, stroking back some sweaty hair, “I love you so much Rafi. Everything is going to be okay,”

“Alright Rafael, it’s time to head down to the OR,” the nurse said, coming into the room.

“Y/N,” he called, “Please come with,”

“Can I just walk down with you guys?” you asked, wanting to appease him. She nodded, and you stood up, holding his hand, “I’m right here. I’ll walk you down there, and me and your mom are gonna be waiting for you when you come out, okay?”

“Kay,” he mumbled. The white hallways that once felt like miles now felt like it took two seconds. Far too short of a time before you were going to have to let him go. You didn’t notice the tears until he spoke, his voice wavering, “I’m scared Y/N,” he whispered, “I’m really scared,”

“I know it’s scary,” you whispered, coming closer, “You’re gonna be fine though,” You squeezed his hand, and he hiccuped, his grip surprisingly tight.

“Promise you’ll be here when I wake up?” he asked softly, and you nodded,

“I promise,” you whispered. You leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead, but he pulled you down, planting his lips on yours. It was barely a brush of your lips and then they were wheeling him away, leaving you standing there, touching the now tingling skin as your stomach fluttered with butterflies.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter is kinda sad, but maybe that’s just me. Let me know what you think guys and thanks for all the support so far!

You felt paralyzed as you sat in the waiting room, wishing that you knew what was going on in the OR. You kept trying to remind yourself that the doctor said his odds were good, that the surgery didn’t carry any extra risk beyond what was normal for opening his entire abdomen up. If it hadn’t been for the extra complication of the hernia, they possibly could have done it laparoscopically, but with everything together, they were going in the old fashioned way. “Y/N, I brought you a coffee,” Liv said as she sat down beside you. “Try and breathe, I know you’re scared,” You nodded numbly, sipping at the warm liquid. 

“He has to be okay,” you whispered, “I can’t believe he…he let them...for me….and now,” 

“This is good though, they’re gonna fix him up, and then he can go to rehab,” she told you, rubbing your shoulder. 

“I still need to talk to him about disclosing,” you said softly, “I don’t want to upset him,” 

“I can talk with him,” Liv offered, “Let’s just give him some time to heal up and feel better,” 

“Okay,” You whispered. When someone sat beside you, you looked over to see Lucia. You smiled weakly at her. 

“I’m sorry about before,” she said softly, “He was just so vulnerable, and I couldn’t let him get hurt anymore,” 

“I understand,” you said softly, “I totally understand, and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt your son,” 

“He cares about you very much,” she told you, and you smiled, feeling tears prick your eyes, 

“I care about him too,” you said shakily, “And I wish more than anything that this had never happened. He got hurt protecting me,” 

“He has a good heart,” she said softly, “He always has. When he was fourteen, he broke his arm protecting me from his father,” 

“You have plenty to be proud of when it comes to him,” you said. The waiting was the worst part, but after what felt like forever, a surgeon came out. He came and sat down in a chair by the three of you, 

“Rafael is out of surgery, and doing well. I can take you back to the recovery room where he’s waking up. He’ll probably stay here another couple of days to recover, and I have a lot to talk with him about concerning home care for the next little while,” he explained, “I’ll walk you guys back there,” Lucia stood up and you followed behind her hesitantly. You weren’t sure if you were actually allowed in there. Nevertheless, you had promised him, so you followed along, and you felt knots in your stomach as you approached the dimmed room. “One at a time, he’s probably going to be confused and hazy,” 

“You go first,” you said softly to Lucia. She smiled, going into the little room. You watched as she talked with him quietly for a few minutes, and then she was quickly walking toward you, 

“He’s asking for you,” she said softly, “I’m going to head home and get a shower. Call if he needs anything,” You nodded, going into the room and over by his bed after exchanging numbers with her. He was blinking sleepily, opening his eyes just barely. 

“Hi,” he whispered, looking at you with a goofy grin on his face. 

“Hi,” you said with a soft smile, “How are you feeling?” 

“Tired,” he mumbled. You sat down on the edge of his bed, “Look--I--we,” he trailed off, “I’m sorry. I’m so tired,” 

“You don’t have to talk, just rest,” you told him, and he reached for your hand. 

“Please don’t leave,” he asked, and you nodded, “I--I just need to close my eyes for a few minutes,” 

“I’m right here, I’m not leaving. Go ahead and close your eyes,” you promised, brushing some hair back from his face. He nodded, letting himself relax, and soon he was asleep again. You sat there, with him, rubbing his arm as he slept. He felt cold, and you pulled his blankets up a little bit, tucking them around him so he could stay comfortable. You hated how pale he looked, and you felt tears starting to drip from your eyes. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, stroking his hand where it rested in your lap, “I’m so sorry Rafael. This is all my fault,” You sniffled, trying to calm down, but you couldn’t help the tears. You felt so damn guilty. “Please pull through this, you have to get better,” you whispered, “I love you,” After a little while, his hand tightened around yours, and you looked down to see him blinking again. “Hey,” you said gently. 

“M’thirsty,” he whispered, “I feel--I feel dizzy,” 

“Alright,” you whispered to him, “We’ll see if you can drink something,” you stood up, going to the door. There was a nurse in the hallway, and you asked about getting him a drink. She promised to bring you ice chips for him to chew on. You returned to your former seat, “They’re gonna bring you some ice chips,” you told him. He nodded tiredly. 

“Thank you,” he said, “Thank you for staying here with me. I--I really appreciate it,” 

“I’m glad to,” you told him, “I’m here for you,” Tears started flowing from his eyes, and his chest started to heave, “Oh Rafael, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” 

“No, no, it’s okay. I--I don’t know why I’m crying,” he replied, “I--I think it’s the anesthesia. It hurts a little bit,” 

“I can ask the nurse about some meds when she comes with your ice,” you told him, squeezing his hand. He couldn’t stop the tears that were flowing from his eyes, so you did all you could to help him. “Laura said she’s gonna come visit you tomorrow if you’re out of the ICU,” 

“T-Tell her I still owe her lunch,” he said shakily. 

“Okay I will. I promise,” you told him. The nurse came in, interrupting your conversation. 

“Hey Rafael,” she said softly, “How are you feeling?” 

“Dizzy,” he whispered, “And I--It hurts,” She nodded, handing you the cup of ice chips, 

“I’ll get you a morphine drip. Once you wake up a little more, we’re gonna move you to the ICU okay?” she said, and he nodded tiredly. 

“Do you need help, or can you eat these ice chips yourself?” you asked him softly. He reddened with embarrassment, “I’m glad to help if you want it Rafael. I don’t think any less of you,” 

“Please,” he finally said softly. You smiled, scooping a few of the chips into his mouth. He sighed contentedly, crunching on them. “More please,” he whispered, so you gave him another spoonful. “My hands are shaking,” he whispered, “I feel cold,” 

“Shhh,” you murmured, pulling the blanket up and tucking it tighter. He shut his eyes again for a few minutes, but then suddenly he was sitting up and hanging over the edge of the bed, throwing up. You ran your fingers through his hair, shushing him as he cried. 

“Ow,” he said softly, “O-Ow, ow that hurt,” 

“You’re alright, just breathe,” you told him, setting the ice chips on a tray. A few nurses came rushing in, having heard the commotion.

“Hey Rafael, are you alright?” the man asked softly, and Rafael nodded, “Do you feel dizzy? Nauseous?”

“Both,” he whispered, “And I’m shaking. I’m cold,” 

“Alright, how much ice did he have?” the nurse asked. 

“Only like two spoonfuls,” you replied. He nodded, feeling Rafael’s pulse and then pulling away the sheets to examine his incisions. Rafael hissed when he touched his stomach, and he squeezed your hand tight. “It’s alright Rafael, it’s almost over,” He whimpered, 

“Ow, ahh, that hurts,” his voice was weak and pained. “Please stop,” 

“Okay, I’m sorry. Stacy will be right back with a morphine drip for you. I think you’re just sick from the anesthesia. We’re gonna hold off on anymore ice or liquid for a half hour and then we’ll try again, okay?” he said gently. Rafael nodded weakly, laying his head back down. 

“Can he have another blanket?” you asked, and the man nodded. You smiled at him reassuringly, and he managed a small smile in return. The nurse brought him another blanket and cleaned up the mess, leaving you alone once again. He looked tired and upset, so you kept quiet for a few minutes, thinking maybe he’d want to go back to sleep, but he swallowed before looking at you again, 

“Can I ask you a question?” he said softly. You didn’t like the tone of his voice, but you weren’t about to deny him. You nodded, and he looked down at his lap for a few seconds, “When we were in the basement, when he made me….rape you, did it hurt?” he asked softly. 

“Rafael, why are you doing this to yourself?” you asked, avoiding the question, You not only didn’t want to talk about it, but you didn’t want to put him through that. He didn’t need to hear about all the intimate details of your thoughts and feelings. 

“Please just answer. I want to know,” he insisted. You looked away for a second before sighing loudly, 

“After I told you it was alright to have sex with me,” you said pointedly with a glare, “It did hurt a little bit. You’re not very small,” you squeezed his hand at that, “But it wasn’t horrible, just uncomfortable,” 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, and you sighed. That was exactly what you didn’t want, “Do you have nightmares about it?” 

“I already told you I have nightmares,” you said softly, once more being evasive. 

“You know what I mean,” he persisted, “Do you have nightmares about me?” You looked at the ceiling, tears filling your eyes. You didn’t want to have this conversation at all. “Y/N, please,” 

“Sometimes,” you finally admitted. You knew he was about to ask another question, so your steeled yourself. He took a few moments to compose himself as he was getting emotional himself. His hands were clenching where he was holding the blanket. You patted his leg comfortingly. 

“A-Are you afraid of me?” he finally whispered, and you felt your heart drop. You looked him right in the eyes, holding his hands, 

“You look at me right now Rafael,” you said softly, “I am not afraid of you one bit. Not at all,” 

“You promise?” he asked, sniffling, his eyes filled with tears. 

“I promise,” you insisted, wiping he stray droplets from his cheeks, “I promise.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here’s the next chapter! Let me know what you think ;) 
> 
> Be patient with me as I try to finish up my finals and final projects this next week and a half especially

Once Rafael successfully kept down a cup of ice chips, they let him try some water which he was more than grateful for. You couldn’t stop him from the downing almost half the glass right away which, of course, made him sick again. The third time was a charm though, and he obediently sipped it from the straw while clicking on his morphine drip half a dozen times. He took another short nap before they finally decided he was well enough to take down to the ICU. You followed them as they pushed his bed. He was half asleep the whole time, but when they got him settled in his room, he woke up a bit and started freaking out because you weren’t there. “Rafael, I’m right here,” you said, coming into the room. “I promised you I wouldn’t leave,”

“I really don’t want to be alone,” he said softly, and you nodded,

“I’m sorry. I’m right here,” you sat down beside him again. He blinked, his eyes full tears and exhaustion. “I’m not leaving you. I’m going to be right here all night okay?”

“Thank you,” he whispered, “Thank you. I can’t do this myself. Where’d my Mom go?”

“She went home to get a shower,” you told him, “She’ll be back I’m sure,”

“Kay,” he mumbled, “I--I’m gonna take a nap. I’m so tired,” You nodded, grabbing a remote, and turning his tv on.

“If you need me, wake me up,” you told him, planning to take a nap yourself. You felt exhausted. You were going to just shut your eyes and take a nap.

“M’Kay,” he whispered, already falling asleep. You took a seat in the chair beside his bed, leaning back and closing your own eyes, the soft sound of the tv lulling you to sleep.

………………………….

_Screaming. His screaming. At the top of his lungs, and you couldn’t shut it out not matter how hard you tried to cover your ears. He was growing hoarse, every noise forced from him. Then each sob was accompanied by hitching breaths and sobs. They were hurting him and you couldn’t stop it. You were stuck, unable to move, claustrophobic and it was torture to hear him in so much pain and to be so damn helpless to do anything. Then within a moment you were free and you just followed the noise to get to him, and then you reached him, crumpled on the ground, unmoving, so silent it was terrifying. You fell to your knees, tapping his face, shaking him, begging him to please wake up, and promising him you’d never let him go if he just came back to you, but he stayed still and unmoving and then you realized he wasn’t breathing. You cradled his lifeless body in your arms, leaning your head down against his, your warm tears dripping onto his cheeks._

You woke up with a start, breathing heavily and sweating. You looked around, swallowing heavily, and you saw the tv was on. Then you saw Rafael sitting up in his bed, watching you carefully, “You okay?” he asked softly, and you could hear it in the inflection of his voice, see it on his face; he thought you were dreaming about him.

“It wasn’t about what you think,” you told him, but he ignored it, still staring at you, “I’m alright Rafael,” You weren’t alright; you felt uneasy, your body was shaking, and you didn’t think you were going to fall asleep again. You stood up shakily, running a hand through your damp hair.

“Come here,” he said softly, and you just looked at him. He looked scared when you didn’t answer, but then he repeated himself, “Come here,” You took a step toward him, and he patted the bed beside himself, shifting over. You didn’t want to hurt him, but being in his arms sounded so nice, so you took a seat on the bed, pulling your legs up with you, and Rafael eased you down beside him, pulling you into a hug, your face pressed against his shoulder. As he started to stroke your hair, you began to sob. “Let it out,” he whispered, “It’s alright,” You couldn’t stop the tears no matter how much you tried, and somehow his strong arms allowed you to cry harder. He held you so close, his hands stroking your back and your hair and you couldn’t stop it. It was impossible. “I’m here, and I’m so sorry I hurt you,” he was starting to cry, his face pressed against your hair. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. You laid like that for a long time, sniffling and crying and he was crying too, but somehow you felt better.

“I know,” you said softly, “I know you’re sorry Rafael, and I forgive you. I forgive you,”

“Thank you,” he sobbed, “Oh God,” You clung to him, and he clung back, neither of you strong enough to carry the burden of your assault by yourselves, but together, you thought you might just have a fighting chance.

When you finally pulled away, he smiled softly at you, but you could see the discomfort on his face. You gently laid your hand on his chest, over his heart, squeezed him just once, and then got up. “Are you alright? Be honest,” you said softly. He didn’t answer for a few moments, but then said,

“Yeah, yeah, just hurts a little bit to put pressure on it,” his voice was soft and strained, “I can’t sleep,” You sat down against beside the bed,

“The morphine isn’t helping?” you asked softly.

“I can’t just pump myself full of it,” he said with a laugh, “It only gives me so much. And it hurts like hell,”

“I’m sorry you’ve had so much pain Rafael,” you said softly. He smiled softly at you,

“It’ll all be over soon. I’ll survive. I always do,” he replied, and you nodded, grabbing for his hand,

“In the meantime, do you want to play some cards maybe?” he nodded at your question, so you found the deck of playing cards you had in your purse and you played a few rounds of poker, laughing at each other and smiling. You played until a nurse came in to check on him, and she frowned,

“Why are you awake? You need to get some rest,” she told him gently.

“I can’t sleep,” he explained, and she looked worried. She felt his pulse, took his temperature and his blood pressure. “How’s your pain right now Mr. Barba?”

“Uh, probably an 8,” he admitted.

“Alright, I’m gonna go speak with the oncall doctor, and we’ll see about upping your medication or getting you something different. You can say something if you’re in pain,” she explained, and he reddened slightly, looking sheepish. When she left, he looked embarrassed, so you smiled at him.

“At least now you can get some sleep maybe,” you said.

“Yeah, I am tired,” he whispered. She returned and got him hooked up to some more medication, and it only took about ten minutes for him to be relaxing into the bed, and looking incredibly drowsy.

“You’re alright Rafael, go to sleep,” you told him softly, squeezing his hand. He nodded, his eyes drifting shut.

“G’night,” he mumbled.

“Good night,” you whispered.

“Love you,” he mumbled and your eyes went wide, but then he was asleep, and you were left sitting there, wondering if he even knew who he was talking to when he said that.

……………………….

You woke up the next morning to commotion. You opened your eyes to find the hospital room full of people. The squad the was there, Rafael’s mother was there, a few colleagues from the DA’s office, and both of you were half asleep. Correction: Rafael was all the way asleep. You blinked a few times, trying to clear the fuzziness from your mind, and when you sat up, you felt dizzy. You realized you had been using something for a pillow, but when you managed to have enough clarity to inspect it, you saw it was Rafael’s hoodie that had been draped over the side of the chair in case he got cold. You blushed slightly. “Mornin’ sleepy head,” Sonny teased.

“What is everyone doing here?” You managed to ask, smoothing out your hair.

“Well, I came to talk to him,” said Liv, “But then everyone wanted to visit and Sonny invited some his friends from the DA’s office,” she sounded exasperated, and you shared the feeling. If he woke up, he was going to freak out at the sheer amount of people in his room.

“I think maybe some of you should leave. How did everyone get in here anyways?” You asked, rubbing your eyes.

“Police badges will get you lots of places,” Sonny said with a laugh.

“Y/N?” Rafael’s sleep drowsy voice startled you. “Y/N,” he opened his eyes and looked confused for a second, “W-Where am I? What’s going on?”

“Shh, you’re okay. You’re still at the hospital. You just have some visitors,” you told him gently. He shut his eyes again,

“I—I can’t—too many people,” he started to say, and you leveled them with a glare that could melt a glacier. Sonny had the decency to look sheepish and he, Amanda, and Fin slipped out of the room along with the other lawyers.

“It’s just you, me, Liv, and your mom Rafael, it’s okay,” you told him softly. When he opened his eyes, tears were streaming down his cheeks,  
  


“I’m sorry, I--I just don’t like when people stare at me,” he said softly, and you sat on the bed beside him once more, well aware of what he was talking about. You could feel Liv’s eyes on you, but you didn’t care.

“No one is staring, it’s alright,” you promised, rubbing his leg over the blanket, “You’re okay now,” He nodded, wiping at his eyes and sniffling.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, sounding like he was ready to burst into tears all over again, “I’m so--I’m so pathetic. I’m sorry,”

“No you’re not,” you murmured, “No one wants people staring at them. It’s okay,”

“I’m sorry we brought so many people in here,” Liv said gently, “Rafa, you shouldn’t feel bad about this,” She came closer, sitting down on his other side. He shut his eyes and tried to pull himself together. He listened to all of you try to comfort him, to tell him he was alright, and then he finally relaxed. He wiped his face. “I came to see how you were feeling,” she said softly.

“They’ve got me all drugged up,” he said softly, “I can barely think coherently. I feel kind of airy,”

“Are you thirsty?” you asked him softly, and he nodded, so you got up to get him a drink. When you returned, he was talking softly with Liv, smiling, laughing, and you got this weird feeling. You brushed it off, trying to ignore it. You hated that he didn’t smile around you like that. Whenever you were together anymore, you were both reminded of your trauma, and you hated that. You wished he could just smile with you, wished he could feel at ease around you. Maybe he was better off with Liv who seemed to make him feel better.

“Thank you,” his voice pulled you from your thoughts, and you handed him the cup. He sipped at the water from the straw, and you could feel his gaze on your face. You smiled tensely, and he frowned.

“Oh Rafi, sweetheart, let’s see if we can get you some of your own clothes,” his mother said softly, “I’m gonna go pick that up for you and maybe a few books and your phone. How does that sound?”

“Good Mami, thank you,” he said softly, hugging her and kissing her cheek, “I’ll see you later,”

“I’ll be back to see you another time Rafa,” Liv said, and he nodded, and then they were both gone and you two were alone once more. You quietly stared down at the blanket on his bed, and he didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Then he reached for your hand, but you pulled it away.

“Hey, are you alright? Did I do something?” he asked softly, his voice cracking, betraying his worry. When you looked at his face, his eyes were wide and worried.

“I--I’m fine. It’s not you. I’m just gonna--I’m gonna go get something to eat in the cafeteria. I’ll be back. Okay?” you said, standing up. He looked worried still, and there was this hurt in his eyes that made you hate yourself.

“Okay,” he replied softly, staring at the sheets. You forced yourself to walk out of the room, fleeing somewhere where you could think.  


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is up SOOOOOO late. I’m sorry lmao. I had some quick first aid to do on my burned hand after work (whoever thought it was smart to let me use the grill should be fired cause that hot oil gave me a nice second degree burn) 
> 
> You guys might hate me briefly but the end of this chapter is good. Also the amount of people who got very scared I was gonna turn this into a Barson fic—your reactions were fantastic. Thank youZ I got a good laugh. Thanks for reading guys! This should hopefully only have a few more chapters but no promises. I get really carried away ha. Let me know what you think! :)

You were avoiding him, and you knew it. You felt awful, but you were struggling emotionally. No matter how much you needed and loved Rafael, you weren’t sure that you were what was best for him or honestly for you in the long run. You were hurting and helping each other equally, and he had other people who could support him. He didn’t need you. He just thought he did. He was clinging to you because you knew, but that didn’t mean that you were what was best for him at the moment. You just continually reminded him of his trauma, reminded him of what he was forced to do. You didn’t want to hurt him anymore, and even if pushing him away would hurt him momentarily, it might be better for him in the long run. One of you had to make the hard decisions, and Rafael was in no shape to be clear headed at the moment. You stood up from the bench you were sitting on, where you were wasting time and trying to make a decision. You went out and got in your car and drove to Starbucks where you ordered him a cup of his favorite coffee, heading back to the hospital. You weren’t sure if he was technically allowed to be drinking coffee, but you knew he wouldn’t care and it would make him happy. You felt so bad, but you wanted to save him the harm that you were causing him even if you fell apart in the process. You couldn’t just abandon him; you needed to make him not want to see you anymore, and you knew just how to do it. 

When you walked back in the room, he was doing something on his phone, but he looked up and smiled when he saw you, still looking worried, “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” you replied softly. You held out the coffee to him, and he smiled broadly,

“You’re a godsend,” he said, taking it and breathing the scent in deeply. He took a sip, making a happy face. 

“Look,” you said softly, sitting down, “I need you to do something for me,” 

“Anything,” he said softly. 

“I need you to tell Liv about what happened,” you told him, and he looked away. His eyes filled with tears, 

“I--I can’t do that Y/N,’ he said softly, “I really can’t,” You hated that look on his face, 

“You have to Rafael, please. You have to do it for me. I can’t sleep at night, and I need you to tell Liv what they did to you,” you insisted. He shook his head, wiping at his tears, 

“It’s unfair for you to ask me that,” he said, his voice low. 

“It’s unfair of you to not do it. After everything,” you shot back, and his head jerked up. He looked at you like you had just torn his heart out and stomped on it. 

“Please Y/N, please don’t make me do this,” he begged, tears streaming down his cheeks, “I--I’m sorry about what I did to you, but--”

“But nothing Rafael. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit here and pretend I’m alright while you won’t just tell her,” you replied dangerously. 

“So that’s it,” he whispered, his jaw clenched, “You’re just using me. I don’t mean anything to you do I? You feel guilty so you hang out with poor Barba to try and get what you want. Just get out,” 

“That is not what I said,” you replied, suddenly feeling hurt that he thought that about you. 

“Just leave,” he repeated, and you turned around and slowly walked out of his room. You felt like you were going to crumble, but you knew it was for the best. Or that was what you kept telling yourself at least. You didn’t feel better at all, and you didn’t think he did either, but now maybe he could get over you, and maybe get over what happened. Not that he probably ever would fully recover. 

…………………………………………..

When you walked into work, Liv was waiting at your desk. You didn’t meet her eyes as you set your things down, but she wasn’t leaving. “Y/N, can I speak with you in my office please?” she asked softly. You followed her in there, taking a seat immediately. “What the hell did you say to him?” She sounded angry.

“No offense Liv, but that’s none of your business,” you replied. 

“No, it is my business when my best friend suddenly calls me up and tells me to arrest him….again, and he won’t talk to anyone at all. Trust me, I’ve tried. The nurses are threatening him with a feeding tube because he won’t eat. He just lays there and cries all day. What did you do?” She said angrily. 

“I pushed him okay,” You said softly, “I pushed him to disclose, and why don’t you just go on in there and comfort him. I’m sure he’d love that,” 

“Y/N,” she said tensely, “Do you think there’s something going on between me and Rafael because I can assure you, we are only friends,” 

“What does it matter anyways. I just make him miserable. When I’m around, all he does is remember what happened. It was better for him,” you told her. 

“Maybe you should let him make that decision,” she told you softly, but you stood up, shaking your head. 

“If this has nothing to do with work, I’m going to go back out there,” you said softly, dismissing yourself. You felt miserable, so guilty you wanted to just lay in bed all day and cry, but you wanted to do what was best for Rafael. He would get over you eventually. 

………………………

You were sitting at your desk doing paperwork when Liv stormed into the precinct, Sonny in tow. Sonny looked haunted, like he was going to be sick, and Liv just looked furious. She slammed a packet of stapled papers down on your desk and then wordlessly went into her office. You were momentarily stunned, but then you looked down and started reading the page it was turned to. 

_ Two of the men took me into the bathroom and forced me under the water. They scrubbed me clean before handcuffing me to a metal pole when the other man who they called James began to force his fingers inside of me. He then put his penis inside me, but he said I wasn’t tight enough, so he unlocked the cuffs and moved me around. James told one of the other men, Brad, that they were both going to rape me at the same time. I begged them to stop.  _

You had to shut your eyes to try and banish the images assaulting your mind.

_ Rafael slumped over, knuckles white as his fingers dug into James’s shoulders. He was pressing so hard, he was going to break the skin. His sweaty hair dangling in his eyes as he sucked in huge heaving breaths, face red and blotchy, stained with tears. His voice was hoarse from all the screaming.  _

You slammed the paper down, quickly turning to another page because you could not deal with the flashbacks. 

_ Brad and Charlie took turns raping me. Detective Y/L/N was not present in the room. After they went at least three times each, Brad held me down and Charlie got a broken piece of a metal pipe.  _ You stopped reading. You felt like you were going to throw up. Sonny sat down at his desk looking shellshocked, and you stood up, wiping your eyes and going to the coffee machine. You poured a cup of coffee, but your hands were shaking so bad you were about to spill it. “He was crying,” Sonny whispered, sounding haunted, “I’ve never seen Barba cry,” 

“Unfortunately I’ve seen him cry quite a bit,” You whispered. 

“I—I had no idea how bad it was,” he whispered, “A-Are you okay?”

“No Sonny, no I’m not okay,” you whispered, sitting down again, “I’m not okay, and Rafael is not okay. I don’t know that we’ll ever be okay again,” 

“He looked better today,” he finally said softly, “They were gonna have him go walk a little bit,” That did make you feel better. You wanted him to be okay, to feel better. You wanted more than anything to rush to his hospital room and tell him how sorry you were, but you still believed that you had made the right decision. He would be better off on his own for now. Your phone was vibrating on your desk and you peeked at it, seeing his name flash across the screen. You ignored the call. You closed the packet of papers, pausing briefly to look at his scribbled signature at the bottom of the page. He had sat there and told Liv what he didn’t want anyone to know, and then he was forced to reread his statement and verify its accuracy, and he did it all for you. Your phone started buzzing again, but it was easy to ignore when Liv came out of her office, 

“Carisi, I need you to get Rafa’s rape kit and take it down to Melinda. I want her to run a familial DNA search, and when you get back I need you to run the MO,” she said, and Sonny nodded, standing up and grabbing his jacket. 

“And me?” you asked. 

“You’re going to wait for me in the interview room. I believe you need to give me your full statement now,” she replied, still sounding angry. You peeked at your phone before going in there. Two text messages.

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ Please talk to me.  _

……………………………………..

Rafael was stubborn, and you knew that in theory before, but it was never more apparent to you than when he kept calling you. It was like that was all he did with his time. You were pretty sure you had at least ten missed calls from him in the last three hours. You were laying in bed, in the dark, feeling depressed and upset, but you rolled over to look at your phone anyways. Four voicemails and a text. He called again, and you were tired of the vibrating. You accepted the call, 

“Hello?” you asked. 

“Y/N?” his voice sounded watery and scared. 

“Rafael, please stop calling me,” you said softly. 

“I just want to talk, please, I need to talk to you,” he begged. 

“Not right now Rafael,” you insisted, hanging up, but then within five minutes your phone was ringing again. You let out a tortured sigh, turning the ringer off and letting yourself fall asleep. 

When you woke up, you felt a little better, but you decided to take a quick shower to try and refresh yourself. After you finished, while you toweled off, you checked your phone once more to find a singular voicemail. You hesitantly opened it, listening as you toweled your hair dry. “I know you asked me to stop calling you, and I’m sorry, but I can’t leave things the way they are. After this I’ll leave you alone. God knows I’ve caused you enough pain. I told myself there wouldn’t ever be anything between us, not after what I did. I thought you’d never be able to look at me without remembering how I hurt you, but I’ve come so close to losing everything. I almost died twice now, and I can’t wait to say this anymore no matter how much it scares me. I love you. I want to make this right, please,” his voice sounded shaky and hesitant, but it left you reeling all the same. You had to sit down and catch your breath. He loved you. The words you’d been wanting to hear forever. You weren’t sure how to feel or react now that it was reality. You wanted to rush to him, to tell him your loved him too, to kiss him and hold him and take all his pain away, but you found yourself frozen. What had you done? You had way overreacted to what happened with Liv, and you were sure you had hurt him. Now he was blaming himself for your awfulness. You had been trying to provoke him, acting like a child instead of talking to him like an adult. You were just so scared of hurting him that you tried desperately to push him away long before any damage could be done. You stood up, grabbing your jacket. You had to fix this. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the well wishes about my hand! Thankfully I got some burn cream on it quickly, so it seems to have minimized the damage. It still hurts like hell, but it would be so much worse. 
> 
> Idk why I thought it was a good idea to stay up and right this as I have an early day tomorrow and then my birthday party and dinner so this was honestly an awful idea. I’m really tired and lost my train of thought a bunch, so I hope this chapter isn’t horrible lmao. Thanks for reading guys and let me know what you think! ;)

As you stood outside his hospital room, you hated yourself. You felt so guilty. You weren’t sure how he’d ever want to even talk to you again, but you had to try, so you knocked on the door. His soft voice invited you inside, and when you opened it, he was laying in his hospital bed, a book in his lap as he wiped his eyes. He didn’t look up at first or say anything, so you took a step into the room. He kept his gaze down, his voice wavering and little more than a whisper when he did speak, “My pain is fine, and I don’t want anything to eat,” 

“I’m glad your pain is good, and unfortunately I didn’t bring any food along,” you said softly, hoping to make him laugh. His eyes flew to your face, and his mouth started to fall open, 

“Y/N?” His voice was cracked and soft, “Please tell me this isn’t some sort of morphine fever dream,” 

“No I’m here, and I think I owe you a massive apology. We need to talk,” you said softly, “Can I—can I come in?” 

“Yeah, yeah, come over here,” he said, his voice not even close to steady. You sat down on the edge of the bed beside him, 

“How do you feel?” You asked softly. He shrugged, and now that you were closer, you could see the dark bags under his eyes. He looked exhausted and upset. 

“I’ve been better,” he replied. There was a brief awkward silence, but you powered forward because you knew you needed to get this out of the way. 

“I—I acted horrifically,” you said softly. He didn’t say anything, “I--I’ve had feelings for you for a long time Rafael, but I couldn’t tell if you felt the same way, and I was too scared to say anything that might jeopardize our work relationship. After everything we’ve been through together, I just didn’t think that we had a chance, and I saw you laughing with Liv, and it’s stupid, but I wished you could be that happy with me, but I just remind you of being kidnapped,” you said softly. He looked up at you finally, his green eyes sparkling with tears and worry.

“Never think that,” he whispered, a shaking hand coming up to stroke your arm, “You make me incredibly happy,” 

“I was trying to push you away,” you admitted, “And I’m so, so sorry. I understand if you’re upset with me,” 

“I’m not upset with you. I was just hurt,” he whispered, “And confused. Terrified that I’d done something wrong. You were right, you deserve closure, and I was holding you back from that,” 

“We’re both terrible at this,” you whispered, “Me especially,” He laughed softly, nodding in agreement. You scooted closer to him on the bed, and he hesitantly wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer. 

“Do you think this could work?” he asked softly, “You and me?” 

“I don’t know Rafael. All I do know is that I care about you so much,” you whispered, looping your arm around his back. He was so much broader than he actually looked. He leaned his head against your shoulder, and you smiled, resting your cheek against him. It felt nice to let your inhibitions go and just be there with him. 

“Fuck it all. I just want to stop worrying about everything,” he whispered, shutting his eyes. You squeezed him tighter. Tears began rolling down his cheeks, and you weren’t entirely sure why he was crying, but you were determined to be there for him. He sniffled, pressing his wet face into your shirt. He gulped in a few breaths, distressed noises making their way from deep in his chest. “I’m so tired of it,” 

“I know,” you whispered, “I know,” 

“Carisi looked horrified when I was talking to them,” he whispered eventually after he’d calmed down, “I thought you had told them, but he looked absolutely shocked,” 

“Liv knew a little bit,” you told him, “But I was waiting for you to be ready. I didn’t want to violate your trust,”

He snorted, “I’ve been violated plenty. What’s one more thing,” You lifted your hand to stroke his hair, but you hesitated, unsure of how he might react. After a moment’s thought, you proceeded anyways, and he leaned into your comforting touch. He sighed contentedly, snuggling up and starting to drift. You were starting to feel tired as well, so you shut your eyes and breathed in the smell of his cologne. His mother must have brought him things from home. Your last waking thoughts were of how good his expensive and woodsy cologne smelled. 

…………………….

You were sprawled out on Rafael’s bed on your stomach, picking at some popcorn as you watched a movie. Rafael was lounging back against the pillows, breathing in soft gasps. His pain had been bad since he got home from the hospital. Things were still weird between the two of you, tentative and unsure. It was almost the same as before, and neither of you really knew what it was that you had going on. Neither of you really cared either. You just spent a lot of time together, mostly you visiting with him in his hospital room while he was waiting to go home, and the past few days had been spent in his room after work, talking, watching tv. “Why did you disclose?” You asked out of nowhere. It had been bothering you for awhile. He had been so angry with you before. His hand on your ankle made you tense up, but his touch was soft, fingers ghosting over the bones of your ankle. 

“You asked me to,” he said softly, “I felt guilty, and I didn’t want you to be hurting any more. I overreacted when we talked,” 

“I read part of the file,” you admitted. He didn’t respond to that. He started running his fingers over the sole of your foot to your heel, and you shivered at the sensations. You started to tense up, trying not to laugh, and he noticed, 

“Are you ticklish Y/N?” he asked, grinning like the cheshire cat. 

“Don’t you dare you smug asshole,” you said, and he laughed, moving up with great effort to dig his fingers into your sides. You thrashed around, giggling and trying not to accidentally kick him. “Oh I hate you, get off,” you said, still laughing. He let you go, mostly because he was breathing heavily, and he should have been resting anyways. He flopped back against his mountain of pillows again, shutting his eyes. He looked tired. You moved up to sit beside him, leaning against him, and he smiled and wrapped an arm around you. You gently started rubbing your hand up and down his thigh, trying to soothe his pain, to comfort him. He was worried about overusing his pain medicine, so like the stubborn person he was, he would refuse to take them every couple hours and try to deal with it all on his own. You gently ran your fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, nails grazing over his skin. “Can I please get you some medicine?” you asked softly, and he shook his head. 

“I’m fine,” he whispered. 

“Rafael--” you started to say, but he interjected, 

“I said I’m fine,” he insisted, snapping. You rubbed his leg some more because if he wouldn’t let you get him pills, you would do whatever else you could for him. He leaned into you, and your fingers ghosted over his skin, dipping under his ratty shorts just barely. His thighs were solid, stronger than you expected, usually hidden under dress pants. His eyes fluttered shut as you continued to try and comfort him. It was largely accidental when your hand brushed his growing arousal, but he let out a breathy groan, his eyes flying open as he scrambled for a pillow. A knock on the door interrupted the sudden tension. You felt terrified that he was upset with you or that you’d accidently pushed him too far. You weren’t even trying to turn it into something sexual. “Come in Mom,” he said, still blushing softly, holding the pillow in his lap. Lucia brought him in a pile of clean clothes, 

“Are you hungry sweetheart?” she asked softly, “I can make you some lunch,” 

“Sure Mom,” he whispered. He hadn’t been eating much, so you knew it was more for your comfort that he was going to have something. Lucia began to put away his clothes, but he sighed, shakily getting to his feet, “I’ve got it,” he said softly, taking the pile from her arms. You stood up to try and help him, but he shot you a dirty look, so you sat down again. He was wobbling on his feet, but he stubbornly did it himself. When he finished, he collapsed back onto the bed, breathing hard, so you rubbed his back and waited for him to recover. 

“Look, I’m sorry about--” 

“Don’t mention it,” he interrupted, so you dropped it, but you still felt worried. You wished it hadn’t happened, but there was nothing you could do about it now, and he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

“Are you sure you won’t take an a pill?” you prodded, and he shook his head. “Rafael, you’ll be alright, please,” 

“Fine, okay,” he finally relented, and you smiled, going to get his pill bottle and some water. Lucia was in the kitchen making sandwiches. 

“I’m glad you two made up,” she said softly, “He’s much happier when you’re around,” 

“I’m glad we made up too,” you whispered, “It was my fault. Everything has been hard since it happened,” 

“He won’t talk to me about it,” she told you, “I just want to be here for him, but he won’t let me help. He’s trying to protect me as always,” 

“Trust me, you’re better off not knowing,” you told her, and she smiled tensely, 

“I probably am, but he isn’t. As always my boy wants to try and carry the whole wide world on his shoulders. I wonder when he’ll realize that sometimes it’s time for other people to carry the burden too,” she replied. 

“Oh trust me, I tried to stop him, but he’s got a death wish I think,” you joked. Lucia smiled at you, 

“I’m just glad someone can make him smile,” she whispered, following you toward him room with two plates and a tray with all the sandwiches she made. Rafael made a face when you came in together. 

“Oh God, you’re gonna make me eat all of those won’t you?” he whispered, “I should have known you two would collude against me,” 

“Collusion, Rafael, what kind of conspiracy do you think this is?” you said with a laugh. 

“One where I have to eat all those sandwiches,” he grumbled. You couldn’t stop the grin from spreading on your face. You sat down beside him, handing over the pain meds and the water, and he dutifully took his pills and then bitterly picked a sandwich up, taking a bite. You lightly smacked him in the bicep, 

“Thank your Mother for making you lunch,” you scolded, and he glared. 

“Gracias Mami,” he finally said, giving her a real smile. As you leaned back beside him on the bed, taking one of the sandwiches and listening to him tell you a story, you realized you could get used to this.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than I’d like but I had a shit day so it’s what I’ve got for you. Thanks for reading guys :) let me know what you think

You were half asleep when your phone started exploding on your nightstand. You laid there, dazed for a minute before you opened your eyes and dragged yourself over to face your alarm clock. It was two in the morning, and you were exhausted. You considered ignoring the call, but when you caught sight of Rafael’s face appearing on the screen, you snatched it up, feeling worried. “Hello?” you answered, and you were met by the sound of hitching sobs, 

“Please come over,” his voice was small and soft. 

 

“I’ll be right there, it’s alright,” you promised him, “Give me fifteen minutes,” You threw on some clothes and rushed down to your car. You were speeding down the street, but then you finally got there and it was raining and you forgot an umbrella, but you didn’t care. You stood on the porch in the rain until he answered the door, looking far less than okay. He was wrapped up in a blanket, his face stained with tears. He wordlessly stepped aside, letting you in, and you followed him to the couch. He sat silently, legs curled under him for a few moments before he looked at you, and started to sob again. You pulled him close and held him tight, “I know,” you whispered, and he just pressed his face tighter, breath hitching. “Breathe Rafael, breathe,” 

“I--I can’t,” he whispered, sniffling. 

“Shhhh, shhh,” you murmured against his ear, rocking him back and forth as your fingers dragged through the the thick locks on the back of his head. His cries sounded breathless now, rough noises tearing their way from his throat. “Rafael, try to calm down,” 

“I am trying,” he snapped, hands digging into your back, 

“I know, I understand,” you soothed. He finally started to calm down a little bit, and you felt better about that. Once he wasn’t crying so much, he started wiping his eyes, and sitting back against the couch. You didn’t say anything until he finally looked up and met your eyes, 

“Thank you for coming,” he said softly, “I--I’m sorry I called you in the middle of the night,” 

“Shh, no problem. What happened?” you asked softly, reaching up and smoothing some hair out of his face. He jerked back violently, “Sorry, sorry,” you whispered, holding your hands up. 

“No--No, I--I’m just jumpy. I’m sorry,” he said. He scrubbed at his eyes again, “Oh God, I think I’m gonna be sick,” he whispered. You rubbed his back gently, but he shot up to his feet, leaning on the cane that you hadn’t seen before as he limped toward the bathroom. You helped him make his way down the hall, easing his arm over your shoulders so you could support him. He clung to the toilet, gagging and throwing up while you gently scratched his back.

“Shhh, I know, you’re alright,” you whispered. He finally collapsed back against the wall, slumping down and looking pale and ashen. 

“He was t-touching me, touching my fucking hair,” he mumbled, his hands going up to cradle his head, “He was on top of me, inside of me, his hands, oh god,” he slid down onto his side, pulling his knees up to his chest, his face pressed against the cool tile. “And then Brad and Charlie…..” he paused, sobbing again, “T--There was a pipe--I begged them not to,” You felt tears pricking your own eyes, and scooted closer to him, stroking his hair, and trying to calm him down again. Nightmares were the worst. You knew just how bad they could actually be, replaying the trauma over and over and over again. Amplifying the worst parts, beating at your psyche until you broke. He was breaking. 

“It was just a dream Rafael, that’s over. You are safe now, and I’m here with you,” you promised, trying to push him back from the precipice. 

“I’m never gonna be safe again,” he sullenly replied, “They’ll always be there, beating me, raping me,” 

“It will get easier,” you whispered, but you weren’t sure how much you even believed that yourself. “Can you stand?” you asked, and he nodded. With a little help from you, he managed to get up to his feet, and he followed you to the couch again. He sat there for a few minutes, and you went into the kitchen to make him some tea. He sipped at the warm liquid, still huddled up in his blanket. “Where’s your Mom?” 

“Sleeping. Look I--I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. I just--I freaked out, and I didn’t want to wake her up,” he was babbling now, and you put a hand on his wrist, trying to calm him down. He looked up at you, and judging from the look on his face, it was the first time he really took in what you looked like. You were all wet, rain soaking through your clothes. Your hair was practically plastered to your head. “Oh my God, you must be freezing,” he said, setting his mug down, “How long did you stand out there in the rain?” He was dragging you back toward his room. 

“Not that long Rafael, slow down, it’s not that big of a deal,” you said, but he wasn’t listening as usual. He sat you down on his bed, laboring over to his dresser and digging through the drawers for something. He swore a few times before tossing a pair of plaid boxers onto the bed. Then he limped to his closet and yanked out a grey Harvard crewneck sweatshirt that looked soft. 

“Take those off, you’ll catch a cold,” he said, sitting down on the bed to catch his breath, “I would get you some sweat pants or something, but most of them are dirty and I don’t think they’d fit anyways,” 

“Rafael, really--this is unnecessary,” you started to say , but he interjected almost immediately, 

“I’d really feel better,” he said softly, “I--I’m just gonna go get you something warm to eat or drink, you can change in here,” Once he left the room, you started to ease your wet shirt off, dropping it, along with your bra into a pile on the floor. Next went your pants and underwear and then you were slipping into his blue checkered boxers and his soft sweatshirt that smelled faintly of his cologne. You felt so much warmer and so secure. When you turned around, he was at the door, blushing and turned away. You hadn’t even heard him come back. 

“I’m done,” you said softly, and he turned to face you, handing over a mug that had some sort of soup in it. He wordlessly picked your clothes up from the floor, 

“I’m just gonna toss these in the drier, I’ll be right back okay,” he said softly, and you nodded. You pulled your hair up into a bun to get it out of your face before starting to pick at the soup. It tasted really, really good, and you felt so cozy in his bed. When he came back, he sat on the edge of the bed, “I’m sorry I called. You were probably asleep,” 

“Rafael, I promise. It’s no problem,” you told him, “I’m just glad you are feeling a little better,” He didn’t say much about that, but he turned on Netflix, tossing you the remote as he settled on the bed beside you. He made a face when you turned on the Walking Dead, but he didn’t complain, and you didn’t care. If he didn’t want to watch what you picked, he shouldn’t have given you the remote. He shifted around on the bed, and you leaned back against the pillows, settling into watch. You didn’t even notice he was shifting closer to you until he rested his head on your stomach. “Can I touch your hair?” you asked softly, not wanting to elicit a panic like you had before. He nodded softly, and you threaded your fingers through his hair, nails gently running over his scalp. He sighed contentedly, and you smiled as he cuddled closer. Your phone started ringing, and you grabbed it from where you’d haphazardly thrown it earlier. It was baby pictures from your sister and it apparently peaked Rafael’s attention. He lifted his head to look at your phone and watched as you scrolled through the pictures, “My sister’s newborn,” you explained, and he smiled. 

“You have a sister? I didn’t know that,” he commented. 

“Yeah, she’s a bit older than me. Mom’s been asking when I’ll settle down and have kids,” you grumbled. He laughed a little bit, 

“You want kids?” his question was soft, and you nodded. 

“Eventually. I’d like two or three,” you whispered, “You?” He shrugged, 

“Never had someone to imagine it with,” he admitted. That made you sad. He sounded incredibly lonely, but it didn’t surprise you. He was always kind of a loner, his prickly exterior pushing people away. He softened up considerably though if you didn’t react. “I like kids though,” he said. 

“Maybe I can bring Logan here to visit sometime,” you said, and he smiled genuinely. 

“I’d like that,” he whispered, flopping onto his back. He looked tired. “My cousin had a baby a couple years ago. I just don’t see my family that much. It’s mostly just me and my Mom since my Abuelita died,” You squeezed his arm comfortingly. “I still can’t tell my mom about it,”

“Give yourself time,” you whispered, “You have a lot to sort through,” 

“She wants to help me so badly, and I wish I could let myself talk to her, but I just can’t,” he told you, “That’s all she’ll ever think about when she looks at me,” 

“It might be a weight off your shoulders if you talk about it with someone. It doesn’t have to be her,” you suggested. 

“Liv wants me to see her therapist,” he mumbled. 

“Liv is angry with me about what happened before,” you told him, and he laughed, his eyes falling shut. 

“She’s overprotective,” he whispered, “I can talk to her,” He was quiet for awhile before his sleepy voice broke the silence once more, “Are you talking to anyone?” the question was hesitant. 

“Not really,” you admitted. He didn’t comment which you appreciated. He seemed exhausted, so it didn’t surprise you when he drifted off in the middle of the next episode. You turned the tv off, and the lights, considering leaving, but you were tired, and his bed was so warm, so you climbed under the covers, shutting your eyes and letting yourself drift off. 

…………………………………

When you woke up, it was still dark out, and Rafael was pressed against you, his breathing hot on your neck. You never would have pegged him for a cuddler, but everytime the two of you fell asleep even in the same vicinity, by the morning, he was glued to you. He was warm too, his body hot like molten lava, and it felt nice to be in the soft bed, your head fuzzy as your body was enveloped by his body warmth. You shifted around to grab your phone. You needed to call off work. There was no way you were getting out of bed. Rafael mumbled a few protests, and you shushed him, dialing Liv up. He tightened his hold when you tried to sit up, so you attempted to pry him off with one hand, but he was strong. Eventually you gave up. Liv kept the call short which you appreciated. Afterwards, you snuggled back down onto the bed, burrowing under the covers and into his arms, content to sleep the day away in his company.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter :) let me know what you think

When you woke up the second time that day, he was still out like a light, but you could feel his morning wood pressing up against your back. He had a tight grip around your waist, keeping your body pinned to his. It was stupid, but being stuck in place, pressed right up against his erection was giving you anxiety through no fault of his own. You shifted around slightly, trying to wiggle out of his arms, but he wasn’t planning on letting go anytime soon. “Rafael,” you whispered, tapping his arm lightly, “Rafael,” He shifted around behind you, and for a second, you thought he might be waking up, but he settled right back in. You used the small amount of space you had to shift around, “Rafael, hey,” that time his eyes fluttered open, and he breathed softly, 

“Morning,” he mumbled against your neck, 

“Can you let go of me?” You asked softly, “I’m gonna go pee,” You didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make a perfectly normal situation awkward or embarrassing for him, so he let go and you crawled out of the bed. In the bathroom, you managed to calm yourself down, and then you headed back to his bedroom, slipping back under the covers. He slid closer, and you tensed up. 

“You okay?” He whispered, sounding suddenly more awake.

“It’s stupid,” you whispered, hiding your face. Oh really didn’t want to make him feel bad, but he was persistent as always and he propped his head up, looking down at you, worry in his eyes, 

“What's wrong?” He whispered, “It’s not stupid if it bothers you,” You sighed, looking into his green eyes and hating yourself. “Y/N, please tell me,” 

“I—I just. It’s not your fault,” you said softly, covering your eyes, “I don’t mind the cuddling, and it’s not your fault, but uh, you had morning wood, and I just felt a little claustrophobic,” 

“Oh,” his voice broke your heart, “I’m sorry,” 

“No, don’t apologize. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything,” you told him gently, “It’s not your fault,” He rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, 

“I hate that I hurt you,” He whispered, “I hate that forever, you’ll have that with you,” You didn’t know how to reply because what he said was the truth. 

“I hate that they made you do that. They just wanted to break you,” you told him softly. 

“Please don’t ever be afraid to tell me if I make you uncomfortable. I never want to hurt you again,” he whispered, clenching his fists. “I can’t do that to you,” You gently pried his hand open, sliding your fingers between his and rolling over to rest your cheek against his shoulder. 

“I promise I’ll be honest with you,” you said softly, and he smiled, “But only if you’re honest with me,” 

“Of course,” he whispered. You laid there quietly for a while until there was a knock on the door, and he practically jumped out of his skin. He only had a moment to sit up before his mother was opening the door. She didn’t even look phased to see you in his bed. 

“Hi Y/N,” she said softly, “Rafael, you have a therapy appointment in two hours. You need to eat breakfast and take your pills, and you need a shower,” 

“Hello to you too Mother,” he said dryly from where he was laying, “Are you trying to tell me I smell bad?” She rolled her eyes, and you had to laugh. She handed you a pile of laundry, 

“I folded your clothes,” she said softly. 

“Thank you Lucia, you didn’t have to do that,” you said, smiling, but she just grinned at you before leaving. You set the clothes down on the bed, getting up and then helping Rafael up to his feet. “I’m gonna get out of your hair,” you said softly, starting to grab your things,

“No, no, come on. I’m sure my mom made you breakfast,” he said softly, “You don’t have to leave,” 

“I don’t want to intrude,” you said, but he was insistent as always, 

“You aren’t. Come on,” he gave you a disarming smile, so you sighed and followed him out to the kitchen. He gave you a look that screamed ‘I told you so’ when you saw the plate that was waiting for you at the table. There was a lot of fruit, eggs, some toast, and bacon. He took a seat beside you, and started eating almost right away. He took a sip from his coffee cup before looking at you and raising his eyebrows, “Aren’t you gonna eat?” You shook your head at him, but he just laughed. You started eating the fruit, and you took a sip of the coffee and made a face. Rafael laughed again, “Never had café con leche before?” he asked, 

“Damn that’s strong,” you said shaking your head. 

“I think you mean delicious,” he corrected. You laughed softly, and then you finished eating. Rafael took a few minutes to swallow down his various medications. He pushed himself up with a grunt, “You can hang out in my room or on the couch if you want,” he said softly, “I’m just gonna take a quick shower,” 

“Alright,” you said softly. You headed back to his bedroom, laying down again. When he reappeared, his hair was wet and he was only in a pair of boxers. He pulled on some gym shorts and a tee shirt, “Are you going to the gym?” you asked softly. 

“I’m going to Physical Therapy,” he sighed, “And it’s gonna suck,” 

“You want me to go and wait for you there?” you asked, “I’m not doing anything today, so I don’t mind,” 

“No, no, that’s alright. You can go home if you want,” he said, and you wondered what had changed. He was suddenly sounding dismissive, like he didn’t want to be a burden, and you knew how that felt. 

_ “Y/N, are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” your mother asked softly, but you shook your head,  _

_ “No Mom, you can go home,” you whispered, forcing yourself to push her away. She had already been taking care of you for weeks. You wanted her to get back to her own life.  _

“I’d like to go with you if you’ll let me,” you said softly, and he turned around, looking at you like he was shocked, 

“A-Are you sure?” he asked, “You really don’t have to,” 

“I want to Rafael,” you repeated, so he nodded softly, turning away once more and feigning like he was doing his hair, but you knew he was choking up. You quietly got up to your feet, going over to where he was standing, rubbing a few soft circles on his back, “You aren’t putting me out. I enjoy spending time with you,” He turned suddenly and pulled you into a hug, shaking softly with silent tears, 

“I enjoy spending time with  you too,” he whispered, “Thank you,” 

“You don’t have to thank me,” you replied, “I promise,” He stood there, clinging to you for awhile, but you didn’t mind. You held him close, and he pressed his face against your neck, breathing in deeply.

“I like your perfume,” he whispered, and you smiled, 

“Well I like your cologne,” you replied, and he laughed softly, 

“When you were holding me, after everything, I just--all I could think about was how good you smelled. I think my brain was short circuiting or something, trying to cope,” he said softly. 

“I don’t think I smelled that good,” you said with a laugh, “We were in that basement for a long time,” 

“You didn’t even get a shower,” he joked. You laughed softly. “You uh, you wouldn’t mind driving would you?” he asked softly.

“Of course I’ll drive. Let me just get my stuff and we can swing by my apartment, so I can get dressed,” you whispered. 

“You don’t wanna go like that?” he teased, and you snorted. You stepped away, picking up your clothes and slipping back into your pants. He followed you slowly out of the room, “Mom!” he called, “Mami!” She came rushing out of the kitchen,

“What’s wrong? What happened?” she looked harried and panicked, 

“Nothing, nothing, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just going to tell you Y/N is gonna drive me to my PT, so I’ll be back afterwards,” he explained. 

“Oh, okay darling. What do you want for lunch?” she asked, and he shrugged. “How about I make you some lechon?” He smiled and nodded almost eagerly which made you laugh softly. He followed you out the door and to your car after you helped him tie his shoes. He was moving slowly, but he looked less wobbly. He settled down in the front seat and buckled in while you got the car started.

“Where are we headed?” you asked

“5th Ave,” he said, and you started driving toward your own apartment, and then there. He looked sullen when he went in, and you followed him, a hand on his lower back. The longer you sat in the waiting room, the more he was shaking, and then you were worried about him, 

“Are you alright Rafael?” you asked, patting his knee. 

“I just know this is gonna hurt,” he breathed. He was clenching his cane, but then a young man came over, 

“Good Morning Rafael,” he said kindly, a huge smile on his face. He sounded disgustingly chipper. “How you are feeling this morning buddy?” Rafael scowled, especially when he was called ‘buddy.’ He sighed dramatically, standing up with great effort, 

“Tired, sore,” he whispered. 

“Come on, you don’t need that,” the young man said, grabbing for the cane. Rafael tensed up again, his arm curling protectively over his abdomen as he stumbled forward, barely keeping his balance. He peaked back at you, and you shot him a comforting smile, 

“You’ve got this Raf,” you said softly, “I’m right out here if you need anything,” You looked through emails while you waited for him, and it was a long appointment, but you didn’t mind. When he came back, he was leaning even heavier on his cane, looking exhausted. “You okay?” 

“I should sue them into the fucking ground,” he grumbled, “I always feel worse when I’m leaving then when I showed up,” You shook your head at him, laughing softly, “I have to take care of the insurance quick,” He gasped softly as he made his way over to the glass window, leaning on the counter. He looked stressed out and agitated as he spoke with the receptionist. Eventually he finished up, shaking his head, 

“Everything alright?” you asked, but he just shook his head, 

“It’s nothing. It will be fine,” he whispered, “I just want to go home,” 

“Alright, let’s get you in the car then,” you said and he smiled at you, albeit shallowly. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how I managed this tonight but I did....it’s definitely bed time. Enjoy and let me know what you think! :)

You were sitting at your desk, writing up the papers for your latest collar. You were successfully ignoring the ache in your arm that likely needed addressing. You didn’t want to go to the doctor. Too many painful memories from the last time you’d been there. You signed the paper, setting it in the finished pile and sighing as you began to write this son the next page. You felt shadows looming over you, people watching you, but it wasn’t until the sound of a throat being cleared startled you that you realized Liv and Sonny were standing by your desk. “Sorry Y/N,” Sonny said softly, and at first you weren’t sure what he was talking about, but then you looked at Liv’s face and sighed.

“I’m fine really,” you tried to argue, but she wasn’t looking like she was going to entertain your thoughts on the matter.

“Carisi said you got in a scuffle with the perp,” she said, and you nodded, “And he bent your arm?” You sighed, but nodded again, “Y/N, you should go to the hospital,”

“No, Liv, I’m fine, really,” you said again. She sat down beside your desk,

“I know things have been tense between us lately, and I’m sorry. Right now, I want you to think about your health though,” she told you softly, “I’m going to have to send you home. I don’t want to see you back here without a note from a doctor clearing you,”

“Liv, that’s not fair,” you said, standing up. She held her hand out, and you sighed, handing over your gun and your badge. You started collecting your things angrily when your phone lit up beside you. Rafael’s name appearing on the screen made you smile. You opened up the text.

_This remind you of anyone?_

It was a picture of him next to a birthday card with an angry look cat on it. Rafael was making a faux grumpy face, and you couldn’t help but laugh. He knew you were having a bad day. Not even the details, but he still tried to help all the same. He was so selfless, always working hard to try and cheer you up or make you happy even if it inconvenienced him.

_Only when Carisi is around._

Your response was quick, and you were sure he’d get a good laugh out of it. As you were walking out the door, your phone buzzed with another message.

_Are you coming over tonight? I’m making dinner._

You waited until you were in your car to answer that one.

Considering Liv just sent me home, I have nothing else to do for the next couple of days.

You replied before tucking your phone away. You drove home, packing a bag of clothes in case you decided to stay overnight again, and you took a shower to get the mud off. When you got out, there were three text messages waiting for you, worrying and wondering why you were sent home and what time you’d be over. You just texted back that you’d tell him in person, and you were about to leave. You drove to his house, knocking on the door, and Lucia answered, letting you in. You found him sitting on the couch, watching a movie and resting. “Hey you,” you said softly, and he turned, grinning,

“Hey Y/N,” his voice was soft. You took a seat beside him,

“How do you feel?” you asked, and he shrugged. You watched tv for a few minutes before he brought it up,

“So…” he said softly, “Did Liv send you home cause you broke my fragile heart a few weeks ago?” You laughed at his joke, shaking your head at him. He always somehow knew what to say to make you laugh or feel even just a little bit better.

“It’s really nothing Rafael,” you said softly, “I just hurt my arm a little bit. She’s overreacting,” He got this worried look on his face, shifting around so he could face you, and his eyes went right to your arm that was starting to swell. There was black and blue marks, and judging by his face, it looked even worse than you’d thought.

“If that’s nothing, getting your arm amputated must be the minimum require to be ‘something,’” he said sarcastically, reaching for your arm, “How did you manage to do that?” You glared at him, not wanting to hear from him too that you should go to the hospital.

“A little scuffle with a rapist,” you said softly, “It looks worse than it feels,” That was the biggest lie ever. It was throbbing like it had its own heartbeat. You could barely go a few minutes without noticing how much it hurt to move. You weren’t sure how you’d managed to drive over on your own when you thought about it.

“Are you going to get it looked at?” he asked cautiously, obviously sensing there was something else going on.

“I’d rather not. That’s what Liv wanted me to do,” you replied, softly.

“Well I can’t say I blame her,” he told you, steadying your arm with his hands, so he could inspect it. “Can I at least get you some ice and advil?” he asked. You sighed, but nodded. He pushed himself up to his feet with a grunt, disappearing into the kitchen before bringing you a cold bag of ice which you promptly pressed to your injury, and two advil with a glass of water. You thanked him softly, gulping down the pills and cuddling up against his side when he sat down. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer. He was quiet for awhile, but you could feel his burning want to say something. It was clear in the tense way he was sitting, the way he kept glancing at your face, and you were beginning to get irritated with him,

“If you want to say something, just do it,” you practically snapped, and he sighed.

“Please don’t get upset with me,” he whispered, “But I hate to see you hurting. Someone should look at your arm,”

“I don’t want to Rafael,” you argued,

“Can I at least know why you don’t want to get it looked at?” he asked. You looked away for a bit, and he let you along so you could gather your thoughts. You didn’t want to admit the real reason to him, but then again, if you couldn’t tell him, you couldn’t tell anyone. “I won’t judge you,” he added softly.

“I--I know you won’t Rafael. It’s just,” you trailed off for a second, “It’s just I have bad memories of the hospital. The rape kit they did,” you shivered. He made a face, only briefly before he shifted back to a neutral expression.

“Oh,” he whispered, “So you don’t want to go to the hospital. Would it help if….would it help if I go with you?” he asked softly, “I just want to help. I care about you,” You thought about it for a few minutes, tears starting to cloud your eyes. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he was there with you. If he held your hand. You felt an icy cold dread as you made your decision.

“I--I guess,” you finally replied, and he seemed to relax with relief.

……………………………………

You picked at the fuzz on the arm of the chair, wondering just how a peculiar stain on the floor go there when Rafael’s voice pulled you from your thoughts, “Y/N,” he said softly, and you looked over at him. “Are you okay?” His hand was covering yours, and you just smiled and nodded slightly. You didn’t want to worry him too much,

“I’m fine, it’s all good,” you said softly. He eyes you warily but didn’t press.

“I’m gonna need some help with this paper work,” he said. He was writing for you because of your hurt arm. You shouldn’t have tried to finish the paperwork earlier as it just made things worse. “Let’s see…...name?” When you looked up, he had a playful smile on his face, and you did laugh softly. He wrote your name in the blank, asking you various questions about your birthday and your health. You zoned out a few more times, and he looked increasingly concerned despite your best efforts to assure him it was nothing.

When you finally made it back to an exam room, he sat beside the table on a chair and held your hand. He could feel your shaking, “Y/N, please try to breathe,” he whispered, “It’s going to be okay. This isn’t like before,” he told you. “They’ll just look at your arm, and hopefully get it in a cast or a brace,”

“I’m trying,” you whispered, “It’s just this place,”

_Their hands all over you as you lie there, vulnerable. The bright, sterile white of the walls, voices that felt like echos in a giant cave. It all made you feel sick to your stomach. You could feel the hand around your neck, cutting off your air; your chest on fire as your lungs fought for oxygen._

“Hey, shh, Y/N,” he murmured, and you realized you were crying. “I’m right here. It’s alright now. No one is going to hurt you,”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, but he just shook his head,

“Don’t be. There’s nothing to apologize for,” you assured you. When the doctor came in, you tensed up, but Rafael squeezed your hand, and you shut your eyes, fighting off the nausea.

“Hi Ma’am,” the young man said, “I understand you’re having some pain in your arm today,”

“Yes,” you whispered,

“What happened?” he asked, and you recounted your story to him, and Rafael was there to support you the whole time which made you feel so much better. The doctor took you down for an xray, getting you into a cast, and then you’d been at the ER for hours, and you were exhausted and thankful when they let you go finally. Rafael smiled at you, walking you back outside and a cab was waiting. He led you to his bed when you got back and disappeared into the other room, presumably to cook dinner. You laid there, fighting with tears, but you finally had to give in, a heavy sting in your throat, vision blurry, and they started to stream down your cheeks. You were thankful for the privacy where you could let out your emotions and then pull yourself together. You slowly felt your eyelids growing heavier as you lie there, and eventually you couldn’t keep them open anymore. Shifting weight on the bed pulled you from your light slumber, and then Rafael was gently propping your arm up, and handing you a plate with some sort of rice, beans and chicken, “Morning sleepyhead,” he whispered, “I made dinner,” You picked at it, still feeling vaguely nauseous, but glad he was there with you. After you ate, you just laid in his bed, watching episodes of Friends and talking softly about nothing and everything. You ended up tucked against his side, your head resting on his shoulder, “I’m sorry you had a bad day,” he whispered,

“You’ve made it better,” your replied, “As much as possible,” He smiled at that and turned more onto his side, and suddenly he was perched above you, and you wanted nothing more than to kiss him softly. His eyes grew wide, his breathing picking up minutely. He swallowed, and then leaned down, and your hand went up, cupping his cheek and guiding his lips to meld with yours. You felt a warmth spread in your abdomen as his soft lips moved against yours, his fingers gently brushing your hair back. When he pulled back, he was breathless, and he stroked your cheek gently with his knuckles,

“Is this okay?” he whispered softly, and you nodded slightly,

“It’s more than okay,” you murmured back.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus this shorter than I wanted, but I’m about to go to sleep. A few bumps in the road here, but nothing major. Hope you guys like it!

He was trembling slightly as he leaned down once more, connecting your lips softly, but you steadied him, one hand threaded in the hair on the back of his head, the other resting over his back. He was tense, his muscles feeling rock hard under your fingers. You clung to him as he pressed his tongue into your mouth, his hand steadying your face. He sighed softly, making your head spin and stealing your breath away as he kissed you deeply. When he pulled away, his heavy breaths were accompanied by a tight look on his face, “Are you okay?” You asked softly, and he nodded. 

“I just—I think I should lay down maybe,” he whispered. You helped maneuver him into his back, looking at him worriedly, 

“Are you alright?” You asked softly, 

“Y—Yeah,” He whispered, “It just hurts,” 

“Just take it easy then,” you whispered. “No worries,” He leaned his head back, sighing, and when you looked closely, you saw tears in his eyes, “Don’t be upset. It’s alright,” you murmured, “There’s no rush. What’s important right now is you’re doing okay,” 

“Just give me a second,” he murmured, and he shut his eyes, obviously trying to pull himself together. You gently rubbed circles onto his arm, 

“I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere,” you promised. He slowly started to calm down, and when he opened his eyes again, he looked much better. “We can still kiss in this position,” you whispered, only half teasing, and Rafael nodded, hands going to your sides and back and easing you down so you could kiss. It seemed easier and less painful for him when he was laying down, and you didn’t mind, resting your casted arm beside him, but putting your weight on your good arm. He was still shaking, so you brushed your fingers through his hair, and he started to relax into your body. There was some tension his arms, but for the most part, the rest of his body was relaxed against you. His lips were soft, but insistent against yours, his tongue turning you into mush. He was so good at kissing, it made you feel light headed. Soft kisses began to grow more heated, but then Rafael pulled away. He sort of just let his head drop against the pillow, staring at the wall. You untangled yourself, moving to the side and trying to figure out if he was okay or if he needed anything. When he didn’t say a word, you weren’t entirely sure what to do, so you started watching the tv, trying to give him some space. After a long silence, you couldn’t help yourself, “Rafael?” you whispered. No answer. “Can I help?” All you got in response to that was soft weeping sounds. “I’m here if you want me,” you finally told him. You focused your attention back on the tv, and then his hand was grabbing for yours. He was still silent, but he held onto you tight. He laid there quietly for while before he wordlessly climbed out of bed and disappeared out the door. You felt awkward and unsure, and really, really bad for him. You hated that he looked so distressed and upset, and you felt responsable. Had you pushed him too far? 

He didn’t return for a while, and when he did walk in the room, his hair was wet and he had changed into a pair of sweatpants and a white tee. You waited for him to take a seat on the edge of the bed again, and you hesitantly moved closer, looping your arms over his shoulders. He leaned his head back against you, “Hey,” you whispered against his hair, “Are you alright?” 

“Yes,” he said softly, “I’m sorry--I--” he stopped, hanging his head and starting to choke up again. 

“Shh, don’t apologize,” you whispered, “Listen to me, whatever is going on in your head right now: you don’t have to explain yourself,” You rubbed soft circles on his chest, and you were glad to feel him relax, all the tension seeping from his muscles. You pressed your lips to his temple, and he covered your hand that was resting on his stomach with his own. 

“I’m not upset with you,” he said softly, “I just want you to know that,” 

“I understand that Rafael,” you told him, “Now what would make you feel better right now?” He was silent for another few minutes, but you left him to his thoughts. 

“I--I--I don’t know,” he whispered. He paused another minute, “Can I--Could I hold you?” 

“Sure,” you replied, shifting up onto the bed, and he curled around your back, his belly pressed right against the base of your spine. His strong arms wound around your torso, his face pressing against your hair. You weren’t sure what it was doing for him, but you felt safe, warm, and secure in his arms. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, and you just patted his hand gently. 

“Anytime Rafael,” you whispered back. 

……………………………………………..

He didn’t mention it again, and you worried about him, but if he didn’t want to talk about it, you couldn’t force him to. You weren’t allowed to do much at work for the time being, but Liv was letting you do paperwork which bored you out of your mind. It was better than nothing though. It was getting late though, and it was time for you to go home. You grabbed your jacket, packing up files and heading out the door. The cab ride home was long, and you were tired. You tiredly unlocked your door and as soon as you were inside, you started to strip off layers of clothing. You wanted a hot shower and a nap. You hung your jacket in the closet, and by the time you made it to your room, you were only in your panties and bra. You put your laundry in the hamper, exhaustedly making your way to the shower where you almost fell asleep standing up. You got out, drying off, and slipping into some boy shorts and a sports bra before going to lay down in your freshly changed sheets. 

Just as you were beginning to drift off, there was a knock on the door. You sighed dramatically, heaving yourself out from under the covers and trudging to the door. You were sure your hair was a mess, so you self consciously ran your fingers through your wet locks. You checked the peep hole and saw Rafael standing outside your door, so you opened it up, “Rafael, what the hell are you doing here?” you asked, a smile spreading across your face. His mouth fell open, his eyes traveling down your body before he visibly redirected his gaze. 

“Uh,” he whispered, “I uh, I wanted to see you,” he said softly, rubbing the back of his neck. He held up a bouquet of flowers, white roses which he knew you particularly liked. 

“Oh Raf, you shouldn’t have, come in,” you told him, stepping aside. He was keeping his gaze on the floor as he walked by you, heading to the couch. You set the flowers on the counter before grabbing a wayward sweatshirt that was draped over a chair. You slipped into it before sitting down next to him, 

“Did I interrupt you?” he asked softly, “You look--tired,” 

“I was just going to get some sleep, but I’m glad you came over. I haven’t seen you in a couple of days,” you told him. He hadn’t been answering texts very much especially the past few days. 

“About that,” he whispered, “I--I’m sorry. I was a bit of an asshole, not talking to you, and I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet. I’m just stuck in my own head right now,” 

“Rafael, it’s okay,” you assured him, stopping his babbling. He looked away, looking uncomfortable and miserable. “Look at me, it’s okay,” His green eyes met yours, and you wished that somehow you could help him more. 

“I--I’m trying,” he whispered. 

“I know you are Rafael,” you promised, “I know,” You scooted closer to him on the couch, cautiously wrapping your arms around him. He leaned into you, shutting his eyes and clinging, “I’m right here, and we are fine,” 

“Thank you,” he whispered. You settled back on the couch, and he rested his head on your chest, his body curled up between your legs. You smiled as he cuddled into you embrace. You stroked your fingers through his hair, holding him close and enjoying what contact he was comfortable with. You turned the tv on, and let him pick something to watch. You were so tired that you started to fall asleep fairly quickly, and he was incredibly relaxed in your arms. He was softly snoring when you felt yourself actually drifting off, and you smiled slightly. This was as close to heaven as things got for you. Holding him, being there for him, it was worth all the pain because you wanted him to be happy. Quiet evenings in his company helped you get through the week. You started to feel a little bit overheated, so you slipped out of your sweatshirt to get more comfortable. 

You felt his weight shifting around, half on top of you, and you blearily opened your eyes. When your vision cleared, your head feeling foggy, you saw Rafael, hair messy, peering down at you intently. His eyes were dark, and you saw him gulp. A shaking hand reached out, brushing across the smooth skin of your torso, “You’re beautiful,” he whispered, and you felt your cheeks heat up. He leaned in, pressing his lips against the side of your neck, moving up to your jaw, before meeting your lips again. You let him take the reins at first, kissing him slowly and calmly. This started to escalate though, and the burning warmth pooling inside you made you arch into him, kisses growing heated and more intense. Your hand snaked under his tee shirt, his blazing hot skin smooth with a light sheen of sweat. He abruptly pulled away again, and an unreadable expression crossed his face. “Can we--can we stop. I want to stop,” he whispered, his voice wavering. 

“Of course we can Raf, are you alright?” you asked. He sighed, shaking his head at himself. 

“I’m--I don’t want to talk about it,” he replied, running a shaking hand through his hair. “Can--Can I stay here tonight?” he asked. 

“Yes, again, of course. Do you want the guest room?” you asked, unsure of how he was feeling at the moment. He shook his head, fists clenching, 

“C--Could I sleep in your bed….with you?” he asked, looking scared of your reaction. You laughed softly, just because you slept in the same bed all the time. Not necessarily on purpose, but you did, and he was sprawled out on top of you on the couch just moments before. 

“Come on,” you said with a soft smile. He dutifully followed you toward your bedroom, and you gently helped him out of his pants, but when you reached for his shirt, he scrambled to yank it back down. 

“Leave the shirt?” he asked softly, and you nodded. You pulled the covers back, climbing under and patting the bed, beckoning him toward you. He eased down onto the mattress, propping his cane up against the nightstand. You looped your arms around his waist, gently rubbing circles on his skin where his shirt rode up. 

“Can you turn off the lights?” you asked, and he nodded, the room going dark. All was quiet for a few minutes before his soft voice rang out, 

“Goodnight. I love you,” he whispered. 

“Love you too Rafael,” you replied, pressing a kiss against the back of his neck.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn’t post last night. I was feeling good but then suddenly I started feeling terrible again. I went to sleep instead of finishing. I’ll try to get a chapter out tonight but no promises cause I have my first eight hour shift in three weeks tomorrow. Let me know what you think!

Waking up on a Saturday to Rafael softly snoring beside you was a nice way to begin your weekend. He seemed exhausted, so you just left him in the bed when you finally decided to get up. You took a warm shower and then settled on the couch to watch some tv. You still felt sort of tired, but it was a lazy Saturday tired. You were glad to be able to just take a load off, and rest. Rafael didn’t appear for a few more hours, and you smiled, watching as he blearily stumbled out to the couch, rubbing his eyes. He still looked soft with sleep, and it gave him this boyish look. You thought he was incredibly handsome, his soft hair falling into his face. He sat down heavily beside you, “Morning,” you whispered, and he smiled,

“Morning,” he mumbled.

“Are you hungry?” you asked, and he shook his head. He was quiet. Worryingly so. “Is everything alright?” you asked gently. He just shrugged.

“M’sorry about last night,” he whispered, shutting his eyes, “I--I shouldn’t have just dropped in on you like that, and than I freaked out...again,”

“No, no, no, you come by anytime you want. I was glad you came over, and like I said before. There’s no rush,” you assured him.

“I--I don’t know why I can’t just--I’m so tired,” he whispered. You grabbed for his hand,

“Give yourself a break Rafael,” you whispered. He nodded, but he didn’t look very convinced.

“I--I guess I could eat something,” he whispered.

“Alright, what sounds good?” you asked.

“Lots of coffee,” you laughed at his response, but you wanted him to eat something real, “An omelette wouldn’t be so bad either,”

“Mm omelettes, that sounds good,” you said softly. “Fifteen minutes, and I’ll get that for you,”

“Let me help,” he said softly.

“No, you’re my guest,” you argued, but he gave you a look that told you he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. You sighed. He looked at you a few times, and you had a feeling he wanted something that he didn’t want to ask for. “Do you want to come here?” you asked softly, shifting around and opening your arms up for him. He quickly moved over into your arms, relaxing more and shutting his eyes. You gently stroked your fingers through his hair, his head resting on your chest, “You have made my day so much better,” you told him softly, “I really love having you here. I hope you know that,”

“I appreciate how good you are to me,” he whispered, “You just--you don’t make me talk if I don’t want to, and you don’t make me eat. You let me do what I need. You make me feel sane again,”

“Anytime you need me, for anything, you call me. I’m here for whatever you need,” you told him softly. You rubbed his back, kissing the top of his head, and you watched tv for another few minutes. “Alright, I’m off to make breakfast,” you said softly, To your frustration, he followed right behind you, leaning against the counter while you got things out of the fridge. “Cheese?” he nodded, “Pepper?” he nodded again, “Tomato?” the face he made at that cause you to laugh, “I’ll take that as a no,”

“Tomato in an omelette?” he said, sounding disgusted, “That sounds….mushy,”

“Mushy?” you said, laughing again, “That is definitely not something I thought I’d hear coming out of your mouth,” You cracked the eggs while he cut up vegetables. He started humming softly, and you looked at him out of the corner of your eye, smiling as you watched him sway softly. He looked so soft with sleep still, so relaxed at least at face value. You knew he was struggling inside, dealing with a tumultuous storm of emotions that would throw him off kilter at any given second. You could relate deeply to his distress. There were days when getting out of bed felt absolutely impossible, but life had to go on, so you usually managed to push yourself forward. Rafael had such a worse experience as well. You knew how bad he was grappling with his guilt.

It turned out he was very handy with the omelettes, folding them perfectly and carefully. You ate together on the couch, the tv playing softly in the background. It was a good morning.

…………………………………….

When you woke up, your eyes felt so heavy. You just laid in your bed, snuggled up in your blankets and feeling an exhaustion that was bone deep. You felt so tired, so uninterested in getting out of bed or even picking up your phone. You just wanted to stay there all day and sleep. You turned over, turning off your alarm, and shooting a text to Liv, letting her know you weren’t feeling well. You fell back asleep fairly quickly, and you were in and out intermittently. You could feel the cold press of the brick wall on your face, rough hands pinning you there. The plastic zip ties that bit into your skin, tucked neatly against the small of your back. Laying on that small, uncomfortable mattress, nothing but Rafael’s body to keep you warm. Rafael screaming, sobbing at night and trying to hide it from you. A hand wrapped around your throat, feeling helpless, nothing to calm you but those bright green eyes. Rafael laying limp in your arms, bleeding everywhere.

You could barely hold yourself together, tears pricking your eyes. You just burrowed deeper into your blankets, squeezing them closed and trying to block out the pain. You shut your eyes again and drifted off into a fitful sleep.

_“M’I dying?” His voice was terrified, soft and strained._

You jerked awake, breathing hard. Something fuzzy rubbing against your hand almost made you jump out of your skin, but then you realized it was just Percy. Your car snuggled up beside you, making you feel a little better, “Oh Percy,” you whispered tearfully, pulling him into your arms. He didn’t squirm or fight, sensing your need for snuggles. His sandpaper-like tongue dragged across your skin as he lay in a warm lump in your lap. You could hear your phone ringing incessantly beside you, and somehow it had suddenly become day time, but you didn’t care. You dragged yourself from bed, getting Percy some cat food before laying down again. You were under about a thousand blankets, snuggling deep into the mattress and shutting your eyes as you tried to pretend you were okay. Maybe if you thought it hard enough, you could trick yourself into feeling better.

You felt pathetic. It was that plain and simple. Rafael had been hurt so much worse, but you were the one falling apart. Your phone was buzzing and buzzing, but you ignored it. At some point someone was knocking on your door, but you just ignored that too. Maybe they’d go away if you didn’t answer. You jerked slightly when you heard someone’s voice ring out from inside your apartment, “Y/N? Your door was unlocked. Are you okay?” Rafael. You couldn’t even bring yourself to get up for him. He knocked on the bedroom door, waiting a few minutes, but you didn’t answer, “I’m gonna come in okay?” The door creaked open, and he peeked in, worry shrouding his face. “Hey,” he said softly, cautiously coming closer to you. He knelt down with a grunt, “Are you alright? I went to visit you at work, but Liv said you called in sick. I brought soup,”

“Rafael,” you whispered, your voice overwhelmed by tears. He got this heartbroken look on his face, coming closer and running a shaking hand through your hair,

“I’m right here,” he promised, “I’m not leaving,”

“I--I just couldn’t today,” you said, trying to explain yourself, but he shushed you.

“I know, trust me, I know how hard it can be. Can I help you at all?” he asked softly.

“Hold me,” you whispered, and he nodded, quickly climbing into the other side of your bed, and scooting closer to you,

“I’m right here,” he whispered, “And I know it doesn’t feel even remotely okay right now, but you’re gonna be alright,” He slid his arms around you pulling you close, and you just started crying, and you couldn’t stop. He held you close, comforting you, and shushing you as you sobbed. “It’s going to get better,” he promised, but you couldn’t breathe. You turned over in his embrace, pressing your face against his chest, and he gently ran his fingers through your hair, his steady arms holding you tight. “You’re gonna be okay. I promise,

“Rafael, I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“What for cariño?” he whispered, his voice soft and sweet, “You have nothing to be sorry for,”

“I’m sorry you got so hurt,” you sobbed, and he shushed you again, rubbing your back.

“Y/N, you’ve gotta listen to me. I made that decision,” he murmured against your hair, “You didn’t make me do it. I wanted--I needed to protect you, and I’d do it again,”

“It isn’t fair,” you whispered, and he tightened his hold around you.

“I know it isn’t, but you’re strong. You’ll get through this. I know you will,” he whispered. You stayed like that for awhile until he whispered softly against your hair, “When’s the last time you ate?”

“Lunch yesterday,” you admitted.

“Well then I think it’s past time for me to get you something. What if I run you a bath while I make you something to eat?” he suggested. You sniffled, but nodded anyways. He helped you out of bed, and your joints felt sore and stiff from lack of use. He sat on the edge of the tub, filling it with lavender soap he found in your closet. He ran his hand through it, ensuring the temperature was alright before, leaving you to get in. Before he left the room, he pressed a kiss to your forehead, “If you ever feel like this, or if you need me, I want you to call. I’ll be here in a heartbeat,” You eased down into the hot water, sighing as immediately eased some of the pain from staying basically stationary for a day and a half. You shut your eyes, breathing in the sweet smell of the lavender soap. It had been a present from your mother, and it was your favorite. Rafael always somehow knew how to make you feel better, even before all of this had happened. He would say the right thing, or make a joke when you really needed to laugh. You always had appreciated his friendship, and with this added layer of intimacy to your relationship, he was there for you even more. You wondered how long he had felt something for you. How much time you had wasted denying and dancing around your feelings. You never thought he could possibly love you the way you felt about him. You admired him, held tight to every word of praise or insight he threw your way. You loved watching him in court, watching him fight for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. You admired his bravery and his selflessness, and great, you were crying again because he was all that and more for you. He had sacrificed himself; his physical health, his emotional stability, and his mental well being to simply protect you from harm. You hated that he blamed himself for what they forced him to do to you, and you hated that he was still struggling physically and mentally. You wanted to help him, to be there for him, but neither of you were emotionally equipped to deal with your own trauma, much less the other’s. You were doing the best you could in a hard situation. You appreciated him coming to check in on you, and to take care of you when you really needed it.

When you opened your eyes, there he was, leaning against the door frame, a soft smile on his lips, “You feel any better?” he asked softly, and you nodded, “Ready to get out and have some lunch?” you sighed, but nodded again, struggling to your feet and out of the tub. He wrapped you up in a fuzzy towel and nudged you back toward your bedroom. You got changed into some comfortable clothes and by the time you were done pulling your hair up into a messy bun, Rafael was back, waiting for you once more. He took your hand in his, the water from the bath leaving him damp. He led you out to your living room, and brought you a plate with two fair sized sandwiches on it, and a bowl of his soup. “You didn’t have many groceries, or I would have tried something more creative,” he said with a laugh. You just leaned your head down on his chest as you ate.

“Thank you Rafael,” you murmured,

“I couldn’t have you down and depressed love,” he whispered, and your heart warmed at the endearment.

“Raf?” you asked, and he responded with a soft hum. “What does cariño mean?” He blushed slightly.

“Darling, dear, love. Anything along those lines,” he admitted, “That’s okay right?”

“Definitely,” you replied softly. Things were already looking up.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a miracle I got this done for you guys but here you go right before I run off to an eight hour shift at work (kill me) lmao. I hope you guys like it! Let me know what you think :)

Sonny had his arm wrapped around you, trying to keep you warm as he guided you into the precinct. You were wrapped up in an NYPD jacket, but you were still shivering. You still had on your wet pants, your shoes squelching with every step you took. He nudged you forward towards your desk. “Here, just sit down, I’m gonna get Liv, and we’ll get you warm and dry,” He whispered. You nodded softly, wrapping your arms tighter around yourself. He was about to go in Liv’s office when she came out, Rafael appearing almost right behind her. 

“Hey Carisi, did you guys catch Patterson?” She asked, and then her eyes flickered to you. 

“Uh, yeah. Fin’s bringing him in, but uh Y/N fell into the water,” he said softly, “And uh she didn’t want EMS to examine her,” You hated the way Liv looked at you, so you averted your gaze to the ground, 

“Y/N,” she said softly, “I’m gonna need you to go to the emergency room,” You just shook your head, and she started to say it again when he stepped in. 

“Liv, I’ve got this,” Rafael’s voice was soft, and soon he was squatting down beside you, “Hey,” he said gently, “You alright?” 

“I’m cold,” you whispered. His green eyes were filled with worry, 

“Alright, let’s get you out of these wet clothes. Come with me,” he said gently. 

“Rafael, she needs—” Liv tried to interject, but Rafael cut her off, 

“She needs to get out of these wet clothes. You telling her what to do won’t help the situation. Let me handle it,” he said, leaving no room for arguments, and he gently led you back toward your locker. “You have extra clothes?” he asked softly. You nodded, and he sat you down on the bench opening up and looking through your things. He found your extra tee shirt and leggings that you kept in there just in case. He very carefully helped you out of your jacket and shirt, “Do you want to take that off?” He asked, looking pointedly at your bra. You unhooked it with shaking hands. Rafael unfolded your t shirt, “Hold your arms up for me?” He slipped the shirt over your head, and helped you up to your feet. “Can your take your pants off?” He asked softly, and you reached down with numb fingers, slipping the pants off your hips and down your legs. You were shivering so badly. He towered off your legs and then handed you the leggings. You peeling your underwear off before pulling your leggings up, and Rafael gently helped you dry your hair. He sat beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, and pulling you close. “How do you feel now?” He asked gently. You laid your head on his chest, feeling tears rising in your eyes, 

“He—He looked like—he looked like Brad. I just—I froze, and he shoved me in the water,” you whispered. 

“Shh, it’s alright, just breathe,” he said softly, but you could hear the tension in his voice. He gently stroked your hair, “Can you tell Liv about it?” 

“Y—Yeah,” you finally stuttered. 

“I’ll tell you what, we’ll go out there and talk to Liv, and then I’m gonna take you to dinner. Okay?” He said gently, and you nodded. You stood up shakily, pulling on your extra socks and converse that you kept in your locker. Rafael walked you out again, “Liv, Y/N needs to talk to you,” He said. 

That’s how you found yourself in the interview room, clutching a warm cup of tea. “Just take your time and tell me what happened Y/N,” Liv said gently. 

“I was chasing the suspect across the pier, and Sonny was circling around. I cornered him, but…” you paused, looking down, “He looked like one of the men who kidnapped Rafael and I. I just—I froze, and he shoved me in the water,” 

“Do you think if we put him in a lineup, you might be able to identify him?” Liv asked softly. You sighed, 

“I could try,” you whispered, 

“Alright sweetheart, how about you head home for tonight. We’ll try and get something together tomorrow. Okay?” She suggested, and you nodded, finally getting up. Rafael was waiting for you patiently, and he hooked his free arm in yours, 

“We’ll get a cab,” he said softly, “And we can go to your place to get you some clothes, and then we can go wherever you want, my treat,” You could feel his body trembling as he walked, but you didn’t say anything, hoping not to upset him too much. You were both feeling it, a sense of dread. Not knowing whether you’d rather face the men that hurt you or pretend it never happened at all. When you were sitting in the cab, you looked at him, 

“Raf, I’m scared,” you whispered, “I’m really scared,” 

“Me too,” he replied. The rest of the ride passed in silence. When you got to your apartment, you led him up the stairs and he sat on the couch while you went to change. You pulled on a nicer pair of leggings that was also warmer, and a sweater to try and and ward off the chill that was plaguing you. You quickly did your hair and makeup, and then you were ready to go. On the way to the restaurant, you just held Rafael’s hand in the back of the cab. “I wish this would just go away,” he whispered angrily, and you stroked his arm. You understood exactly where he was coming from. When you got to the restaurant, you weren’t really even that hungry. You felt sick to your stomach, but you knew Rafael would worry if you didn’t have dinner. Instead of causing an issue, you would just deal with it. Rafael was kind of quiet, especially at the beginning of the meal. He stared at the menu for awhile, looking like he just wanted to burst into tears, so you grabbed for his hand. 

“Whatever happens, you’ve got me,” you promised him, and he nodded, taking a sip from his drink. You couldn’t take the silence, the tension. Them stealing away any more of your life felt like you were letting them win, and you refused to let them have that. “So you’re moving around well,” you said softly. 

“PT has been going better,” he said with a soft smile. “They got me away from that imbecile Brock, and now I’m working with some lady. Uh I think her name is Stacy. She doesn’t treat me like I’m five years old at least,” You laughed. 

“He did seem pretty insufferable. I cringed when he called you Buddy,” you said, and Rafael scowled. 

“He was a moron. I should sue him,” he growled, and you laughed again, “My suffering amuses you?” he teased. 

“Your description of Brock does,” you replied. He smiled at that. “Thank you for helping me earlier. I don’t if I was just shocked or what, but I was a mess,” 

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for,” he said lightheartedly, “My Mom is finally starting to calm down a little bit. Yesterday she went out with some friends which I’ve been trying to get her to do for months,”

“You have such a good Mom,” you told him softly, and he did smile at that. 

“Yeah, she takes good care of me,” he said, “I just don’t want her life consumed by caring for me when she could also be spending time with other people. I’m an adult,” 

“You’ll always be her baby Rafael,” you said, covering his hand with your own. 

“I know,” he whispered, “I wish she wouldn’t have quit her job. I don’t know what she’s gonna do, and I don’t know if I can help her,” 

“You will figure it out Rafael. It will all turn out okay,” you promised him. You wished he could stop stressing for once, and just relax. You were sure Lucia had some sort of plan. 

“Right,” he whispered, looking like he didn’t believe a word of it. “So, anyways, how was your day besides falling into the river?” he asked with a laugh. You rolled your eyes at him. 

“Okay, we’ve been busy the past few days. I’ve gone on three foot chases this week,” you told him. 

“Be careful,” he said softly, “I don’t want to visit you in the ER,” 

“I promise. No more falling in the river,” you joked, and he laughed, the serious look on his face transforming into a smile. “How have you been feeling today?” 

“Better for sure, I’m moving around more, less pain, but it’s still hard. I can’t do a lot of things by myself. Mom has to help me in the shower,” he whispered, “It’s humiliating,” 

“You shouldn’t look at it like that Rafael, it’s temporary. Soon you’ll be back on your feet and going just as hard as before,” you told him. 

“I’m not nearly as optimistic as you,” he said softly, staring down at his lap, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same as I was before,” 

“You’re getting so, so much better Rafael,” you told him, “You can’t think like that,” 

“I can think however I want,” he snapped, and you flinched slightly. His face softened, regret blossoming in his green eyes, “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean that. I just--This is really hard for me,” 

“I know it is Raf,” you said gently, “Just try to keep the faith okay? I don’t want to see you lose hope, not when you are improving so much every day,” 

“I’ll try,” he whispered, “Thank you,” They brought your food out rather quickly, and both of you picked at it for awhile, talking softly the whole time. You were already in such a better mood than before. Rafael had this sort of sad smile on his face, but you knew he was trying, and he needed to work through some things on his own. When you finished eating, you walked out hand in and hand, and the cab took you back to your apartment. “Can I uh--Can I stay over tonight?” he asked softly, 

 

“Of course,” you replied, and you settled on the couch to watch some tv. You were grateful that he was there for you when you really needed him. You watched a movie that was on mindlessly, until you felt him stroking your side, his hand dipping under your shirt to touch smooth skin. You leaned into him. He was so gentle, so attentive, and every touch sent sparks through your veins. 

“You’re so gorgeous,” he whispered, his voice low, “I can never get over how stunning your truly are,” His lips were against your neck then, and he maneuvered you around to lay on your back. He was perched on top of you, his weight pushing you against the couch, and his lips hot and sensual against your skin. You stroked your hand through his hair, thanking the lord that you had him to get through such a rough time. He moved up to your lips, and his hands were holding you steady as he kissed you softly over and over again. It was all going fine until he rolled his hips against your leg, an erection obviously forming and he groaned into your mouth before freezing. All at once, his demeanor changed, and he sat up, running a shaking hand through his hair. 

“Rafael,” you said carefully, “What’s wrong. What happened?” you asked, but he just got up from the couch and walked toward the bathroom. You weren’t going to just let him get out of this though. He needed to talk to you. To tell you what was wrong, so you could help.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is a whole lot of sad lol let me know what you think!

You knocked on the door, “Rafael,” you said softly, but he didn’t answer. “Raf, please let me in. We can talk. It’s okay,” 

“I’m sorry,” His voice was soft and tearful from inside the bathroom. 

“Don’t apologize. Just open the door,” you said gently. It opened a crack to reveal his miserable expression. “Come sit in my room with me. Let’s just talk about what’s going on, so I can help,” 

“I—I don’t know,” he whispered, turning away. 

“Come on, it’s gonna be alright,” you insisted. He stared at the wall, his shoulders hunched slightly before he turned around and dutifully followed you toward the bedroom. He sat on the bed heavily, leaning against the headboard. “Raf, no judgements here,” 

“I’m disgusting,” he whispered, “I don’t want to talk about it,” 

“Whatever is going on, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Just tell me,” you prodded. He wouldn’t meet your eyes, and he was definitely on the verge of crying his eyes out. 

“I—It’s not that I don’t want you,” He whispered softly, “I just—I,” He stopped, mouth falling open and then snapping shut again, “You’re so beautiful,” he said like that explained anything. 

“And you don’t think you are?” You guesses softly, unsure of where he was going. 

“I mean no, but that’s not—it’s just that I know you’re beautiful, and when you kiss me, when we’re so close, I—I want you. I want more, and I think about you and…” he trailed off, his face reddening and looking down, like he was ashamed of himself. You were pretty sure you understood what was wrong,

“Rafael,” you said softly, “Do you find what happened between us arousing?” 

“No,” he said, sounding horrified, “Of course not,” 

“Then you have nothing to feel bad about. You are way overthinking this. You have seen me naked. That doesn’t mean you’re thinking about what they made you do, or that you think that was hot or whatever. Try to let yourself go,” you told him gently, “Try to relax,” 

“I feel so guilty,” he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks, “I feel awful,” 

“Okay Raf, come here, let’s just lay down for a little while,” you said softly. You pulled him into your arms, and he rested his head on your chest. 

“I feel so out of control,” he whispered, “I’m never like this,” 

“Shh,” You whispered softly, “It’s okay not to be perfectly in control,” You rubbed his back, and he curled up on his side, clinging to you. “You are too hard on yourself,” you told him. 

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” he mumbled, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” 

“I know who you are,” you whispered, “You are a selfless, amazing, kind, loving man. You protected me. You are my knight,” 

“A knight in a three-piece suit,” he said with a snort, and you laughed. 

“You just have to hang in there Rafael, you’ll start to feel more and more like yourself,” you whispered. He nodded softly, shutting his eyes and cuddling up against you more. “And whenever you’re ready, I’m here. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting more Rafael. What happened before doesn’t have to define us,” 

“Okay. I--I can try,” you whispered. “I am trying. It’s just so hard for me. They took away…..they changed me. I’m no better than the men we put in jail,” 

“Rafael,” you whispered, “Please believe me. You are different. You aren’t them. They don’t get to do that to you,” You held him tight, and he shut his eyes. You definitely didn’t think he believed you, and you didn’t know how you could possibly convince him. “You know I wouldn’t lie to you,” 

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” he whispered, “I can’t make myself believe it even if I keep trying. I tell myself over and over and over again what you tell me, what Liv tells me. I can’t stop hating myself,” 

“Sometimes the hardest person to convince of something is ourselves,” you told him softly, “Are you talking to anyone?” 

“No, I just--how am I supposed to talk to some stranger about all of this? It’s hard enough talking to you about it,” he admitted, keeping his eyes closed. 

“It’s alright, I’m here to listen to you okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but think about it,” you said. He sighed softly, 

“Can we just watch a movie or something?” he asked. You nodded, groping around for your remote on the nightstand. You grabbed it, clicking it on, and turning the sound down. He finally opened his eyes, watching whatever you put on while you combed your fingers through his hair. He started to relax a little bit, calming down and breathing a little calmer. 

“Try not to be upset with me,” you whispered, “I don’t want to push you too hard,” 

“I’m not mad at you. I promise,” he said softly, holding your hand. “I-It’s not your fault I’m such a mess,” 

“No, hey, you’re not a mess,” you said, cradling him against your body. He drew his legs up tight, throwing his arm across your stomach. He was curled up, like he was somehow trying to protect himself. He looked broken, and you hated how upset he seemed. 

“Tomorrow is gonna be awful,” he whispered, “I don’t know if I can do it,” 

“I don’t know if I can do it either,” you said, hoping it was comforting to him. You stroked the nape of his neck, the thin hairs soft against your fingers. “I guess we’ll both have to figure it out together,” 

“You really think it was him?” he asked, and you nodded, “I see his face a lot in my dreams, but Charlie was worse. He’s the one that….” Rafael shivered, and went quiet. You squeezed him tighter for a second, and he tried to hide the obvious sobs that were threatening to overwhelm him, “I don’t know which one of them was the worst. James raped me so many times, over and over and over again, and I just wanted it to stop. Brad and Charlie hurt me so bad. Brad and James...at the same time, and-and then Charlie and….oh god,” 

“Shhh, I know, shhh,” you whispered, stroking the back of his head,

“Oh god, I just want it to stop,” he whispered. 

“It’s all over Raf, it stopped,” you promised, rocking him slightly, “It’s over,” He pressed his face against your shirt, shaking with sobs, “It’s over,” 

“It’s never gonna be over,” he mumbled, “It’s never gonna stop. I’ll always hate myself, I’ll always remember what I did to you, and I’ll always remember what they did to me,” 

“Maybe you’ll always remember it,” you said softly, squeezing him close, “But that doesn’t mean that you can’t move past it Rafael,” He was shaking, but he started to calm down again, and then it was quiet in the room. You rubbed soft circles on his back, and he smiled just slightly. 

“Maybe….maybe I could talk to someone,” he said softly, “Or at least, I could try,” 

“Whatever you decide,” you promised.

…………………………………

You were both silent during breakfast, tense and barely eating. He looked so uncomfortable, and you didn’t blame him at all. You felt terrified. How were you supposed to look at him? You were sure it wasn’t going to end well for either of you, but you couldn’t just refuse the line up. Well, technically you could, but you were sure 1PP was on Liv’s back to get this thing solved considering it affected both you, an NYPD detective, and Rafael, a highly regarded Assistant District Attorney. 

When you went to the precinct, it was still in silence, hand in hand. You felt your stomach doing flips as you sat at your desk, trying to breathe. Rafael was off in a room, separated from you, and you wanted to throw up. You felt bad, and you were glad Liv was sitting with him. Brad might have freaked you out, but you didn’t have to live with the memory of his hands on you. Not like Rafael did. You stared at the wood patterns on your desk, trying to calm yourself down, but the panic wasn’t going away. 

“Y/N,” Sonny’s voice pulled your from your thoughts, and you stood up, slowly making your way into the room. There were so many faces on the other side of the glass, “Just take a look, and tell me if you recognize any of them,” You started at the end of the line, going from face to face until you hit the one that made your blood run cold. There he was, that same blonde hair falling into his face. 

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” you whispered, and Sonny looked worried. You took a deep breath, “Number five,” you finally said. 

“Can you tell me where you recognize number five from?” Sonny asked. 

“He’s the one who kidnapped us, and he raped Rafael,” you said. You were glad when you could leave the room, and you vaguely felt like you needed a shower. You sat at your desk again, sipping at some coffee until Rafael appeared, looking pale and haggard. He stumbled over, collapsing down into the chair, and looking at you through teary eyes, 

“He was in there,” he whispered, “He was right there,”

“I know Rafael,” you said softly, not sure if you should reach for his hand or leave him alone. He made the decision for you when he grabbed for you, and started sobbing softly. You held him, and shushed his tears, hoping that somehow Liv could get you both some sort of justice, and you hoped in the meantime that you could keep Rafael in one piece.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this a little fluffier for you guys!

You were waiting anxiously outside his door, a bag with a pint of ice cream clutched in your hand. Lucia opened the door in a few second, looking very happy to see you. “Hey Y/N, come on in,” she said softly. You took a step into the apartment, following her to the couch. “I’m glad you’re here. He won’t come out of his room,” she said softly. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” you replied, “I wish I could help him more,” you poked your head in the door, and it was dark in his room, the tv playing on silent. He was just a lump under the covers, unmoving except for the soft rise and fall of his chest. 

“Rafi, sweetheart, you have a visitor,” Lucia said gently, coming in. She picked up an untouched plate of food from his nightstand, sighing, and you went inside, taking a seat beside the lump of covers that hid Rafael from view. 

“Hey Raf,” you said softly. He didn’t answer, “Raf, it’s me,” You heard a loud sniffle, and he started to shift around on the bed, and then you could see his soft face, and you had to stop yourself from reaching out and stroking his skin. He surprised you by immediately moving to rest his head in your lap. You scooted closer on the bed, and he snuggled against you. “I’m right here,” you gently ran your fingers through his hair. 

“Hi,” he whispered. 

“Hi,” you said back, “You weren’t texting me back,” 

“Sorry,” he replied. You just stroked his hair and back. 

“Don’t apologize. I’m just worried about you,” you told him. “You’ll be there tomorrow right?” He sort of just shrugged. “I brought you ice cream,” 

“I’m not hungry,” he whispered. 

“Well you do need a shower. Can you get up?” you asked. 

“You’ve come all this way to try and cheer me up, and the best you can come up with is I smell bad?” he asked incredulously, “You need to work on your idea of cheering people up,” 

“I’m not cheering you up. I’m taking care of you,” you corrected, “Now come on. I can help you if you want,” He sighed dramatically, 

“Wait,” he whispered, and you stopped, hating the air of fragility in his voice, “Just a few more minutes,” 

“Okay,” you agreed, combing your fingers through his hair again. He looked so small, and when you finally did get him up to his feet, he was shakily and frail. He gripped the cane with white knuckles as he limped toward the bathroom, moving worse than you’d seen in weeks. You rubbed his back, and he collapsed tiredly onto the toilet. You helped him get his shirt off, and he wrapped his arms self-consciously around his abdomen. He was able to lift his hips so you could ease his sweat pants and boxers down and you felt the water to make sure it was okay. He had to lean against the wall, the water beating down on him, and you were still half clothed, helping him wash off. You figured you’d just borrow some of his clothes when you got out. His stuff was comfier anyways, and you loved how it smelled. His dark hair was a stark contrast to the white ceramic of the shower, and his hands that had been busy trying to cover up his stomach before, were now completing the much more difficult job of keeping him upright, his skin white from the pressure. “Try and relax,” you told him softly. He nodded, but his muscles were tensing under your hands as you massaged soap into his skin. You rubbed shampoo into his hair, and then conditioner, ensuring it’d be nice and soft when you finished. 

“Mmm,” he sighed, “That feels nice,” 

“I know you’re tired, but we’re almost done,” you promised him, and he nodded gratefully. It took you a few minutes to wash the soap from his hair, and then you turned off the water, helping him dry what he couldn’t do by himself. You pulled the soft tee shirt over his head, and he successfully got himself into his pants without serious injury. He looked tired, but refreshed all the same. After you got your own clothing situation settled by stealing one of his soft sweatshirts and a pair of shorts, you helped him back to his room. He sat in a chair beside the bed while you insisted on changing the sheets. 

“You don’t have to do any of this,” he insisted, but you weren’t listening. “Y/N, you don’t need to take care of me,” 

“Yes I do Rafael. You obviously won’t do it yourself,” you argued, “Besides, I’m glad to come over here and help you out. Come sit down, I’ll comb your hair,” He glared for a minute, but got up with a huff, slowly making his way to the bed. You grabbed the plastic bag with his ice cream and handed it to him while you sat beside him, and gently ran the comb through his dark locks. He picked at the ice cream at best, but he was trying for you. His hair was a bit of a mess, but the conditioner you used made it fairly easy to work the knots out. “Do you want to try some real food?” you asked him softly. He shrugged, his shoulders slumped. “What’s going on Rafael?” you asked. He sighed. 

“It’s just thinking about a trial has me all anxious,” he admitted. “I don’t want to talk about what happened,” You brushed some hair from his face, 

“I know it’s scary. Have you thought anymore about….”

 

“Therapy,” he sighed, face hardening. “I don’t know,” he whispered, “Therapy just--I hate this,” he shut his eyes, and you sighed, wishing you had a fix. 

“Let’s not worry about it then, let’s do something fun,” you suggested. 

“Like what?” he whispered, looking hopeless. You grabbed for his hand, 

“We could play a game, I could read to you--”

 

“I’m not fucking blind,” he snapped. 

“Or we could watch a movie,” you kept talking, trying not to take his bad mood personally. 

“We always watch a movie,” he grumbled. You sighed, 

“We could play Mario Kart,” you said softly, and he looked at you strangely. “Don’t tell me you don’t have Mario Kart, Rafael you are disappointing,” 

“What--who cares if I’d rather read a book than play some stupid pixelated make believe racing game,” he said, sounding defensive. The way he crossed his arms and sort of pouted was adorable, and you couldn’t help but laugh. “Stop laughing at me,” 

“Oh my God, you’re just making it worse,” you said, falling back, still laughing. He huffed, but then he couldn’t help but start laughing himself. When you looked up at him, he was smiling softly. “Made you smile,” you teased, and he shook his head, 

“You always make me smile,” he murmured. 

………………………………..

Tall blonde man sitting boredly in the interrogation room. Liv was shaking with anger, trying to keep herself together. She knew what that man did to Rafael, and it made her feel sick. He had the nerve to sit there and look like he didn’t even care. “Lieu, I don’t know if you should--”

“Carisi not now,” she snapped, trying to control herself. 

“Liv,” that was Fin’s voice, “You’re really close to this. Let Carisi or Rollins do it,” he suggested. She shook her head, but she knew he was right. There was no way she’d be able to align herself with him, not with what she knew. 

“Carisi, get in there,” she said, and he nodded, collecting himself for a second before entering the interrogation room. He smiled, taking a seat at the table, 

“Can I call you Brad?” he asked, and the man nodded, “I’m Detective Carisi, you can call me Sonny if you like,” 

“Look Sonny,” he said, sounding sarcastic, “What the hell am I doing here?” 

“I just need you to answer a few questions, and then you can go back to wasting your day away in Riker’s. Can you tell me where you were on the evening of August 14th?” he asked. 

“August? That’s like four months ago,” he said incredulously. 

“Were you here in the city?” Sonny asked. 

“Uh I think,” he said, “Look, it’s been months, I really don’t remember,” Sonny pulled out two pictures, 

“Look, here’s how it is,” he said, putting down the one of Rafael first, “We have your DNA, we are running it against the DNA collected in Mr. Barba’s rape kit, and I know I’m going to get a positive result. We know you had two accomplices. You tell me who they were, and we can talk about a deal. You don’t, and you’re going to be going down for it all by yourself, and you’ll be in jail for the rest of your life. Think about it.” 

………………………………………

You were sitting at your desk, finally getting just a moment to relax when you heard someone saying your name, and you didn't want to open your eyes, but you did it anyways. You smiled despite yourself when you saw Rafael standing by your desk, grinning, some sort of basket hanging from his free arm. “Come with me,” he said softly. You stood up, eyeing him oddly as you followed him toward the door, “I asked Liv already. We’re gonna have lunch,” 

“Are we?” you said, “I don’t recall being a part of this decision,” you laughed softly, and he just winked at you. 

“That’s because I didn’t ask,” he said like that completely normal. You shook your head at him, but laughed again. He wouldn’t let you carry anything for him not matter how much you asked, but he was moving really, really well. You were wondering if he even needed the cane anymore, or at least if he would be finished with it soon. 

“You look really, really good,” you told him softly. He smiled at you, winking softly, and you couldn’t help but chuckle at him. He was so silly, and he always knew how to make you smile. “I meant how you’re walking,” 

“Oh that,” he said, a real smile spreading across his face. “Stacy said after my next appointment, she wants me to start doing things without the cane here and there,” 

“Oh my God Rafael, that’s amazing!” you exclaimed. “I’m so proud of you,” When he stopped walking, you were in the middle of Central Park, and he found a nice area where he could set up. 

“We’re having a picnic,” he said with a grin. You helped him set the blanket down, and you sat beside him, his arm around you. “I hope you like my Mom’s cooking,” 

“Your mother is wonderful in every way,” you said, looking hungrily at the food he was pulling out of the basket, “And you are a lifesaver. I think I had some microwave meal packed for lunch,” He smiled at that, getting you a plate and you ate in amicable silence, talking softly here and there and enjoying the nature around you. It was a nice quiet moment between the two of you, unharmed by your trauma. You were both happy, and you were both enjoying each other's company. There was no one you’d rather spend the day with than him. After you ate, you ended up laying down, your head resting against his shoulder as he pointed out clouds to you. The cool fall breeze was nice, not too cold that being outside was miserable, but cool enough that it was crisp and refreshing, the leaves falling around you. You had half a notion to shove him into a leaf pile, but you weren’t sure if he’d get up, and not only would Liv kill you if you injured her best friend, Lucia might hunt you down as well. You wanted nothing more than to stay with him, like that forever.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here’s the next chapter. Hope you guys enjoy!

“Brad won’t flip,” Sonny said softly, sitting down beside your desk. You didn’t want to talk about this.

“Okay,” You said softly.

“Y/N, did even you hear what I said? Brad—”

“I heard you the first time,” you interrupted, standing up and going to get a cup of coffee.

“Why aren’t you upset about this?” Sonny asked, and you ignored him, “We still have no leads—”

“Seriously Sonny, just shut up,” you snapped. He looked like a kicked puppy, but you didn’t care. The damage was already done, and you could feel tears filling your eyes. You grabbed for your phone, slipping into an interrogation room and shutting the door. Your hands were shaking as you texted him. _Can I call you?_

His reply was almost instantaneous: _You can always call me._ You dialed his phone number, and you sat down, waiting for him to answer. “Hey,” his voice was soft,

“Raf,” yours was shaky.

“Hey, hey, what happened?” He asked, sounding worried. You had to sit there and try to hold yourself together for a second.

“Brad won’t take a deal,” you said softly. He didn’t respond for a moment,

“Are you alright?” he asked gently.

“Sonny won’t just shut up about it,” you murmured, your voice distorted by tears, “I need you,”

“Okay, I’m coming,” he said softly, “Give me twenty minutes, but I will be there,”

“Don’t hang up,” you asked, feeling more than pathetic.

“I won’t. Not until you’re ready. Talk to me, what are you doing right now?” he asked gently.

“I’m in the interrogation room,” you told him, “I was filling out paperwork, but now I’m alone,”

“Okay, take a deep breath Y/N. Try to calm down,” he said gently, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?”

“Coffee,” you said softly.

“Well I’m bringing you food then,” he teased, and you found yourself laughing despite your rapidly plummeting mood. “How would it sound if we went out for dinner later? We could go for a walk afterwards. I’m supposed to be exercising on my own,”

His voice was soft and soothing, and it was helping you to calm down some. He kept talking to you gently until he was close enough that you let him hang up. The door opening was your warning that he was there, and he sat in the chair next to you. You looked at your hands for a few moments before throwing yourself into his arms. He pulled you closer, whispering soft words in your ear. His hand was warm and steady, rubbing your back, the other one keeping you close to him. “I’m right here,” he whispered, and you were so thankful he had dropped everything to just be with you when you needed him most. If someone told you four months ago that you’d be in this position, you would have laughed in their face. Rafael was not someone who thought you could ever have even if there were mutual feelings. He didn’t do messy, and what was more messy than dating a coworker, but there you were, in his arms, and more than happy to be. “You okay?” He asked softly, fingers threading through your hair.

“I guess,” you sniffled, “Sonny just wouldn’t shut up about it, and I couldn’t—” you trailed off.

“I know,” he murmured, “I should kick Carisi’s ass for making you cry,” You laughed softly at that. You finally took a good look at him and noticed the bags under his eyes and his messy hair.

“Oh my god, did I wake you up?” you asked softly, feeling awful. He needed to be sleeping to help him heal. He definitely shouldn’t be racing across town because you were having a meltdown. His lack of a response was all the answer you needed, and you should have noticed the sleepiness in his voice, the low and gravelly sound that lasted with him about fifteen minutes after he’d woken up, and it was early. You should have known, and now you felt bad, and he probably hated you and thought you were needy.

“I can hear you overthinking things. It’s alright. I’ll take a nap or something later. You needed me,” he told you softly, and you felt like crying all over again. You let your head drop onto his shoulder,

“Thank you,” you whispered, and then his lips were pressed against the top of your head, and you felt so, so much better.

“Everything is going to turn out okay. I promise,” he told you softly.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you Rafael,” you said softly, and he just pulled you closer.

…………………………………

You were at home when there was a knock on the door. You weren’t even remotely ready, and you felt overwhelmed by everything. You opened the door, and Rafael was standing there, smiling, a bouquet of roses in his arms. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi,” you replied, “I just need a couple more minutes. I--I’m sorry. I just--I’m a mess Rafael,”

“Breathe Y/N,” he said softly. “I can wait,”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I shouldn’t even be the one this upset. Are you okay?” He shrugged,

“I’m making do,” he replied, and you nodded, letting him in the door. He settled on the couch while you went to finish getting dressed. When you came back out, finally all put together, Rafael was petting Percy who had settled on his lap again.

“Wow, he really likes you,” you said softly, “He usually hides from strangers,”

“Well I like him too,” he said, hand running over your cat’s smooth fur. He started purring, pushing his head into Rafael’s hand when he tried to stop. Rafael chuckled, “Wow, someone’s insistent. I wonder who you get that from, hmm?”

“Hey,” you said with a laugh.

“Alright, let’s go. We have a reservation to make,” he said with a smile. You helped him try to brush the cat fur off his suit pants that were paired with a sweater and some brown dress shoes. He held your hand, and you smiled, it acting as a tether and keeping you grounded. He was so strong, holding you up when you broke, keeping you safe. He was the only thing you believed in anymore, the only person you trusted more than anything. The cab was nice and warm, and you leaned against him.

“I wouldn’t be able to do this without you,” you told him softly.

“Y/N,” he said softly, and his voice sounded so tired that you were suddenly worried about his mental wellbeing, “You’re keeping me sane right now. Don’t shortchange yourself. You’re what I look forward to. When you text me, it’s like the highlight of my day,” You hated thinking that he felt so lonely, so isolated, and you wished you could do more to help him. “You’re beautiful and amazing, and I thank my stars that you’ll still look at me after everything that happened,”

“How long have you felt this way?” you asked softly, and he smiled fondly.

“A long time. I just didn’t have the courage to say anything,” he whispered.

“You’re the bravest man I’ve ever met,” you said, sounding surprised.

“Maybe when it comes to my own ass, but….” he blushed, “I’ve never been good at showing my emotions,” he admitted, “And I have a hard time trusting people, and I hope to God that I don’t drive you away,”

“I don’t know that anything could pry me away from you now,” you whispered, and he looked down at his lap,

“You’d be surprised. I’ve done it before,” his voice was soft and full of pain, and you felt a deep hatred for anyone who ever broke his heart. He was guarded with his emotions, usually so stoic, but with everything you’d been through, he couldn’t keep up his facade. “Just know I’m trying to be open with you,” he whispered, “I’m trying so hard,”

“I know you are Rafael. Thank you,” you replied. He squeezed your hand once, and you smiled, leaning your head down on his shoulder. When you got to the restaurant, he insisted on holding the door open for you. He took you to the table that he always sat at, and you smiled when he pulled your chair out for you

“I can’t have wine right now, but don’t let me stop you. Get anything you want,” he said softly, and your lips raised in a soft smile. He was so sweet, such a gentleman. You figured you were better off without the wine though, and not only because you didn’t want to tempt him.

“I think I’ll probably stick to sweet tea,” you said.

“Appetizers?” he asked, looking up at you, and you shrugged. It felt awkward, like a first date even though it definitely wasn’t. “I like the stuffed mushrooms,” he said, and that definitely sounded good to you.

“Mmm, that sounds really good,” you said, and Rafael smiled,

“Okay,” he said softly, looking at you a little bit. There was a sparkle in his eyes, a deep look that made you feel warm inside. There was so much emotion in his gaze. “This doesn’t have to be awkward,” he said softly, “But you’re kinda cute flustered,” You blushed.

“I’m sorry. We just haven’t been out like this much, and I’m a little nervous,” you were rambling.

“I understand,” he said, still smiling, “It’s just me though. You’ve gotta know by now that I don’t care what you eat or if you snort when you laugh,”

“What do you want to talk about then?” you asked softly.

“Tell me about your family. You’ve met my mom,” he replied. You smiled and started to tell him about your own helicopter mother. He laughed when you told him about that time your parents had followed you during a date, or when your Dad did a background check on all your boyfriends. He looked so happy, so interested in you and what you were talking about, his eyes never leaving your face. You shared the appetizer, and once you started eating, you realized how hungry you actually were. You hadn’t been eating so well, your appetite disappearing when you got overly upset or stressed out. You ordered shrimp scampi, and it tasted delicious. Rafael was eating steak, and he looked happy as he ate. You loved the carefree, happy look on his face that was so rare.

When you finished eating, you were looking at the dessert menu until your phone started ringing off the hook. His phone began buzzing almost immediately after yours, and you both found them. You picked up, “Hello?” you asked softly.

“Y/N, hey, it’s Sonny. I need you to come down to the precinct,” the voice said over the phone.

“Sonny, I’m kind of busy right now. I don’t know if I can--” you started to say.

“I really need you to come down right away,” he interrupted, “Liv is trying to get ahold of Rafael,”

“He’s right here. We’ll be there in a bit,” you said softly, and Rafael was looking at you oddly, setting his phone down.

“What’s going on?” he asked softly, and you shrugged.

“I don’t know. Sonny just said they needed us down there, and I don’t know why,” you whispered.

“Okay um, let me just get the check,” he said, pulling his wallet out. He dropped it, swearing softly and reaching for it, but banging his head on the table in the process. “Ow,” he said softly, and you grimaced,

“You okay?” you asked, and he nodded, but he looked vaguely sick.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be a little painful to read, but it’s propelling us forward plot wise. Hope you guys enjoy :)

You were both shaking as you started walking into the precinct. Rafael was leaning heavier on his cane, looking as scared as you’d seen him in weeks. You hung onto his arm, trying to keep both yourself and him calm. “I don’t like this Y/N,” he whispered. 

“Me either,” you replied. Your fingers were laced with his, and you weren’t letting go no matter what. Your other hand just rubbed up and down his forearm soothingly. 

“I’m not feeling so hot,” he whispered, “I’m gonna need to sit down,” 

“Alright, almost there Raf,” you encouraged him, and he nodded, limping more profoundly as you moved. 

“Ow,” He whispered as you were going in the door, 

“Y/N, hey, good thing you guys are here—“ Sonny started to say. You held up a hand to quiet him down, so you could get Rafael situated. You steered him into a chair, smoothing a few wayward strands of hair from his forehead, 

“Do you want some water?” You asked softly, and he nodded. He sipped at the cool glass you brought him, shutting his eyes and trying to regulate his breathing. 

“Y/N—”

“Not now Sonny,” you cut him off, rubbing soft circles on Rafael’s arm. “Hey,” he opened his eyes shooting you a soft smile, 

“M’okay, just—it just hurts a bit,” he whispered, hand resting on his stomach. 

“Just try and relax, calm down. The stress probably isn’t helping,” you whispered to him, and he nodded. 

“Rafael?” That voice made you freeze, and Rafael’s eyes widened. He was stiff, and his breathing started to deepen. You groped around for his hand, turning and putting yourself between him and the familiar tall, dark-haired man. “Are-Are you doing alright?” He took a step towards you, and Rafael was immediately up to his feet and scrambling to get away. His foot caught on the leg of the chair and he wiped out on the floor, still trying to drag himself away. You were immediately worried about him injuring himself, so you knelt down beside him, and James took a step closer, “Let me help you up,” he said softly, and you glared. 

“Get away from him,” you practically snarled. He knelt down, and Rafael jerked away when his hand brushed his wrist. 

“Don’t touch me,” his voice was tight and terrified, and he was on the verge of tears. Sonny grabbed James’ arm and pulled him away, taking him back to an interrogation room and leaving you to fret over Rafael. He was gripping your hand so hard it hurt. 

“Hey,” you whispered, “Hey look at me. He’s gone. It’s alright now,” He didn’t really respond, but rather he laid down on the floor, and covered his face with his hands for a few moments. You sat beside him, rubbing his arm, and waiting for him to collect himself. After a few more moments of silence, you started to worry. “Raf, what do you need right now?” you asked. 

“I--I don’t know,” he whispered, his voice shaky. 

“Can you sit up?” you asked, and he shrugged, but took his hands away from his face. There were tear tracks that were visible on his cheeks. 

“It hurts,” he whispered again, his hand over his abdomen. You eased his shirt up to take a look, but on the outside, everything looked good. The incisions were pale and looked fine. He quickly yanked his shirt back down. 

“Let’s try and sit you up,” you said softly, easing your hands under his shoulders. 

“You okay Rafa?” Liv asked, coming over. Her voice was gentle and soft like she was speaking to a child. 

“Not really,” he replied, grunting softly as you tried to get him up to a sitting position. Liv supported his other side, and he made a slightly pained face, but he was up. His breathing was harsh, little gasps, but he shut his eyes, and he was managing to calm down slowly. 

“That’s it Raf, it’s all okay,” you promised. He sniffled, scooting closer to you and leaning into your arms. You wrapped him up tight, and he let himself sob against your shoulder. Liv was rubbing his back, 

“He touched me,” he mumbled. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, fingers combing through his hair. “I know it hurts. Just breathe,” 

“Why’s he here?” he asked, his cheek still resting against your shoulder. 

“That’s what we called you guys about,” Liv said softly, “He was supposed to be here earlier, but Fin and Rollins got held up. We ran the DNA through CODAS again after hitting a brick wall, and Warner opened it up to familial hits,” 

“We’ll get a lineup later, just a formality of course, and then I’m going to try and get him to flip on the other two,” Sonny said, coming back out into the room. 

“Okay,” you said softly, “Come on Raf, let’s stand up,” He nodded, shaking as you pulled him up. You grabbed his cane for him, easing him forward to sit down again on the chair. “You think you can calm down?” 

“Y-Yeah,” he whispered, but you weren’t convinced. He looked awful, pale and terrified. 

“Lieu, I need you in here,” Sonny called, and Liv disappeared back into the interview room. Rafael had started to calm himself down, and he was wiping at his eyes. 

“You need anything right now?” you asked softly, and he shook his head. 

“I just wish he’d leave me alone,” he whispered, and you nodded, grabbing for his hand. 

“You made it through that though. You’re one tough guy,” you whispered, kissing his temple as you leaned against the arm of his chair, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 

“I wish I could just calm down,” he said softly, “Whenever I think about him or it, my heart just starts racing like it’s gonna explode, and my chest gets all tight. I feel awful,” 

“It’ll get better Rafael, but it takes time,” you said gently. 

“Um,” Liv’s voice startled you, “We need to talk. You two come on to my office,” You looked at Rafael warily, but the both of you got up, and followed your friend towards her office. She looked anxious to say whatever it was she needed to tell you. You put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder, and you rubbed up and down his arm, trying to keep him calm, “Are you alright Rafael? How do you feel?” 

“Okay,” he answered, “Making do,” 

“You have no obligation to do what I’m about to ask,” she said softly, and you suddenly were really worried, “James said he’s willing to give us names and testify, but he wants to see you,” 

“Me!?” Rafael’s voice was a soft squeak. He sounded horrified. Liv nodded. “W-Why?” 

“He didn’t say Rafael. Y/N can go in there with you, I can go in there with you if you want. You will not be alone with him. I won’t let him touch you if you don’t want. It’s completely up to you, okay?” Liv explained. He didn’t respond, looking at the ground for awhile. Neither of you pushed him to talk or make a decision because you wanted to let him think. 

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to Rafael,” you told him softly. He nodded. He was quiet again for a bit before he finally spoke up, 

“I--I guess I’ll go in there. Ten minutes. That’s all I can give him,” he whispered. He stood up shakily, gripping his cane tightly in his hand. “And I want Y/N with me,” 

“Sonny will just sit in there to make sure he doesn’t try anything okay?” Liv said, and Rafael nodded. He started walking towards in the interrogation room, his steps shaky, and you just followed his lead, trying to be there for him. He stood at the door for a good fifteen minutes before he worked up the courage to open it and go in. James was sitting at the table, hair falling into his face. He looked distraught. You helped Rafael to the chair to sit down. 

“Hi,” James said softly, “How are you?” 

“You have ten minutes,” Rafael whispered. James reached across the table, to touch Rafael’s hand, but Sonny immediately interjected, 

“No touching,” he said, “Or I’ll have to cuff you,” 

“Are you okay?” James asked softly. You kept a supportive hand on Rafael’s shoulder. 

“What do you think,” Rafael spit back, “How would anyone be ‘okay’ after what you did to me?”

James looked ashamed of himself, shoulders hunched, tears in his eyes. “I deserve that. I deserve to go to hell. Look, I-I’m sorry about everything, especially what Brad and Charlie did to you,” 

“Sorry doesn’t get rid of my pain. I’m never going to be the same,” Rafael whispered, tears starting to leak from his eyes, “I hate myself and you,” 

“That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I want to know if there’s anything I can do to help,” he said softly, and you rubbed Rafael’s shoulder. He was starting to get really emotional. 

“You can’t do anything. Nothing will take away my nightmares, the five surgeries I had to have, how much everyone else has had to give up just to take care of me because I can’t even take a shower by myself anymore,” His voice was a tight, hissed whisper, and you were starting to cry yourself. He looked down at his hands, “Just tell me one thing,” James looked up, “Why did you make me hurt her?” 

“I—I—” he shut his eyes, “It’s complicated. I was trying to show Charlie and Brad that I’m not soft. I got way too carried away—”

“You call making me rape the person I care the most about ‘carried away?!’” Rafael’s anger was just growing. “I can’t sit in here anymore. I need to—I need to leave,” 

“Okay, come on,” you said softly, helping him up. He looked exhausted, absolutely drained as you helped him from the room. He sniffled, wiping his eyes. “I’m so proud of you,” you told him on the way out the door. 

“Great Rafa,” Liv said, patting his shoulder, “You did great in there,” 

“I lost my cool,” he said softly, but you shook your head, 

“You told him how you felt,” you whispered, squeezing his hand. You should be proud of yourself. 

“I feel—I feel a little better,” he whispered. 

“Hopefully now he’ll give us his full statement,” Liv said softly.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some light steamy stuff. I hope you guys like this. Let me know what you think! I could definitely use a pick me up after a really, really tough day.

Rafael sat in Liv’s office for a long time. He didn’t want to talk or get up. He just sat there, and you sat with him, trying to somehow comfort him. It was a lot to process and you were sure with all the trauma he’d been through, his brain was struggling to find a way to cope. You rubbed his back gently and he leaned into you. “Can we go home?” He asked softly after a few minutes. 

“Your place, mine? You can stay over if you want,” you offered. 

“You two go get some rest. Y/N, take tomorrow off. I’ll call if I need either of you,” Liv said. 

“Yours,” Rafael whispered. 

“Come on then, we can watch some tv and get some rest,” you said, easing him up to his feet. He nodded, trailing after you, but stopping to look through the glass one last time at James who was still telling Sonny everything. He was sitting with his head down, obviously upset, at the table. You hoped the guilt ate him alive. Rafael shut his eyes in the cab, and you didn’t bug him. Whatever was going through his head was something he needed to deal with, and if he wanted help, you knew he’d ask. “I’m here for you,” you reminded him, and you left it at that. He nodded, leaning his head down on your shoulder, and you brushed your fingers through the hair on the back of his head. 

“Can you not do that?” He whispered softly, “Just for tonight. I’m sorry. I just—bad memories—” You cut off his hurried explanation. 

“Of course Raf,” you replied. You rubbed up and down his arm instead. When you got back to the apartment, he was tiredly sitting on the couch. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Just some tea maybe,” he whispered. You heated up some water and stood behind the counter, watching him as you waited for it to be ready. He looked tired and definitely not in a talking mood. You took him the mug, and he held it, staring at the tv idly. You wanted to hold his hand or hold him, but you weren’t sure what exactly he needed at the moment. He just didn’t seem to want to talk. 

“Is there anything I can do?” you asked softly, but he just shrugged. 

“I--I think I just want to go to sleep,” he replied. He got up wordlessly after that and started heading back towards your bedroom. You shut the tv off, feeling awful. You were so worried for him and his mental state. You peeked in the bedroom, and he was on his side, covered in your blankets, the room dimmed. You got ready for bed, and went in, sitting beside him, rubbing his back softly. “This is all a lot,” he whispered.

“I know Rafael. I wish I could help you more,” you whispered. He turned onto his back,

“You are helping. I’m just--I’m sorry,” he said softly. “Do you want to--distract me?” he was blushing and looking nervous. You looked at him, trying to gauge what he wanted. He took the reigns, his hands going to your sides, easing you down so you were half on top of him, and he brushed your lips with his. You threaded your fingers in his hair, steadying his face so you could kiss him easier. His big hands were cupping your sides, one stroking at the skin where your shirt rode up. He was pressed up against you, body warm, skin so hot. It felt heavy and steamy, his talented tongue delving into your mouth as you stroked his cheek. There was a very light stubble on his cheeks that rubbed roughly on your skin, but it just added to the sensation. 

“You’re okay with this?” you whispered breathlessly, looking down at him. He had tears in his eyes, but he nodded. You let him tangle his fingers in your hair, cupping the back of your head and pulling you back down into a kiss. You rested one hand on his chest, the other slipping under his tee shirt. He let out a soft moan when you dragged his bottom lip between your teeth. He held you tighter, trying to press your bodies so close they were practically melded together. His chest was heaving when you pulled back. 

“Oh my god,” he whispered, stroking your skin, “You’re incredible,” 

“Feel any better?” you asked softly, and he nodded. 

“Come back here,” he whispered, pulling you back down. You laughed softly against his lips, “You make me smile,” he murmured between kisses, “You make me think that I could possibly be happy again,” 

“I promise you will,” you whispered back, leaning your forehead against his. “I love you very much okay?” 

“Yeah, me too,” he murmured. He shifted around below you, pressing a kiss against your jaw. He gently eased you down onto your back so he could get at your neck. His soft lips pressing against sensitive skin stole your breath away, teeth dragging across the hollow of your throat, tongue soothing over afterwards. Harsh gasps overtook your breathing, your head falling back to bare yourself to him. He was perched over top of you, one hand brushing through your hair, the other under your shoulder. 

“Oh Raf,” you breathed, “That feels good,”

“Yeah?” he murmured against your skin, “You’re stunning. I can’t get enough,” You could feel the warmth pooling in your abdomen, heat building inside you, coiling up tightly. His hand brushed over your breast, cupping and just squeezing softly. His eyes were dark with lust, hair falling into his eyes. You could feel him hardening, poking into your thigh, and he rolled his hips just once, rubbing against your leg and groaning softly. Your hands were splayed across his back, holding him close as he continued ravishing your neck, hips rolling again. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered. He was heavy on top of you, and suddenly you felt pinned down. You tensed up, your mind racing. You felt trapped, and he was all over you. You tried to find your voice, to ask him to stop, but it was constricting. You tightened your grip on his shirt, and dug your nails into his back just enough. He stopped, breathing heavily, but looking at you with very worried, big, green eyes. “You okay?” he whispered, his voice raising an octave and cracking just slightly. He sounded so concerned. You still didn’t feel like you could talk, so you shut your eyes and pushed gently at his shoulder. He immediately rolled off of you, and you quietly tried to pull yourself together. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered when you finally did feel like you could talk. 

“Don’t apologize. I am sorry. I--I got carried away--”

“No Rafael, it’s not your fault,” you said softly, “It was fine. I just started feeling claustrophobic, and I freaked out a little bit,” 

“I should have checked with you. I should have made sure you were alright,” he whispered, sitting up and covering his face. 

“No, don’t be upset,” you said softly, “Please don’t,” 

“It’s my fault anyways. You’re having flashbacks of  _ me,”  _ he whispered. 

“No Rafael, don’t do that to yourself. It’s alright. I’m okay,” you said gently, stroking his shoulder. He quietly wiped his eyes for a few seconds before leaning against you. 

“We’re both messed up,” he murmured. 

“Yeah,” you whispered into his hair, “But that’s alright. Next time we’ll just have to try and take it a little slower,” 

“Slower,” he murmured, “It’s like molasses. I can barely stand having an erection,” You pulled him tighter, wishing it wasn’t so hard for either of you, “I’m sorry,” he finally said softly, rubbing his face, “I just wish this would all get better faster. I’m impatient,

“I know it’s frustrating,” you told him, “But you’re improving. You weren’t hurting me. I just couldn’t keep going. I’m sorry,” 

“Stop apologizing,” he whispered again. 

“Only if you stop blaming yourself,” you fired back. He looked at you, surprise flashing across his face for a second. He couldn’t help but laugh for a second, 

“Touché,” he whispered, “Damn,” 

“It’s gonna be alright,” you told him softly. He nodded. “Can I just hold you?” 

“Let me go take care of this first,” he said with a soft smile, easing himself off the bed. His boxers were tented, hiding nothing, “Can I--Can I have a towel?” You nodded, getting up and finding him a soft towel. He disappeared into the bathroom, and you heard the shower water running. You wondered if he needed help, but you didn’t want to intrude on him. He came back, looking worn out, hair damp and his shirt sticking to his shoulders. 

“Hey,” you said softly, “Come here,” He smiled softly, shutting the door to your bedroom. He climbed onto the mattress next to you, his legs and hips resting between yours, head on your shoulder, arm looped around your side. You rubbed his back between his shoulder blades and your other hand just rested on the back of his head, keeping him close. He relaxed against you, shutting his eyes. His body was limp, muscles pliable under your hand. You rubbed gently, trying to lull him to sleep with soft rocking and whispers about how much you loved him. He was half asleep, clinging to you in no time. His inner cuddle monster was back, arms tightening considerably. 

“Thank you,” he murmured. 

“Of course Rafael,” you whispered back.

……………………………………………

“Hey,” Sonny’s voice was soft. You tried to ignore it. “Y/N,” 

“Yes Sonny?” you asked, finally breaking. 

“Liv wants to see you. Something about the testimony,” he said, tilting his head toward Liv’s office. You stood up with a sigh, heading to your boss’s office. Rafael was at your apartment, probably still asleep. He had been staying the night more frequently, just sleeping in the same bed with you. It seemed to calm him down. You liked that he was making himself at home in your apartment, relaxing and relishing in your company. You liked having him around, talking to him, and holding him at night, having his arms around you. He started leaving clothes around, a sweatshirt here, two or three pairs of boxer briefs, and a toothbrush. You found yourself wearing his sweatshirt on the nights where he stayed home. He smelled so good it was intoxicating. 

“Hey sweetie, take a seat,” Liv said softly. Great. You were  _ sweetie _ now. You hated the soft voices that people used to talk to you. It made you feel like you were five years old. You sat down anyways, feeling nervous. What did she possibly have to say to you? “James gave us his full statement. Fin and Rollins are going to get on a plane and try to go pick up Charlie in Ohio. We’re hurtling towards legitimate movement on this case. You and Rafael need to prepare yourselves for a trial,”

“Okay,” you said softly, “Have you talked to his mom?” 

“Y/N, I don’t know how much she really knows about what happened,” Liv said softly. 

“She has to have guessed,” you said softly, “That there was at least some sort of sexual assault,” 

“All I know is he wanted to hide it from her. I’m not sure on specifics though,” she said with a sigh. 

“She’s not dumb Liv,” you said, “Rafael had so much damage,” 

“Look, talk to him, let me know where he’s at,” she requested, and you nodded. You hoped that testifying would be a positive experience for you both, but you weren’t sure Rafael would feel that way at all.

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ this took me a long time. Thank you all for the kind words! Today has been better than yesterday and I hope it just keeps going up. hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think!

You knocked on his door. Lucia was the one who answered, and she met you with a big smile. “Hey sweetheart come on in. Rafi is in the bathroom. Do you want some breakfast?” 

“Oh Lucia, I’m okay. You don’t have to—”

“No, no. I insist, come on,” she practically dragged you to the table. You laughed softly when she brought you a big plate of food. “He should be out in a few minutes, but in the meantime, do you want to see some scrapbooks?” You smiled, and nodded eagerly. Rafael was going to kill both of you, but it was so worth it. She brought over two small scrapbooks. The first one had his baby pictures, and you smiled at the small, chubby baby that loosely resembled Rafael’s facial features. He looked adorable, big smiles on his face. He looked like a energetic toddler with eyes too big for his head, a cute mop of brown hair. As he got older though, the childish innocence left his face, and he looked hardened. He didn’t smile so much. It made you sad to an extent. “He had a hard time as a teenager,” his mother whispered, “His father,” 

“He’s adorable. I especially like the pictures from when he was in elementary school,” you said with a small smile. 

“He’s still that little boy in my mind,” she said softly, “I’m so proud of my son,” 

“You should be. He’s worked so hard,” you whispered. You went back to looking at his baby pictures. You heard some soft shuffling after that, and you looked back to see Rafael leaning against the wall as he tried make his way towards you. 

“Hey Y/N,” he said softly. 

“Rafi, you’re still supposed to be using your cane,” his mother chastised. 

“I’m building up my muscles,” he argued, but he looked unsteady and in pain. As he got closer, he saw the open scrapbook on the table, “Jesus Christ, Mom,” he sounded like a whiny teenager which you found infinitely amusing. 

“Rafael, language,” she scolded, and he rolled his eyes, “I was just showing Y/N some of your baby pictures,”

“You let her?” he said, turning to you and looking affronted. You laughed. “You’re both awful,” he complained, and you laughed again. He sat down beside you at the table, “Geez Mom, are you trying to fatten her up or something. I know she’s tiny, but….” he trailed off. 

“Be quiet, let me get you some breakfast,” she said, smacking his shoulder lightly. When she disappeared into the kitchen, he looked to you, a soft smile on his face. 

“Sorry about her,” he whispered, and you shook your hand, covering his hand with your own. “So what exactly are you looking at there,” 

“Just a very cute, very chubby baby named Rafael,” you said looking at him with a grin. He looked at the picture, 

“I was pretty cute wasn’t I?” he whispered, and you nodded, 

“The cutest,” you agreed. 

“I want to see your baby pictures,” he said with an evil grin, and you shook your head, 

“Nope,” you said, but he wasn’t going to give in that easily, 

“I think I could convince your Mom to show me,” he teased, and you glared. “You know I’m right,” you didn’t answer, “Say it. Come on, say I’m right,” 

“Nope,” you repeated, and he scooted closer, digging his hands into your sides. You laughed, squirming away, “Stop it, oh my god,” He tickled you, laughing as you shrieked. 

“Rafael, leave her be,” his mother said, coming back into the room. You laughed softly when he let go immediately. “You’re awful, you know that,” she said, and he blushed slightly. He started eating and looked over at you, shooting you a soft smile. 

“I thought you and I could go get some coffee after this,” you said softly, and he nodded, 

“Sounds good. I need to get out of the house anyways,” he said. He hadn’t been over to your place in a couple days, feeling a bit under the weather. You had visited him a few times, but he just slept a lot, looking pale and fragile. He still didn’t quite look himself. When he finished eating, he shifted around in his seat, looking like he wanted to get up. “Y/N, can you get my cane?” he asked softly, “It’s in my room,” 

“Sure,” you said softly, “Do you want a jacket too?” 

“Yes please. Thank you,” he said softly. You headed back to his bedroom, grabbing the cane that was leaned against his nightstand and a jacket from his closet. You were heading back out when you heard his low voice, “I don’t understand why you had to pull out these old pictures,” he said softly. 

“Well I think it’s important to bond with the girls you date Rafi, and what do we have more in common than you,” Lucia argued. 

“We aren’t dating,” he snapped quickly and you felt your heart drop. He sounded so defensive. If you weren’t dating, what the hell were you doing? You spent almost everyday either talking to each other or spending time together, and you kissed him and cuddled with him. It was by far not platonic. There were emotions involved, intertwined, so you definitely were not friends with benefits considering you’d done little more than some heated kissing. He told you he loved you, but now you weren’t sure if you believed him. Lucia held her hands up, “We’re just trying to get through this in one piece,” You walked out, feeling awkward and upset. 

“Okay Rafi, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said softly, “You two have a nice time okay?” 

“Okay,” he grumbled, his shoulders tense. He smiled at you though when you made it over to him. You wordlessly handed him his jacket and cane, and then he was standing up with a sigh. “Ready?” he asked you, and you just smiled shallowly. He stepped closer to you like he was going to reach for your hand, but you pulled away. He didn’t comment, but his eyes widened with worry. He climbed into the passenger seat of your car, and he looked out the window for a few moments, the silence tense and awkward. “Are you okay?” he asked softly. 

“Fine,” you replied shortly. He didn’t say anything after that. When you got to Starbucks, he looked downright upset and confused. You got in line, and he was quietly shifting from foot to foot beside you, his body language broadcasting his rampant anxiety. You ordered a latte, but you waived him off when he moved to pay for yours. That just startled him more. When you were sitting down, his leg was moving rapidly, hand tapping the table. 

“Y/N,” he said softly, “Is everything alright?” 

“It’s fine Rafael,” you insisted, and he flinched. You finished your coffee, and he stood up, following behind you like a kicked puppy. 

“Do you want to stay?” he asked softly, “We could watch some tv or….”

“Actually I have to do some paperwork,” you said, and he looked distressed once more. You parked by his apartment, and usually you’d walk him up. He looked at you unsurely, not wanting to leave like that. 

“Did I do something?” he asked, and you sighed. 

“I’ll see you another time,” you whispered, and he got out of the car shakily. He waved at you hesitantly, and you couldn’t bring yourself to leave him hanging, so you waved back. 

…………………………………………………….

You were upset with him. You were confused. You weren’t sure what you wanted or what you felt. He called, you answered. He texted, you responded, but it wasn’t the same because you were upset, and he still didn’t know why. He seemed to be at a loss, unsure of what happened, and he was trying to fix it, but he didn’t know what the problem was. You were on your couch, watching some tv and feeling awful when your phone started ringing. You picked up, “Hello?” you asked softly. 

“Hey, it’s me,” Rafael’s voice was soft and unsure, “I was uh--I was wondering if you wanted to come over,” 

“Rafael--” you started to say, but he cut you off. 

“I don’t know what I did,” he interjected. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m not going to stop trying to fix it. I want to make this right,” 

“I’ll come over,” you relented, “I need to talk with you anyways,” 

“I have therapy in like an hour, so maybe you could come with?” he sounded unsure, but you couldn't say no to him. Even when you wanted to strangle him, you couldn’t say no. 

“I’ll be over soon,” you said softly. You put on more appropriate clothes, and you followed him to his room when he answered the door. He sat on the bed, and you sat beside him quietly. 

“Please look at me,” he said softly, and you obliged, “I need you to tell me what happened because I don’t know, but I have to fix this,” 

“Why,” you said softly, “We’re not dating,” A look of confusion flashed across his face before he suddenly realized what was going on. 

“You heard that?” he asked softly, reaching for your hand. You looked away, 

“What is this Rafael? What are we? I thought I meant something to you,” you whispered. 

“Oh my god, I’m such an asshole,” he whispered, dropping his head, “I was trying to get my Mom off my back. You came over, and I was having a really bad morning. It’s not an excuse, but I didn’t mean it like that,” he said softly, “We never talked about what this was. I also didn’t want to assume,” He was right. You never actually had a conversation about your relationship. You didn’t know what it was, what it meant. You didn’t set rules. “You mean everything to me,” 

“We need to talk, to really talk about us,” you said softly, and he nodded. “Do you want to date me? Is that what you want this to be?”

“Y/N, I’ll take whatever you’ll give me. If you want to be my girlfriend then that’s what I want too. I love you. I mean it when I say that,” he said. 

“Okay then, I guess we’re dating,” you said softly, “Do you want to tell people or….”

“Let’s not hide it, but we probably also shouldn’t broadcast it,” he suggested, and you agreed. “I can’t share you. If we’re serious here, I only want to see you, and I only want you seeing me,”

“I wouldn’t dream of anyone else when I have you,” you told him softly. You felt infinitely better than before, glad you could talk it out with him. You had been so hurt by his words, but you should have talked to him about it. Both of you were struggling, but you knew he cared about you. 

“We’re okay now?” he asked softly, and you nodded, “That’s such a relief,” He had been stressed all week, and he looked like a very heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“You’re forgiven Rafael. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner. I was upset,” you told him. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close. He breathed in the smell of your hair, shutting his eyes and clinging. You rubbed his back, 

“What did you need to talk to me about?” he asked softly. You sighed, fingers brushing through the hair on the back of his head. 

“Liv wanted me to talk with you about the trial,” you said softly.

“Trial?” he whispered, his voice almost a squeak. 

“James spilled. They’re going after Charlie, and we’re both going to have to testify,” you told him softly.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, “I just--I don’t know if I can,” 

“You did great with James,” you said, but he didn’t respond, “Did that not make you feel better?” 

“It did, but this is different. This is raw,” he whispered, “I have to tell everyone what they did,” 

“I know it’s hard,” you said softly, “I’ll be there with you,” He shut his eyes, curling up on the bed. He was crying, and you wanted to help more, but he was just upset, 

“I don’t think I can,” he whispered. You stroked his skin, and he started rocking himself. 

“Shhh, I know,” you told him, “But they’ll go to jail Raf, for the rest of their lives,” He buried his face in comforter, so you wrapped your arms around him, holding him tight. You knew that once he got up there, this would make him feel better. You just needed to convince him of that.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here's the next chapter. There's some smutty stuff towards the end. We'll see about posting tomorrow. I had to move some work things around this weekend because it's tomorrow or today I guess lol is my birthday and I have a party that I forgot about so now I'm covering a shift on Sunday and moving day is rapidly approaching (yikes) so I have to pack to. I'm gonna try, but who knows.

You were sitting at your desk, texting Rafael when Sonny came in, dragging Charlie to an interview room. You felt your stomach do a flip. He was pure evil, the worst of the three by far. At first you would have given that title to James, but he was making up for some of it with his willingness to help now. It didn’t excuse him by any means, but it lowered him on your list. Brad was an asshole, but not malicious like Charlie who seemed to be the most sadistic of the bunch. You weren’t sure what entirely was going on psychiatrically with James, but something seemed off there. You stood up, unable to stop yourself from going to watch through the glass. “Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,” Sonny said softly, “Do you want to tell me about what happened four months ago,” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about blondie,” he said, sounding irritated. 

“Don’t play that game with me asshole, you hurt my partner,” he pulled out the pictures, “Recognize them? I have their testimonies, and your buddy James gave you. You’re facing life in prison,” 

“Fuck off,” he spat. 

“Save yourself some grief, I’m sure the DA might cut you a bit of a break if you plead guilty,” Sonny said, and you appreciated him trying to spare both you and Rafael from the trauma of a trial. You were sure Rafael would prefer to not testify, but you thought it would help him. He had been resistant to the idea since you had simply mentioned it. He was having a really rough time, laying in bed more than not. He would just sleep most of the day or stare at the wall, but he always managed a smile for you. You felt more secure especially since your conversation, but you were still so early in your relationship. 

“You can go screw yourself,” Charlie said softly, “If you want to send your little DA pal in here though, I might be more interested to talk if I can have fifteen minutes alone with him,” The smile on his face made you feel sick to your stomach. “He looks like he would taste really sweet,” he trailed his finger over the picture of Rafael, and you wanted to wring his neck yourself. Sonny shook his head and came out of the room, 

“He’s a piece of work,” he said softly, “I want to punch that piece of shit in the face after what he did to Barba,” 

“He’s disgusting,” you whispered, “He was the one who decided to use the pipe,” 

“I better get Liv. I’m not going to be able to deal with him on my own without killing him,” Sonny whispered. You weren’t sure if Liv would be much better. Sonny disappeared out the door, and you couldn’t help yourself. You let yourself in the door, and Charlie looked up, a dark smirk crossing his face.

“Hey pretty thing, too bad I didn’t get a go at you. Your little friend was delicious though. I made him squeal,” he said, and you forced yourself to keep your cool. 

“I hope you know your fate is sealed you piece of shit. You assault a Manhattan ADA and a detective? You’re dumber than I thought. James told them everything,” you said softly. 

“James,” he said with a snort, “That nutcase? He’s crazy,” 

“Seemed stable enough to me,” you replied. 

“You have no idea,” he whispered. You heard a knock on the door, but you weren’t ready to leave yet. You stepped closer to the table, 

“Convicted or not, you have a price on your ass,” you said lowly. You spit in his face before letting yourself out of the interrogation room. 

“Y/N, what the hell,” Liv said softly. 

“I’m not a cop on his case,” you said before storming out of there. You needed to see Rafael. 

………………………………………..

You found a parking spot, getting out of your car quickly. You just needed to see him. Going in the door of the physical therapy clinic, you looked around, finding the front desk. A young woman sat there, typing away on a computer, “Excuse me,” you said softly, “I’m looking for Rafael Barba,” 

“Uh, let me go see what he’s doing,” she said softly. You stood there awkwardly, waiting for the woman to return and let you see him. You felt jumpy and unsteady. When she did come back, she was smiling. “Follow me, he’s expecting you,” she said softly. She led you back to a little room, and when you went in the door, you saw Rafael sitting on a bed, looking sweaty and tired. He was sipping a glass of water. He turned to the young woman beside him who you assumed was his therapist, 

“Can we have a few minutes?” he asked softly, and she nodded, patting his arm. You came closer to the bed, “Hey,” whispered. 

 

“Hey,” you replied, “I’m sorry if I’m interrupting. I just I needed to see you,” 

“Are you alright?” he asked, “What happened?” 

“They got Charlie,” you whispered, “And I talked to him, and I just need you,” 

“Here, come here,” he whispered lowly, and you let him pull you into a hug, “It’s okay. I’m alright now. You’re alright now. He can’t hurt us anymore,” 

“I know,” you murmured, “He’s awful though,” 

“Trust me, I know,” he said, a note of dark humor in his voice. His fingers were shaking slightly as he stroked your hair, “We’re gonna figure all of this out,” You appreciated that he was trying to be strong for you, that he was holding himself together in order to calm you down. You sniffled a little bit, but you pulled back, feeling somewhat better. “Now, you get to see me humiliate myself,” he said softly. The young woman from before returned, “Y/N, this is Stacy. Stacy, this is my girlfriend, Y/N,” he said softly, and your heart warmed when he introduced you like that. 

“Well aren’t you a lucky girl to have this charming, handsome man,” she said with a smile, and Rafael blushed. 

“The luckiest,” you agreed. 

“Alright Rafael,” she said softly, “You ready to give walking a try?” He sighed, but nodded. She pulled out a little cloth belt that she secured around his waist. “You’re gonna do great,” She eased him up to his feet, and looked wobbly, standing on his own. She had a tight grip on the belt, but he was doing all the work. It was just a safety net in case he took a bad step. There was a scrunched up look of concentration on his face as he took a wobbly step forward. You were so proud of him as he slowly made his way across the room. He looked exhausted by the time he made it back to the bed, but you had a giant grin on your face, 

“Rafael, oh my god, look at you,” you said softly, “You did amazing,” He was panting, but he managed a smile for you. 

“Alright champ, let’s get your stim on and some heat and you can rest for a half hour, and then we’ll get you home,” Stacy said kindly, and Rafael nodded, scooting back on the bed. He laid down, resting, and you moved the chair closer so you could hold his hand. 

“How do you feel?” you asked after you were alone for a few minutes. 

“Good,” he whispered, “Exhausted but pretty good,” You smiled at that. 

“You’re not in too much pain?” you asked, and he shrugged. 

“I’ll get my narcotics when I get home,” he whispered, and you nodded. Stacy attached little pads to his abdomen and laid a heat pack over top. He sighed contentedly, closing his eyes. You talked softly while he rested, but soon enough he was done, and you helped him up. You bundled him up for the walk out to your car as it was cold. “I’m hungry,” he said softly, 

“I am sure your mother has lunch ready,” you said with a laugh. 

“Probably enough for you too even though she doesn’t even know you’re coming over,” he replied with a laugh. He ended up being right, and you enjoyed lunch together before going back to his bedroom. You lounged around on his bed for a while, not doing much. “I have the most dreams about James,” he said softly out of nowhere. You rolled onto your side so you could look at his face. His eyes were still closed, “He raped me the most, and I hated how much he touched me, how affectionate he was. It made me feel sick,” you grabbed his hand, “I don’t trust him, not in court, not outside of court. I don’t know how I feel about him getting a deal,” 

“I wish all of the could get the needle,” you said softly, and Rafael nodded. 

“Charlie hurt me the worst though,” he murmured, “After he and Brad took turns, he was the one who took the pipe and it was so cold. It hurt so bad, and I just wanted to die,” You were quiet for a few minutes. “I just remember shivering, and Brad was on top of me, and I couldn’t breathe. I don’t want to sit in there and look at them. I don’t want to have to tell them how bad it hurt,” 

“I know,” you said softly, “I could barely look at Charlie today. He’s disgusting. I spit in his face,” 

“I always knew you were a fiesty one,” he said with a small laugh.

“Yeah well he was talking shit,” you whispered. 

“About me?” he asked, and you hesitated. You didn’t want to upset him, but you didn’t want to lie either, 

“Yeah a little,” you said. 

“I don’t want my mom in the courtroom,” he said softly, “She wants to be there,” 

“Have you told her what happened? Why you don’t want her there,” you asked, but he shook his head, 

“I can’t,” he whispered, “I can’t tell my mother what they did,” 

“I can try and talk with her for you,” you offered. 

“You’d do that?” he asked, and you nodded. He pulled you closer, leaning his head down against you, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m terrified, and everything feels hopeless, but then I see you, and it doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Does that even make sense?” 

“Trust me, it makes plenty of sense,” you whispered, “You make me feel okay again, so I know exactly what you mean Rafael,” You laid there, holding each other quietly for a while until he leaned in and pressed his lips against your own. 

“You know, I’ve thought for a very long time that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve seen,” he murmured. You blushed, and melted against him when he kissed you once more. He was moving slow, sensually, and his touches were soft. His lips were smooth and gentle as always, but insistent all the same, moving against yours, his tongue turning you into puddy. You groaned into his mouth when his hand brushed your breast. “Is this okay?” he asked softly, and you nodded, sighing as he gently squeezed, kneading, his thumb brushing across your nipple. You arched against him, the sensation causing a tight feeling to coil in your abdomen. “Beautiful,” he breathing, kissing you again. You could feel his stiffening erection pressing against your leg, and you kept your eyes on his face gauging his reaction as you gently placed your hand over the growing bulge. He groaned from deep in his chest, and jerked slightly when you gave him a gently squeeze. 

“Is this slow enough?” you asked softly. His eyes fluttered open, and he gulped like his mouth was dry. 

“I--It’s okay for now. I don’t think I can do….more,” he whispered. You paused, unsure of what he may or may not be comfortable with. 

“What if,” you stopped to clear your throat, “What if you jerked off. You could get used to having me here, but you’d be doing all the touching. You’d have the control,” He looked at you, dark lust in his eyes, 

“What about you?” he whispered, but you just shook your head, 

“Today is about you Rafael. One step at a time,” you said, and he looked torn, but eventually he nodded. He gulped, pulling his pants off his legs and settling back on the bed. He still had boxer briefs on, his erection tenting the fabril obscenely. He was really hard, and when you laid a comforting hand on his arm, it twitched. 

“Oh God,” he whispered, gently touching himself through the fabric for a few seconds. He didn’t tease himself for long though, slipping out of the underwear just enough to pull himself out. His big hand wrapped around his leaking cock had you feeling hot and bothered, and he expertly started to pump himself, thumb brushing across the head every few strokes. He laid his head back, eyes staying on you, a slight ruddy blush to his face. His hips were still at first, but the faster he moved, the more they rose off the bed. “Fuck,” he hissed, squeezing just a little tighter. The areas where your bodies connected felt electric, a brush of skin at the ankle, your thigh was just barely touching his. You moved your hand down to his muscular leg, and squeezed slightly, and he made the most beautiful noise: a low rumbling moan from deep in his chest. It only took him a few more strokes like that and then he was coming hotly, all over the place. When he finished, he collapsed back against the sheets, looking exhausted. You pressed a kiss to his lips, and he smiled. 

“How was that?’ you asked softly. 

“So good,” he whispered. You knew you’d have to clean him up soon, but you just wanted to be in his arms for a few minutes, so you curled up beside him, laying your cheek across his clammy skin. You couldn’t help but feel like you were moving forward finally, a little step out of the ditch you’d been trapped in, and you would never get enough of his post orgasmic cuddles. They were even tighter than his half asleep ones.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I bring you the next chapter before I go to work. I hope this is good! Let me know what you guys think! Moving day is quickly approaching to tonight I definitely need to do some packing, but hopefully I'll be able to do a chapter as well. We'll see

Laying on your stomach in bed, you smiled while Rafael softly told you about his therapy appointment. He sounded tired, but it was nice to hear his voice over the phone. It was low, almost thick sounding, and you wanted to tell him to go to sleep, but neither of you were likely to get any rest. You were too anxious. “I walked the room three times today,” he said softly. 

“Oh Raf that’s awesome. You’re doing so well,” you said softly. 

“I want to go in tomorrow without my cane,” he said. 

“Rafael,” you said softly, “Cutter wants you to use it,” 

“I know all that bullshit about showing the jury my injuries, but Y/N, I want them to see me walk in there on my own,” he insisted, and you understood how he felt, but you also understood the importance of his image for the jurors. He knew that too.   
“You can do whatever you want Rafael,” you said softly, and he heard the ‘but’ that was coming, “But it might affect the case,” He was quiet for awhile, and you were scared you had upset him, but he finally did talk after a little bit, 

“I know,” he whispered, “This sucks, and I’m being stubborn, I know,” He was quiet again, and you wished you were with him in person especially when you heard the tears that were building up, “I hate that they saw me so vulnerable. I don’t want to be vulnerable,’ 

“I know it’s tough Rafael. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, and I wish there was something I could do,” you said softly, and you heard him trying to bite back his soft sobs. “Breathe Rafael. Try and calm down. I’m right here,” 

“It’s not fair,” he sobbed, “It’s not fair that I have to deal with this. They broke me,” you could hear him slamming his fist onto something hard. He was on the verge of screaming, and you wanted to calm him down, but you thought he might need the release. 

“I know it isn’t fair Raf,” you whispered, “I’m sorry,” You heard some muffled thumping and then another voice filtered through the speaker. 

“Oh Rafi, sweetheart, be careful,” it was Lucia’s voice. He was making so much noise that he woke his mother up, “Hey, no, stop, you’re going to hurt yourself. Breathe Rafael,” There was some rustling and then his voice started raising again, 

“Get off me! Stop it!” he yelled. 

“Rafael, calm down,” his mother’s voice was even and calm, and you wondered just how many times he had flipped out like this. “Hey, no, just breathe,” He finally started to quiet down and after a few minutes, you could hear him panting and crying softly. “Hey Y/N,” that was his mother’s voice, “He’s okay, but I don’t know if he’ll be up to talking much more tonight,” she said softly. 

“No Mami, give me the phone,” Rafael’s voice was soft, but it was firm. You could hear the tears still in his voice, “Hey, I’m still here. Just uh--just give me a few minutes to calm down. Sorry about that--I just lost it for a second--”

“Take your time Rafael. I’m staying right here. If you need to, you can call me back. Whatever you need,” you whispered. He sniffled for a few minutes, 

“I’ll call you back in a half hour. I promise. I need to get a drink and calm myself down,” he said softly, and you said a soft goodbye to him. You laid in bed, waiting for your phone to ring and worrying. You hoped he hadn’t injured himself during his slight meltdown. You were half asleep in your bed when your phone started chirping at you. You groped around for it, 

“Hello?” you whispered drowsily, and it was quiet for a second before his voice came through, sounding shaky and soft. 

“Y/N, did I wake you up? We--we can call it a night. I--I’m gonna watch some tv or something,” he whispered, and the vulnerability in his voice broke your heart. He sounded exhausted and upset. 

“Rafael, no, are you alright?” you asked, “I want to talk with you,” 

“I’m fine...I just had a minor meltdown. I hurt my hand a little bit, but I’m pretty good,” he whispered, “You should just get some sleep. I’m fine,” 

“Raf, hey, don’t you dare hang up on me,” you said softly, “I’m probably not gonna get much sleep tonight anyways,” 

“I just don’t want to be a burden,” he whispered.

“You’re not a burden, trust me,” you told him, but you weren’t sure if he believed you, “Did your Mom go back to sleep?” 

“She’s watching tv in the living room. She’s scared I’ll freak out again and get hurt,” he grumbled, “She’s like a helicopter. I’m a full grown adult and she’s still hovering,”

“I know it’s frustrating Rafael, but you are gonna be back in your own apartment soon, and you’ll be able to take care of yourself,” you told him. He sighed audibly over the phone, but he knew you were right. He was so close to getting better. His walking was improving, he could mostly take a shower by himself, and he was only getting stronger every day. You knew he was getting stir crazy in his mother’s house, unable to work or really function. He was just wallowing in his depression, but once he was able to do things, to go out, he would feel better. You hoped that getting some space, and dealing head on with hsi trauma would help the situation. He finally started talking to you again, and you smiled, prepared to waste the night away with him.

.........................

You walked into the courtroom hand in hand. Rafael was trembling, but he looked as confident as you’d ever seen him. You were sure it was a mask, a face he was putting on for everyone else. He had his cane gripped in his hand, finally having given in to your wishes despite his desire to appear strong. You took a seat in the front row of the gallery beside Liv who was waiting for you. She smiled, sitting on the other side of Rafael. His mother wasn’t there just as he’d requested, but there was still time for her to make a late appearance. You held tight to Rafael who gave you a reassuring smile, “We’ve got this Y/N,” he whispered, “Everything is going to turn out okay. It has to,” 

“You’re right,” you murmured, hoping you could quell some of his inner anxiety. When the court officers hauled in Charlie and Brad, Rafael stiffened considerably beside you. “They can’t do anything to you now,” you whispered, but Charlie turned his head, winking at Rafael. You felt him freeze. He managed to keep his cool enough that no one but you and Liv noticed, but he was very upset. “Ignore him Rafael,”

“Cutter is gonna wipe that smirk off his face,” Liv whispered, and you nodded, but Rafael didn’t look convinced. You listened to the opening statements, and then the trial had officially begun. You were scheduled to testify first, and you felt anxious as you made your way up to the stand. They swore you in, and then it was the moment of truth. It was time for you to tell them everything. 

“Alright Y/N,” Cutter said, a soft smile on his face, “Can you please tell the court what happened four months ago when you were leaving the SVU precinct office,” 

“Three men attacked me and forcibly shoved me in the back of their van,” you replied, and when you looked to the audience, Rafael nodded at you, trying to reassure you. 

“And why were you there so late?” he asked. 

“I’m a detective with the Special Victim’s Unit, and I stayed late to finish some paperwork,” you explained. So far the questions were easy, no stress, but you were just getting started. 

“Was anyone else there with you?” he asked. 

“Rafael Barba, SVU’s ADA,” you said. 

“So it was you and the Assistant District Attorney, and which of you left first?” he asked. 

“Uh Mr. Barba did. I left about a half hour afterwards and that was when they jumped me. They put me in the back of this big van, and I thought I was alone at first, but I realized Mr. Barba was there with me,” you explained. He prompted you to continue your story, “We attempted to call Lieutenant Benson with my phone, but one of the men caught us, James, and he broke Mr. Barba’s arm,” 

“Why didn’t you try to escape after that?” Cutter asked. 

“We feared for our lives. There were three of them, and Mr. Barba was injured. I was trying to keep us both alive,” you explained, and he asked you to continue your story again, “They locked us in this dark basement, and there was just a mattress down there. They left, and when they came back, they started to drag me from the room, but Mr. Barba told them to take him instead,” 

“And what did you hear after that?” Cutter asked. 

“I heard Mr. Barba screaming, the defendants laughing, and then I heard noises like they were raping him. He screamed a lot, begged them to stop,” you said softly, “And then he came back in the room and his clothes were all torn up, he was covered in blood, and all he had on was a pair of boxer briefs and torn dress shirt. There were bruises all over his thighs, and blood and fluid everywhere. He threw up,” 

“And why didn’t you try to escape then?” he asked. 

“We were in a little room with no way out. I checked everything,” you explained, and then again he asked you to continue, “The next day, they came back and tried to take me again, but Mr. Barba again stepped in to protect me. This time they tied to me to chair and forced me to watch. They handcuffed him, and James touched him, forced his fingers inside of Mr. Barba, and then he forced himself inside of him, but uh,” you glanced at Rafael who’s gaze was on the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks, “He said that they had ‘loosened him up’ a lot and he changed his mind. After that Brad and James raped him together, at the same time, and Charlie forced himself in Mr. Barba’s mouth,” 

“And you were there the whole time during that?” Cutter asked. 

“Yes, afterwards we both were back in the room, and Rafael was a mess. He was in and out of consciousness. He was crying, and I felt awful for him. We were both terrified. The next time they came into the room, James was angry. He told Mr. Barba that he had to have sex with me. Mr. Barba tried to refuse, he didn’t want to hurt me, but James insistent. He threatened us, and I told Mr. Barba to do what he said,” you said softly. 

“Did he?” Cutter asked. 

“We did as he asked, and he forced Mr. Barba to be very rough, to choke me, and I passed out. Then I woke up, and the next time they came in James said Charlie and Brad wanted their turn, so Rafael volunteered himself to go. I could only hear them again, and they were laughing and hurting him. He was screaming. It sounded like they used some sort of foreign object to assault him,” you said, not allowing yourself to look in Rafael’s direction. You knew he was probably very emotional, and you needed to keep your cool. 

“What brought you to that conclusion?” he asked. 

“I heard Charlie say, ‘Do you think he could take this?’ and then Brad laughed and Mr. Barba was screaming and begging them to stop. James tried to get them to stop,” you explained, 

“And how did you get out of there?” Cutter asked. 

“Well Rafael passed out for awhile, and James and them left. James left the door open for us. I got Mr. Barba’s phone and went upstairs because there was no service in the basement. I called Lieutenant Benson, and she directed an ambulance to us. Mr. Barba had to have surgery, and I required minimal treatment,” you said. 

“Thank you, no further questions,” Cutter said. You took a deep breath, trying to collect yourself. You still needed to survive cross and then you were finished.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter like I promised! Let me know what you think :)

“Detective,” Buchanan’s voice was amicable as he stood up, “How are you today?” 

“Alright I guess,” you said softly. 

“I only have a few questions for you. First as the defendants started to take you into the other room, can you tell me what exactly they said?” He asked. You shifted around in your seat, wondering where the hell he was going with this. 

“Uh, I believe James said something about having fun with me,” you said softly. 

“And what did you take that to mean?” He asked. 

“Um, I believed they were going to rape me or sexually assault me in some way,” You replied. You were worried. 

“And then Mr. Barba asked them to take him instead?” Buchanan asked. 

“Yes, but he—” you started to say. 

“He asked them to take him, so wouldn’t that mean he wanted to go with them?” Buchanan asked. 

“No—he,” 

“Yes or no. Did he or did he not ask them to take him with them?” Buchanan asked. 

“Yes,” You said softly. 

“So the defendants heard Mr. Barba request to go have sex with them instead of you?” He asked. 

“He had no choice,” you argued. 

“Oh but he did, he could have chosen to stay in that room,” Buchanan argued, “He could have let them take you, but instead he asked them to go instead,” You opened our mouth to say something, but he cut you off, “No further questions,” 

“Redirect your honor,” Cutter said, standing up, “What was the alternative to either of you having sex with the defendants?”

 

“Some sort of serious bodily harm, death. James threatened our lives more than once,” you replied.

“And please tell me, based on your career with sex crimes, according to the law, can consent be revoked at any point?” he asked. 

“Yes,” you said simply, 

“And did Mr. Barba ever say no?” he asked.

“Multiple times, he begged them to stop,” you replied. 

“So even if Mr. Buchanan’s ridiculous attempt to conjure up consent held true, Mr. Barba still would have revoked consent later, and it would still be considered rape?” Cutter clarified.

“That is correct,” he replied. 

“Thank you,” Cutter said, sitting down. 

“Due to the extreme emotional stress of the victim statements, I think we’ll call it a day and pick up tomorrow 9 am with Mr. Barba’s testimony,” the judge said. You were grateful to be done, and you wiped at the tears that had started to leak from your eyes. When you stood up, you looked to the gallery and Rafael’s seat was vacated. Liv was gone too, but Sonny came forward to meet you as you stepped down, wrapping an arm around your back. 

“Hey, you did great up there,” he said softly, but you felt awful. You couldn’t believe Buchanan was trying to argue that Rafael consented. You needed to find him and make sure he was alright. “Rafael left in the middle of cross,” he told you like he read your mind. You went out the doors, wiping your eyes again, and he wasn’t there either. You were worried. When you got outside into the crisp air, you saw him sitting at the top of the courthouse steps which startled you considering he usually kept his suits impeccably clean and found the ground obviously incredibly disgusting, but there he was, curled in on himself, Liv sitting beside him, trying to calm him down. You took a step towards him, 

“Raf,” you said softly. He picked his head up, looking back at you. 

“I’m sorry,” you both said at the same time, 

“What the hell are you sorry for?” he asked, and you frowned. 

“I just made you look awful up there. I’m so sorry,” you said, but he gave you a stern look, 

“Don’t say things like that. It was Buchanan. I just can’t believe they are trying to say I wanted that, and I’m sorry I ducked out of there so fast, but I couldn’t listen to that. I feel like I’m gonna have a panic attack,” he whispered, sort of curling in again. 

“Let’s get you out of here Rafael,” you said softly, and Liv nodded. He was shaking as he stood. “We know you didn’t want that, and I think the jury saw that too Rafael. He’s trying to get around on a technicality,” 

“It takes one juror Y/N, just one,” he whispered, and you hated the tears that were dripping from his cheeks. You grabbed for his hand, 

“Rafael, look at me. We have so many more people to get on the stand. They are not going to believe that you wanted what happened to you. Not with how much physical damage was actually done,” you told him, squeezing slightly. “Now let’s go back to your house and watch a movie,” 

…………………………………….

Rafael came into his room, his white tee shirt sticking to his skin by the leftover water from his shower. He crawled into bed beside you, sitting a few inches away. He was stiff and seemed distracted and fidgety. His eyes were on the television, hand twisting into the blankets on his bed. You weren’t sure if he wanted to be left alone or if he needed you, so you kept quiet, scared to startle or upset him. You couldn’t take the way he was shivering tho, his hands shaking almost constantly, so you gently laid a hand on his arm. That seemed to do it, and he immediately threw himself into your arms. You pulled him close, his arms winding around your midsection. His hair was damp, dripping onto your arm, but you didn’t care. He made himself small, curled up on your lap like a puppy, and he pressed his face against your shirt. He was immediately shaking with sobs, and you smoothed some hair back, trying to comfort him. He obviously needed the release, so you let him have it, rubbing his back. “M’Sorry,” he mumbled, “M’sorry. I can’t stop,” 

“Shhh, I know, hey shhh,” you whispered, “You can cry all you want. Don’t apologize,” He sniffled, curling his arms into his body, and shutting his eyes. You stroked his hair some more, fingers trailing down his neck and to his back where you just grazed your nails over his skin, “Try to relax a little bit,”

“Y/N,” he murmured wetly, “I can’t breathe, this is all too much,”

“I know it’s hard, but you can do this,” you assured him, scratching his scalp lightly. He was so broken, so small, and you just wanted to protect him from further harm. “You’re alright, just take deep breaths. That’s it,” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m trying to stop, but I’m gonna get up there tomorrow and Buchanan is gonna say I liked it, and Brad and Charlie are gonna sit there and laugh,” You didn’t know what to say because he was right. Buchanan was going to to say he asked them to do that to him, and Charlie and Brad would probably think it was hilarious, getting some sort of perverse pleasure from his pain. 

“You just need to tell the truth Rafael, and it’ll work out,” you whispered. He sniffled, looking awful. 

“I’m tired. I’m tired of telling people. I’m tired of being fucked over. I’m tired of all this,” he whispered. You dragged your fingers through his hair once more, and he shifted around again so he was looking up at the ceiling. You started rubbing his shoulders, 

“I know you’re tired, but it’s almost over. Tomorrow, you need to make it through your testimony, and I know you can do it Rafael,” you whispered, “And afterwards, it will all be over,” All you wanted to do was to make him feel better. “I’m right here,” you whispered. 

“It won’t be over if they don’t go to jail,” he whispered, “And it won’t be over if they get out in five years,” 

“They won’t go to jail if you don’t testify,” you replied. Rafael shook his head, closing his eyes and looking a touch green. 

“I hate this,” he murmured, 

“I do too Raf,” you said. He turned his attention to the tv for a few minutes before his phone started to ring. He rolled over with a sigh, picking it up, 

“Hello?” he said, and then paused for a little bit. “What do you mean they sent me to collections? No. No. The insurance--Oh my god the insurance should have covered it. They denied my claim? Why? No. I have a prescription,” he said, pausing then. He seemed very upset, fuming as he spoke on the phone. “What the hell? No,” he covered his face, “That’s completely ridiculous. Yes I’d like to appeal, are you deaf or something?” You rubbed his arm, desperately trying to calm him down. He was so tense, his face reddening. “Yes whatever, you can call me back,” He hung up, letting the phone fall beside him, and covering his face with a groan. 

“You want to talk about it?” you asked softly. 

“Medical costs are so expensive,” he whispered, “I never knew just how expensive until recently. My insurance covers a lot, but lately they’ve been screwing me over with the physical therapy. I need it. The doctor said I need it, and they won’t just take his word. Their bullshit panel of doctors looked at my file for probably ten seconds and decided to deny my insurance claims for the last maybe twelve visits, and I’m seeing one of the more expensive therapists in the city. The bill is massive. They’re also arguing about my last surgery, and it’s just so frustrating,” You started to massage his scalp, and his mouth dropped open, the tension leaving his face, 

“That is completely ridiculous, I agree,” you whispered, and he pressed into your touch, “Maybe you should call a lawyer, or you could sue them for civil damages after this. Make them pay for your medical costs,” you suggested. His eyes fluttered shut, and his jaw was lax, 

“W-Why does that feel so good?” he asked breathlessly. 

“The pressure points help relieve the tension,” you explained, and he leaned more into your touch, “Turn over, I’ll rub your back again,” He eagerly sat up and rid himself of his shirt, laying on his stomach. You worked his muscles, fingers pressing in right around his spine, “Try to relax,” 

“Ah, I’m just so mad,” he whispered. 

“I think I can fix that,” you replied with a laugh. You kissed the base of his neck, trying to get him to relax and calm down. You massaged his traps, working the knots out, moving up his neck and pressing in little circles, fingers ghosting across his jaw. When you reached his lower back, pressing in at the slight indent. You hesitated before touching his thighs, but he didn’t jerk away when you started massaging his hamstrings, moving up to his glutes and he laid still and let it happen. He looked completely relaxed on the bed, so you kept going, up and down his legs, rubbing his calves and then his feet. When you finished, you saw he was gripping a pillow tightly, but otherwise he looked completely relaxed, like he was a puddle on top of his covers. 

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, looking at you through one eye, “That felt incredible, and uh I have a slight situation,” he slowly sat up, revealing the bulge that was growing in his boxers. 

“Do you want me to…” you trailed off, but he just shook his head. 

“I’m fine. Let’s just lay down. I want to go to sleep. Will you stay tonight?” he said softly, and you nodded, 

“Of course I’ll stay.”


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here is a long chapter that i spent forever on. I'm gonna answer comments tomorrow morning because I'm so tired rn. let me know what you guys think!

Rafael was clinging to you in the back of Liv’s car. She had offered to drive you two because you didn't want to have to drive afterwards if you or Rafael were terribly upset. He looked so handsome in his light grey suit. He was wearing blue today, a light shirt, a dark tie and dark suspenders. You stroked your hand through his thick hair, careful not to mess up the careful coif he’d spent a half hour on. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispered. 

“I know you’re scared Rafael, but I know you can,” you told him. He snuggled up against you, his eyes shut. You rubbed his back as he lay in your lap. Liv pulled up near the courthouse, and you held Rafael’s hand as he got out of the car. He stood at the bottom of the steps, working up the courage to go inside. The media started to cme over, and you kept a protective arm around him, 

“Mr. Barba, how do you respond to the defense’s claim that you consented?” one of the reporters asked, and you rolled your eyes, 

“No comment,” you said for him, “Neither Mr. Barba or I are taking any questions today. Please respect our privacy as we deal with this very tough time,” He just kept his head down, starting to push through the mob of media. They ignored your request of course, acting like the vultures they were and bombarding Rafael with questions. You kept an arm around his back as you shoved through people, and then Liv went out in front of you, helping to get past them. Rafael was in tears by the time you were inside. 

“Why can’t they just leave me alone?” He whispered, wiping his eyes. You squeezed him softly, brushing the tears from his cheeks, 

“Because they’re disgusting Rafael,” you murmured, “This is almost over though,” 

“I’m gonna be sick,” he whispered, shutting his eyes. 

“Okay, let’s sit down for a few minutes then,” you whispered. He nodded and took a seat on a bench, “You’re gonna make it through this. I promise. I won’t leave you at all,” 

“I’m gonna say thing up there that I haven’t even told you,” he said softly. 

“I know, but they need to hear everything. Every detail,” you told him, “They need to see how much they hurt you, and they’ll understand it wasn’t consensual,” 

“I don’t know Y/N, I’m so scared they’re just gonna let them go, and I’ll never feel safe again,” he whispered. You stroked his cheek, 

“Look at me. They aren’t going to get away with this. I promise Rafael,” you leaned your forehead against his, and he started to calm down some. You gripped his hand, trying to get him to relax and get mentally ready for what he was about to do. “Talk to me Raf, what do you need right now?” 

“I-I could use some water,” he whispered. You got him a water bottle and he sipped at that while he waited for it to be time. When they called him into testify, you held his hand, walking him into the room. He limped up to the stand, taking a seat, and you hated the scared look on his face as he took the oath. You sat in the front row of the gallery, watching him sit up there, his eyes glued on the floor, his hand nervously tapping. You peeked over at Charlie and Brad. Charlie was grinning, looking up at Rafael, and Brad looked distracted. Cutter stood up, taking a step forward, 

“Good morning Rafael,” he said softly, “I’m gonna need to talk with you about what happened four months ago. You think you can do that?” Rafael’s eyes were wide, but he managed a soft response. 

“Y-Yes,” he said. 

“Alright, where were you the night of the incident?” he asked. Rafael fiddled with his sleeve. 

“I was at the SVU precinct with Y/N, and uh, I left first,” he replied softly. He looked so uncomfortable and scared. 

“Can you please tell me what happened after that?” he asked. 

“Um,” Rafael looked down, emotion starting to overtake him, “Three men jumped me when I saw half way down the street. Both the defendants and another man named James. Um--they smacked my head into the concrete,” he had to wipe his eyes, “And they put me in this truck. I was in there for awhile before Y/N showed up, and we tried to call Lieutenant Benson, but they caught us, and I told them it was my phone so they broke my arm,” 

“Can you please tell the court why you said it was your phone?” Cutter asked, and Rafael paused again, trying to keep himself calm. Tears were dripping down his cheeks, and it broke your heart to see him so nervous. He looked awful, like he was going to throw up. 

“I wanted to protect Y/N,” he answered, “I didn’t want to let her get hurt,” 

“And what happened after they broke your arm?” he asked. 

“Uh, they drove for awhile, and then they dragged us down to this little basement with one mattress. They left me tied up, but freed Y/N. They left us alone for awhile, but when they came back, they started to drag Y/N away, and the way they were talking--I was scared they were going to rape her so I--I told them to take me instead. I wanted to protect her, and they were going to hurt us or kill us otherwise, so I just did what I had to,” Rafael explained, 

“On a regular basis, if you were presented with the opportunity to have sex with the three of them, would you have said yes?” Cutter asked. 

“No,” Rafael said, wiping at his face again. 

“So it was the threat of bodily harm, the threat to you both that caused you to volunteer to go in Detective Y/L/N’s place?” Cutter clarified.

“That is correct,” Rafael said softly. 

“Can you please tell me what happened next?” he asked, and Rafael sniffled for a few minutes. When he looked up, getting ready to answer, the door opened in the back of the courtroom. He jerked up, his eyes growing wide, and you looked over your shoulder, seeing his mother. You felt your heart drop, and you knew he was going to freak out. Why had she come when she knew he didn't want her to? You felt angry to an extent. While you understood she just wanted to do what she thought was best, he was already having such a hard time with the idea of testifying, and Lucia disregarded the only thing that he wanted to happen. He only asked that his mother wouldn’t be there, and you understood him not wanting her to hear about the disgusting things the three men had done to him. She was his mother. No one would want their mother to have to picture them like that. You looked up to Rafael, and he was frozen in his seat, his eyes wide as you’d ever seen them. “Mr. Barba?” Cutter prompted, but Rafael didn’t respond. Tears started flowing even harder, and his chest was heaving. “Mr. Barba, are you alright?” Cutter looked back at you, and you jerked your head toward Lucia. “Um, your honor, approach?” he asked softly. He took a step up to the bench and whispered with the judge for a few minutes, Buchanan standing there with a smirk on his face. You wanted to deck him so badly. 

“Mr. Barba, we’re gonna take a twenty minute break,” the judge said softly, “When you come back, you’re going to have to answer all the questions,” her voice was gentle, like she felt bad for Rafael which you appreciated. Even when the judge adjourned for awhile, Rafael didn’t move. You cautiously approached the stand, trying not to startle or upset him. He looked like he was in a trance, his chest heaving with laboured breaths, his eyes red and tears streaking his face. 

“Raf,” you said softly, “Hey, it’s just me. Can you look at me?” He took a few minutes, but slowly he was able to direct his gaze on your face. “That’s it, deep breaths. Try to calm down. It’s alright,” 

“W-Why is she here?” he whispered, and you reached out and stroked his arm, 

“Let’s go find out. Can you get down? We can go get a drink, so you can relax until you need to start again okay?” you said softly, and he nodded. You didn’t like how hard he was breathing. He looked terrible, and you knew he was fighting with himself to stay calm. You put an arm around his shoulders, easing him forward. A few of the jurors were still in the room, watching you both carefully. “Just breathe right now, you’re alright. It’s gonna be okay,” 

“I--I can’t,” he whispered, “My chest,”

“Shhh, just try to breathe,” you told him. You got him out the door and found an empty side room where he could sit and pull himself together. Once he was in a more private area, he let go, breaking down. He sobbed and shook, breathing so hard his face was red. You rubbed his back softly, trying to shush him, and you texted Liv, letting her know where you were. She showed up a few minutes later, knocking on the door softly. She set some tissues down on the table for him, and he took them, mopping up the tears on his face. His skin looked irritated and puffy, ad you just wanted to hug him until it was better. You rubbed his arm gently, “I’m gonna go talk to your Mom, I’ll be outside if you need me okay?” 

“Kay,” he mumbled, looking miserable. You slipped out the door after bowing him a soft kiss. There was his mother, and you felt angry. You tried to keep yourself calm though as you walked up to her, 

“Lucia, what are you doing here?” you asked. 

“I know he doesn’t want me here, but I want to be here with him. I want to be here for him. He looks so scared, and he doesn’t have to do this on his own,” she said, and you felt your heart soften a bit.

“I understand that you want to be here for your son,” you said softly, “But what he has to talk about up there is going to be the hardest thing he’ll ever do probably. He can’t take the extra stress,” 

“I want to talk to him myself,” she said softly, and you sighed, unsure if that was a good idea. You opened the door, showing her into the room where he was sitting, “Raf,” she said softly, and he looked up from where he was glaring at the table. 

“Mami,” he whispered, “Why are you here? I asked you not to come,” 

“I know you did Rafael, but I want to be here to support you,” she told him, carding her fingers through his hair. 

“Please go Mom, you don’t know--you don’t understand,” he whispered, but you could tell she wasn’t going anywhere. 

“You just get up there Rafael, and you tell the truth. I am going to be just as proud of you as I always am,” she said softly, kissing his cheek before leaving the room. He looked at you, tears filling his eyes again. 

“I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispered, “Not with her in the room,” 

“I think you’re gonna have to Raf,” you said, “You’re gonna be held in contempt otherwise. You can do this. I know you can,” He sat there for another five minutes, his head down until he finally wiped his eyes and stood up. 

“I guess I have no choice,” he murmured. You pulled him close, stroking his back for a few minutes, 

“Let’s go, you can do this,” you told him. He was shaking even harder than before as he approached the court room. You rubbed his back some more, nudging him back into the room. He sniffled, scrubbing at his eyes and going back up to the stand. Lucia sat beside you, and you held her hand. Rafael looked terrified up there. 

“Alright Mr. Barba, can you please tell me what happened after you volunteered to take Detective Y/L/N’s place?” Cutter asked, standing up. Rafael composed himself for a second, and he looked toward you, his eyes full of fear like he wanted so desperately to leave. You wished you could get him out of there. He looked down for a second,

“T-They took me into this other room. There was just a mattress in there, and um the defendants shoved me down onto it. My arms were still restrained behind my back and the one man, James--he started dragging me up and kissing me, and the other two started tearing at my clothes. They ripped my pants off and hit me a couple times. James f-forced himself inside of me, and he was very rough. I started screaming,” he shot a despairing look at you, tears escaping his eyes again. Lucia was crying too, and you squeezed her hand. “It hurt so bad. They didn’t use any lube, and it just hurt so bad. Brad and Charlie took turns forcing themselves into my mouth. It went on forever. I have no idea how many times. I zoned out, but then they were beating me and laughing at me, and I was naked. They finally cut the zip ties, but they just kept going,” he was on the brink of sobbing, and you felt tears dripping down your cheeks as well. 

“Would you like a glass of water Mr. Barba?” Cutter asked, and Rafael nodded. He wiped at his eyes, sipping the cool liquid for a few minutes. “Alright, when the assault ended, what happened?” 

“I was bleeding everywhere. I was dazed, and they walked back back to the room, shoved me down on the mattress with Y/N, and James kissed me again, and then they finally left us alone,” he answered. 

“And the next time they came in?” Cutter prompted. Rafael looked down again, 

“They tried to take her again, and I couldn’t--I knew what they were capable of. I couldn’t let them do that to her too. I didn’t want her to get hurt, so I told them to take me,” he replied, “And they did, but they made her watch,” 

“What happened in that room?” Cutter asked, and Rafael started sobbing. His hitching breaths were breaking your heart.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, sniffling, “Uh--Oh god--James asked me if I was going to be a good boy for him, and he said only good boys got lube. He made me say it. They cuffed me to a pole, and James forced his fingers inside of me, and he made me spread my legs for him. Then he was inside me again, and everything still hurt so bad from before, but I just tried to take it. He started making comments to humiliate me. He said I was too loose and pulled out. I knew something bad was going to happen,” he whispered. He sat there for a few minutes, collecting himself. He looked absolutely awful, shutting his eyes and biting his lip. His hands were so tense on the wood, his knuckles were turning white. 

‘I know this is hard Mr. Barba, but can you please continue?” Cutter asked. Rafael sniffled, but nodded. 

“James forced me to be on top, and um--Brad shoved in beside him. Both of them, at the same time, and I just shut my eyes and tried to pretend I was somewhere else. It hurt so bad. I remember looking at Y/N, and just trying to breathe, but then Charlie forced himself into my mouth,” he explained, trembling. 

“Alright, and after that?” Cutter prompted. 

“Brad wanted more. After James left, he wanted to go again, but there was a loud noise and James came back down and took me to the shower instead. I passed out when I got back in the room. I was mentally and physically wiped out,” he said softly, “The next time they came in was the worst. James forced me to have sex with Y/N, and he made me choke her until she passed out. Then he--then he forced me to give him a blow job. He was pulling my hair and forcing himself down my throat and choking me,” 

“And after that?” he asked. 

“The last time James came in, he told me that one of us needed to go out there because Brad and Charlie wanted their turn, and after what happened, I knew I needed to be the one. I needed to protect Y/N especially after I’d hurt her, so he took me out there again, and Brad and Charlie beat me viciously. They took turns, sometimes just one, sometimes one in my mouth, one behind. After that went on for awhile, I was laying on the floor, and Charlie went behind me. There was a broken pipe in the corner and he picked it up and looked at Brad. he asked if Brad thought I could take the pipe and they laughed and high fived. James tried to stop them, but Charlie shoved it inside me and I screamed and it was so cold. I couldn’t do anything but just lay there and scream. I think I blacked out,” he said. You were crying substantially at that point, and you couldn’t even bring yourself to look at Lucia. The jury looked horrified, and Rafael was sobbing, refusing to look up, but he was a soldier, trekking through the testimony anyways. “Everything hurt, and I-I just remember people everywhere, touching me, and then I was in the hospital and I had to have surgery,” 

“And how many subsequent surgeries did you need?” Cutter asked. Rafael managed to calm down a little bit at that point, the questions easing up. 

“Five,” he said softly, “Five total. I uh had an infection and there was just so much damage they had to repair. I had a colostomy and then a hernia. Now I’m still out of work. I have to do physical therapy three times a week. I’m having to battle with insurance to get my medical care covered. I have to walk with this cane,” 

“Thank you Mr. Barba, no further questions,” cutter said sitting down. Buchanan started to stand up, but the judge shook her head, 

“That’s more than enough for today. It’s getting late. Tomorrow you can continue with your cross Mr. Buchanan,” she said. He looked like he wanted to argue, but he held his tongue. You stood up, racing up to meet Rafael, and he let you wrap your arms around him. He seemed like a shell of himself, walking like a zombie toward the exit. You got him into Liv’s car, but on the way to his house, he cut in, 

“Can we go to your place?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “I can’t look her in the eyes anymore,” 

“Rafael, listen to me, you have nothing to be ashamed of,” you said softly, but he was insistent. You relented, and Liv dropped you off at your apartment. Rafael looked exhausted as he stripped out of his clothes. He stepped under the warm spray of the shower, and you left him to it. Once he finished, he came out to the couch, looking at the floor. “Are you okay?” 

“Hardly,” he whispered, but he did look better. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” you asked, but he shook his head. 

“All I can think about is the trial and what they did, and what Buchanan is going to ask me tomorrow,” he said, dropping down beside you. You wrapped your arms around him when he leaned against you, 

“You did so good up there today. You should be very proud of yourself,” you whispered. He didn’t respond. “You’re gonna be alright Rafael. We’re so close to the end of this,” 

“I hope so,” he whispered, sniffling, “I’m so glad I have you to help me through this,” 

“I’m glad that out of all this, we’ve ended up together,” you murmured against his hair, and he nodded. 

“Me too Y/N,” he whispered. He sniffled again, his hand starting to stroke over your stomach as you held him. “You know I only go through any of what happened because I knew you were there, and I knew I was keeping you safe. I had feelings for you for a long time before that,” 

“I had feelings for you as well Raf. It was just a matter of time before we did something about it,” you whispered, “I’ve cared about you for forever,” 

“I can’t--I hate remembering any of this. It hurt so bad,” he whispered, “I need to forget,” then he was looking at you, his hand shaking as he touched your hair, “Is this okay?” he asked, and you nodded. He kissed you softly, cupping your cheek and pressing you back against the arm of the couch. His lips were soft, his hands gentle as they cupped your cheek, thumb brushing over your skin. He was so gentle with you, his hair falling into his face a little bit. He started pressing his tongue into your mouth, past your lips and you arched up against his body. He pulled back, pressing his lips to your jaw and toward your ear, “Mm, you’re so gorgeous. I want to--I want to make some new memories. Something to help me forget what they did,” 

“Okay Raf, what do you want?” you asked. He didn’t answer right away. He pressed his lips to yours again, shorter kisses this time, but still hungry. His hand stroked your shoulder, and you sighed as he rolled his hips against your leg. 

“I--I still don’t know,” he whispered, “I don’t think I can go the whole way,” he said, still kissing your neck and jaw softly, his hands touching the smooth skin of your stomach. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking frustrated and ashamed of himself. 

“Raf, don’t apologize. I don’t know if I could do it either right now,” you told him, stroking his hair. 

“What if we tried something….slower,” he whispered, and you nodded, pushing him back against the couch gently. You watched his face intently, shuffling between his legs. He looked surprised, gulping slightly, “You don’t have to do that,” he said softly, “Really, you don’t,” 

“Are you okay if I do?” you asked, and he nodded. He leaned back against the couch, and you pulled his boxers down off of his hips. He groaned, his hips jerking forward when you wrapped your fingers around him. He was half hard, but rapidly approaching full mast. 

“I--Ah--I’ll do you afterwards,” he said breathlessly as you pumped him gently a few times. 

“I’m okay Rafael,” you said softly. You still felt uncomfortable in your own skin sometimes, and you weren’t really worried about getting off at the moment. You did, however, want to make him feel good. 

“Are--oh god-” he paused, tailing off into a groan when you kissed the head of his cock, “Are you sure?” You just nodded, taking him into your mouth and hollowing your cheeks as you applied some gentle suction. He was fighting with himself to keep his hips on the couch, and his hands were turning white as he clutched at the cushions. You worked your way down his cock, tongue dragging across the veins on the underside. “Jesus christ Y/N, fuck,” he breathed. You alternated soft licks and deep suction, and he was struggling desperately to keep himself still. Your hands ghosted over his stomach, relaxing his muscles, hands massaging his thighs. You pulled off for a second to catch your breath, pumping him in the meantime,

“You can touch my hair,” you told him softly, and he nodded, his hips starting to rise to meet your hand. You took him back into your mouth then, gently fondling his balls and he groaned. His eyes were screwed shut, and he was tensing in waves, thrusting gently, controlling himself. “Thank you,” he whispered, his hand finally tangling in your locks gently. He stroked circles on your temple with the pad of his thumb, and then he was coming hotly, and you swallowed. He was slack on the couch then, and you moved up to the couch beside him, wiping your mouth. You gently tucked him back into his boxers. “Jesus,” he whispered, “That was incredible. Thank you,” He whispered. His eyes were dark, and he looked so relaxed. He pulled you close and you laughed as his arms wound around you. 

“Let’s go to my bed,” you said softly, “We can cuddle there,” He nodded sleepily, following you again, like a zombie, but this time he looked much happier and much more relaxed.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here's the next chapter. Hope you guys like it! Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!

You woke up, the sky still fairly dark, Rafael’s face pressed into your chest. His strong arms were trapping you, holding you close. His hair was a mop of tangles, having dried poking out in all directions. You couldn’t help but laugh, smoothing it down as you stroked his hair. Court was starting a bit later, so you had time to stay in bed and snuggle with him for awhile. He was out, softly snoring, and not moving. Usually, he would wake up if you started moving, but at the moment, he was dead to the world. You rubbed some circles on his back, breathing in the smell of sage and smoke that was left over from his cologne. You felt like you could lay there forever with him and be happy. You had no worries. The outside world felt like it was miles away, and all that existed was the soft rise and fall of Rafael’s chest and warm, woodsy scent of his cologne filling the air. His skin was warm where it was touching your own, his arms pressed tight to the bare skin of your stomach and sides, your shirt bunched up above his hold. He slept for another hour before he restlessly started shifting around, “No,” he mumbled, “Stop,” You weren’t sure if you should wake him up or try to coax him out of the nightmare. “No,” 

“Raf,” you whispered, making a decision, “Hey, wake up sweetheart. You’re okay,” He thrashed around slightly before his eyes flew open. He quickly regained his bearings, starting to calm down some, but tears filled his eyes. You held him close some more, rubbing his back again, “Shh, you’re alright. I’m right here,” 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Don’t apologize, it’s alright,” you promised. He laid quietly with you for awhile before he finally calmed down. You rubbed little circles on his skin, under his shirt, and you kissed the top of his head. “Are you hungry?” you asked, but he shook his head. 

“I just want to lay here with you,” he said, so you tightened your hold on him. He pressed a few soft kisses to your neck, “This is really nice,” he told you, shutting his eyes. “I love you,” 

“Love you too Raf,” you murmured, and he shifted up, starting press firmer pecks on your soft skin, trailing up your neck and to your jaw, and then his lips were on yours, and you were stroking your fingers through his hair as he braced himself up with an arm by your shoulder. 

“I wouldn’t be able to do this without you,” he murmured before kissing you again, his lips firm and moving gently against yours. “I’m so ready for all of this to be over, for us to start over, together,” 

“I know,” you whispered breathlessly, “Everything will get better after this. You’re getting so much better,” 

“I--I don’t know what I’m doing about work. It’s going to be awhile before I’ll feel well enough physically to get back at it,” he murmured, moving down to your neck again. You cupped the back of his head, shutting your eyes as his talented lips trailed over your skin, and he nipped and sucked as he spoke to you. You could barely focus on his words, the sensations overwhelming you. Your head still felt fuzzy from sleep, and his touches were electric, “Can I please do something for you?” He asked softly, “You’ve already gotten me off twice,” His hands were stroking down your sides now, and you wanted to say yes, but you couldn’t. You weren’t sure you could go through with it; you were scared. 

“I’m okay Rafael,” you said softly. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m fine,” 

“I know I don’t owe you anything, but I want to make you feel good,” he told you, “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine Raf, it’s nothing,” you said softly. His smile settles into a frown, and you felt bad, but you just needed some space to work through your own feelings before you tried to explain them to him. 

“Well, let’s watch some tv then,” he said softly. You nodded and he climbed off of you pulling you against his side, so your head rested on his chest. He stroked his fingers through your hair, looking down at you, like he was very worried. You hated making him worry, but you needed time to figure yourself out. He didn’t need your issues on top of his own, especially not before what he needed to face in court. “Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here,” he said softly, and you appreciated him being there for you. He laid there for a few minutes before he started to sit up, “Do you want to get a shower?”

“A couple more minutes?” you asked, and he nodded. You dragged yourself out of bed after you had your extra two or three minutes of being wrapped up in his arms under the covers. He started the shower, and when you climbed in, the warm water felt so nice. He sighed, climbing in after you. He kissed you softly a few times, lazily, a half asleep back and forth, him pressing you back into the wall. Water was rolling down his back, steam filling the air, and he was gentle, pulling back and getting some body wash. You took turns rubbing it into each other's skin, crowding each other's space. It was warm and comfortable, breathless. You washed your hair before you both decided you were finished, and you got out, wrapping a towel around yourself. Rafael dried himself off, disappearing wordlessly into the bedroom.. When he appeared, he was half dressed, an undershirt and some boxer briefs on. 

“I’m gonna make breakfast, you just get back in that bed,” he whispered, kissing you one more time. 

“Are you sure?” you asked. He was the one who was about to be put through the ringer, but he was insisting on taking care of you. You let him. You laid back in your bed after putting on some clothes, and after about half a tv show, Rafael appeared with pancakes and some coffee. He crawled back under the covers beside you, and handed you a plate. “Thank you,” you whispered, and he just smiled and pressed his lips to your temple before he started eating his own food. 

“Later is gonna be okay,” he whispered, and you knew he was trying to convince himself. You put a hand on his wrist, trying to comfort him, 

“It’s gonna go fine. You just have to tell the truth,” you told him, “And I know you can do it. I’m gonna be there the whole time,” 

“So is my Mom,” he said bitterly. You stroked his arm, feeling bad for him. 

“You’re gonna have to talk to her about this eventually,” you told him. 

“Yeah well, she definitely made sure of that. I didn’t want her to know,” he whispered, “And now she’s never gonna be able to look at me right again,” 

“Raf, she’s your mother. She wants to take care of you,” you told him, “Maybe you should let her,” His face was red tinged. 

“Yeah well, I don’t think I want to talk to her right now,” he said softly. 

“Okay baby,” you said softly, and he smiled at you tensely. He looked extremely upset, the sadness showing in his eyes. He finished his food, and then he was staring at the blanket until his phone started ringing. He pulled it out, answering. 

“Hello? Yes,” he said softly, “Jesus Christ, you’ve got to be kidding me. Do I need to call a lawyer about this? I will sue you into the ground, yes I’m serious. This is getting ridiculous. No. Don’t put me on hold. I’m hanging up. I’ll set up a meeting with you later. I’m serious,” He hung up the phone, tossing it on the bed beside himself. 

“You okay?” you asked softly. He sighed, 

“They’re being completely ridiculous. I’m gonna get some sort of lawyer and take care of this insurance issue. I’m sick of it,” he said softly, “I’m so tired of dealing with bullshit,” 

“I know Raf,” you said softly, “I’m so sorry,” Rafael shut his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. 

“After this is over, we should go on vacation. I want to go to the beach or to Paris or something. I just need to get away from here,” he whispered, 

“Okay Rafael, I’m sure you and I can figure something out. Come here,” you murmured, opening your arms for him. He leaned against you, and you wrapped your arms around him. You kissed his hair, “Everything is gonna be okay, listen to me, everything is going to be alright. I promise. I love you,” He started to cry, shaking and sobbing softly into your arms, 

“I’m scared,” he whispered, “I’m just scared,” 

“I know you are, but you can do this. It’s going to be okay,” you told him, and he calmed down quickly. He got out of bed slowly, wiping his eyes before dressing himself in the spare suit he had brought over a few days before. He carefully tied his tie, buttoning up his vest and tying his shoes. He did his hair and you put on some nice clothes. Then it was time to go to court. Rafael held tight to your hand in the cab, and when you got to the courthouse, he limped up the steps, fighting to ignore the media once more. When he sat up on the stand, he looked down at you, and nodded, flashing you a soft smile, trying to put a brave face on. 

“Mr. Buchanan?” the judge said, and he stood up from the table, coming closer to Rafael. You hated Buchanan, the way he seemed to enjoy tormenting Rafael. You peeked over at the defense table, and Charlie was sitting back in his chair, smirking like the smug bastard that he was. 

“Alright Mr. Barba, just a few questions, okay?” he said softly. Rafael nodded, before peeking back out at you and seeing his other sitting there with you. He gulped softly, but he was puffing his chest out, trying to stay calm. “So, you said, when the defendants came into the room, you were afraid they were going to rape detective Y/L/N?” he asked, 

“That’s correct,” Rafael said softly. 

“And you agreed to go in her place?” he asked. 

“Yes, but--” he started to say, but Buchanan cut him off. 

“It’s a yes or no question, did you agree to have sex with the defendants in her place?” he asked, and Rafael took a deep breath, tears welling up in his eyes, 

“Yes,” he said softly, his voice cracking. 

“And according to the defendants, you were very affectionate with this third man, James,” he said.

“No I wasn’t,” Rafael replied, but Buchanan gave him a skeptical look. 

“They said the two of you kissed repeatedly, and when you were having sex with both James and Brad, you had an erection?” Buchanan said, and Cutter rose immediately, 

“Objection your honor,” he said, but the damage had already been done. Rafael’s face was beet red, and he was nervously toying with his cufflink. 

“Withdrawn, let me ask you another question, have you ever been in a relationship with another man?” Buchanan asked. 

“Objection,” Cutter said again.

“Have you had anal sex before?” Buchanan just kept going, and then tears were rolling down Rafael’s cheeks, and he looked awful. 

“Your honor, Mr. Buchanan is trying to not only introduce evidence that violates rape shield, but he is trying to humiliate Mr. Barba,” Cutter said, 

“Agreed,” the judge immediately replied, “Mr. Buchanan, watch yourself,” 

“If you don’t have any sort of relationship with this James man, please explain to me why he decided to testify for you and against his so called conspirators?” he asked. 

“Why don’t you ask him that?” Rafael bit back. 

“And Mr. Barba, why don’t you tell me why it took you over a month after your alleged assault to give the police your statement?” he asked. 

“I-I was embarrassed, upset, and I didn’t want to have to tell people who I work with what they did to me. I was trying to recover from major surgery,” he replied, wiping at the tears in his eyes, “And I felt guilty about what happened with Detective Y/L/N. I hurt her,” 

“That’s right, if you were the one who forced her, why aren’t you currently on trial for rape?” Buchanan asked. 

“Because I didn’t rape her,” he said softly, and you were so glad to hear those words from his mouth, “The defendants forced us to have sex, and I felt so guilty, but neither of us really had a choice in the matter,” 

“But immediately after being rescued, did you ask Lieutenant Benson to arrest you for rape?” Buchanan asked, and Rafael had to calm himself down for a second. 

“Yes I did,” he said, “I just--I felt so bad about everything. I still feel guilty, and I probably will for the rest of my life, but I didn’t rape her,”

“So let me get this straight, first you asked the defendants to have sex with you instead of Detective Y/L/N, but you’re claiming that’s rape, but when you forced her to have sex with you, that’s apparently all fine and dandy? Actually, withdrawn,” he said, “No further questions,” Rafael sat there for a few minutes, his head bowed as he shook with sobs. He managed to pull himself together though, and he looked up at you flashing you a soft smile. He got up himself, and started down towards you. As he walked by Buchanan, he shot him a smirk, and you wanted to laugh, but you knew he was putting on a mask, trying to stay strong. He walked with you out of the room, and to the front of the courthouse before he let himself cry again. 

“It’s all over Raf, you did so good,” you told him, “You did amazing,” you stroked his cheek gently. He nodded. 

“Rafi,” his mother’s voice was soft, and he turned to face her. 

“Are you happy now?” he asked, his voice low, “You got to hear all about how I asked them to rape me with a pipe or how I forced Y/N to have sex with me,” 

“Raf--” 

“No Mom, there’s a reason I didn’t want you there,” he bit, and then he stomped off, down the the steps, and you sighed, You had to go after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I am so excited that they announced Raúl is actually performing in the waves like OMG 45 dollars a ticket to see him. I am dead. I have like front row seats and i cannnnnoottt wait


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should hopefully provide you guys with some context for everything that's happened so far. 
> 
> I'm probably gonna disappear this weekend. Friday is the big move and I'll probably be crazy busy. If I find time though, I'll try to get a chapter out. We'll see. 
> 
> As always I hope you guys enjoy, and let me know what you think!

"Rafael, hey, slow down!” you called, racing after him down the stairs. He didn’t respond. He was shoving through media people, but then he tripped on a step and you raced down to where he was collecting himself on the ground. You were grateful that the media members weren’t swarming him, recognizing it would be completely disgusting to take pictures of him after he fell. You knelt down beside him, stroking his arm and easing him up to a sitting position. “Hey, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” he muttered, yanking his arm back, 

“Breathe Rafael, come on, it’s alright,” you told him, helping him up to his knees. He let you give him a hand, slowly getting up to his feet. He was wobbly, getting his cane under his weight. You kept a protective arm around his shoulders, easing him forward until you heard a camera snap behind you. Rafael froze, shutting his eyes and muttering something under his breath before turning around and smacking the camera out of the guy’s hand, sending it shattering on the ground,

“Stay away from me,” he practically growled. 

“Rafael, come on,” you said softly, handing the guy your card, “Call me. I’ll take care of that,” Rafael let you direct him away from the crowd and into a cab. He sat there, quietly, brooding, his anger simmering as he stared straight ahead. He was furious, and you could feel the rage practically coming off him in waves. You rubbed his arm gently, trying to calm him down, “Are you alright?” you asked. He shook his head, but the anger was quickly fading into tears. He leaned his head down on your shoulder, and you wrapped an arm around him. He was sobbing, his body quaking with the tears, and you held him close. “I know that was really, really hard, but it’s over now. You’re okay,” His breaths started to catch in his throat, and he was hiccuping. “Shhh, it’s okay now Raf,” 

“No it’s not,” he whispered, “It’s never gonna be okay,” 

“Hey,” you said softly, “Don’t say things like that. You’re doing so good. You did so well on the stand. I am so proud of you,” 

“Why? I’m a joke. They all think I wanted it or I liked it. He just had to talk about me having an erection. I didn’t want it, but he was touching me, and I was so scared,” he whispered, “I went soft then, I didn’t come,” 

“No one cares if you did Rafael. You can’t help the way your body reacted, and everyone knows you didn’t want it. I promise,” you murmured into his hair. You stroked your hand over his back, rubbing soft circles, trying to comfort him. “I know that you’re scared, but the jury saw Buchanan attack you today, and I don’t think they liked it,” 

“My Mom probably hates me,” he whispered, “Or thinks I’m some kind of pervert,”

“No she doesn’t Raf, listen to me. She was crying, she felt how much you were hurting,” you argued, stroking his arm again, and trying so hard to take care of him. You wanted to help him, but he was so upset, so distressed. 

“She was probably crying cause she thinks her only son likes being fucked by two guys at once,” he grumbled, and you sighed, wanting to fix his pain. 

“That’s not true Rafael,” you said softly. You stroked your fingers through his hair, holding him close, kissing his forehead. He was still crying, his chest heaving. It broke your heart. You guided him into your apartment when the car stopped, and you got him out of his clothes and into the shower where you just held him close. He pressed his face against your neck, and you swayed softly with him in your arms, rubbing his back. You scrubbed some soap into his skin and his hair, and then holding him until he stopped crying. He seemed numb, letting you get him out of the shower and dry him off. He was shivering, so you slipped the shirt over his head, and helped him to step into his boxers. He followed you to bed, climbing in and laying on his side, facing the wall. “Can I hold you?” you asked softly. He didn’t answer for a few minutes, but then he finally nodded, so you looped your arms around his waist, “It’s going to be alright,” you promised him, pressing your lips to his shoulder. He laid there tensely for awhile before he started sobbing again and you rocked him, trying to calm him down. “You’re okay Rafael. It’s all going to be okay,” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t apologize,” you said softly. “None of this is your fault,” 

“You don’t think my Mom hates me?” he asked, and you shook your head. 

“I think she loves you with all her heart,” you told him, “She knows you didn’t want that,” 

“You think so?” he whispered, 

“I know so Raf,” you promised. He rolled over, hiding his face against your shirt, and you stroked his hair again. “Now how about you get some sleep. Court starts early tomorrow,” 

…………………………………………………

When you woke up, Rafael half on top of you, his breathing soft against your neck. He had finally cried himself out the night before, drifting off in your arms. You eased yourself out from under him, wanting to allow him more rest. He looked exhausted. You went to the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee and making a light breakfast. When it was done, you went back to the bedroom and shook his shoulder lightly. He groaned, rolling over and looking at you blearily, “Hey,” you said softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered, “Time for court?” 

“Not yet Raf, I made you breakfast. Sit up,” you said softly. He did as you said, rubbing his eyes and holding his hand out for the plate. You handed him his breakfast and a mug of coffee. He sipped at it, looking at you thankfully. 

“I really don’t know what I’d do without you,” he said softly, and you smiled, kissing his cheek. 

“It’s mutual Raf,” you replied. You were happy that he seemed to be in a much better mood. He ate quietly, and then he got himself dressed, and you did too. He followed you out to a cab, and then you were back on the way to court, and Rafael was tense again. He held your hand the whole way in, and when he sat down. Liv was beside him, but his mother was thankfully nowhere to be found. You weren’t sure if he could handle it if she showed up again. You wrapped your arm around him, and he leaned in closer. 

“The people call James Sullivan,” Cutter said, and then Rafael was stiffening even more. James walked up, shooting you a soft smile, and Rafael looked like he was going to be sick. It was like every muscle was firing at the same time, 

“Everything is going to be alright Raf,” you told him, but he was shaking. After James was sworn in, Cutter stood up, taking a few steps forward, 

“Mr. Sullivan, can you please state for the court your involvement in the assault and kidnapping of Mr. Barba and Detective Y/L/N?” Cutter asked. James gulped softly before looking at the jury, 

“I--I planned it, and I raped Mr. Barba. I’ve plead guilty,” he replied after a few minutes. 

“And why would you do that?” he asked. 

“Um….I was approached by a man, his name was Alex Muñoz. He paid me to ‘teach Mr. Barba a lesson,’ and I needed the money,” James said softly. Rafael looked positively wrecked beside you, starting to sob, and you could hear him trying to hold it back, but he was losing the battle. Liv helped him up, and escorted him from the courtroom. 

“Give me some sort of a timeline of how this all went down please,” Cutter said. 

“I--I looked up Mr. Barba, and uh--I have this issue,” he said softly, twitching around uncomfortably, “I see a psychiatrist for it. I just--I get really attached to people sometimes, and it’s dumb. It’s cause of stuff that happened with my Dad….I’m sorry. I’m getting off topic,” he said running a nervous hand through his hair, “I basically stalked Mr. Barba. I followed him home from work, I watched him for a few weeks, and in order to fulfill my agreement with Mr. Muñoz, I decided to enlist Brad and Charlie to help me kidnap Mr. Barba. At first--at first I was just gonna beat him up, but he’s just so--I couldn’t help myself. He seemed to be very close with the detective, and I thought she may be a useful asset,” he whispered. He looked disgusted with himself, and you were starting to feel sick yourself. You were glad Rafael had left the courtroom. He didn’t need to hear this. “We grabbed them outside of the precinct, and um--I put them in the back of the truck. When we were driving, I found out they were trying to call for help, so I broke Mr. Barba’s arm. We left them in the basement. I was trying to stop myself, and I was going to rape the detective to try and hurt him, but then he asked me to take him, and I couldn’t stop. I raped him over and over again, and Brad and Charlie took turns in his mouth. The next day, he wanted to take the detective’s spot, and again, I just couldn’t stop myself. I was trying to do my job, so I had Brad help me,” he stopped for a second, looking down, “I’m so sorry about all of this,” he whispered, “I made him hurt the detective. I forced them to have sex because I knew it would break him, and then Brad and Charlie wanted their turn and it was already so out of control. They raped him too, and then Charlie grabbed the pipe, and I tried to stop him. I didn’t want him to hurt Rafael, but I couldn’t do anything. After it was all over, I carried him back to the room because he passed out, and I left the door unlocked so the detective could call for help once we left,” 

“And Mr. Sullivan, how did you know the defendants?” Cutter asked. 

“I’ve known them since high school,” he admitted, “And I’m testifying to day because I feel awful about what I did, and I just want to say I’m sorry. I want to try and make this right somehow,” 

“And when Mr. Muñoz hired you, how much money did he give you?” Cutter asked. 

“A hundred thousand. I gave Brad and Charlie twenty-five each,” he whispered, “Mr. Barba didn’t want any of that to happen. He begged us to stop,” 

“Thank you Mr. Sullivan, that will be all,” Cutter said. You got up, quietly making your way out of the courtroom to find Rafael. You spotted Liv standing outside the men’s room, her ear pressed up against the door. 

“He won’t come out,” she said softly. You knocked softly, 

“Rafael,” you said, but he didn’t answer, “Can I come in?” 

“Okay,” his voice was soft, just a whisper. You opened the door cautiously, and Rafael was huddled on the floor, his eyes red and bloodshot. He was curled up, crying, and hyperventilating. He looked like he was so confused, so hurt, and you didn’t blame him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Whatever for Rafael?” you asked, holding his hand, “You did nothing wrong,” 

“All of this happened because of me,” he whispered, putting his head down against his knees, “This is completely my fault,” 

“No it isn’t Rafael, it’s really not. I promise,” you told him softly, “You did nothing wrong,” 

“I thought he was my friend,” he whispered, “He was my best friend when we were kids, and he--he did this to me,” 

“I know,” you whispered, rubbing his shoulder, trying to keep him calm.

“I got him put in jail, I torpedoed his bid for mayor, and it was right. He committed the crimes, but then he did this to me. He hurt me so bad. Why did he do this to me?” he whispered, “We were friends,” 

“I don’t know Rafael, but now he’s gonna pay for this too. He’s gonna pay,” you told him. You pulled him close, and he started sobbing into your shirt. All you could do was promise him he’d be alright, but you weren’t sure if he was going to recover from this.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, we've reached the end finally. I'm gonna answer comments probably tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'll have new stuff coming out soon! Thanks for sticking with me throughout this and I hope you guys enjoyed! Thanks so much for reading, and let me know what you think.

Rafael wasn’t talking. He was just laying in bed, silent, staring at the wall. You sat beside him, rubbing soft circles on his side and trying to comfort him. At least he was letting you touch him. He was trying to be okay, you could see how hard he was trying, but he was struggling so much. “Raf,” you said softly. He didn’t answer. He just stayed still and sniffled. “Hey, I think a bath might feel good. Wanna come with me?” He didn’t move again for a couple seconds before he finally nodded, and he eased himself up into a sitting position. Getting off the bed, he was shaky, but he groped around for his cane, limping toward the bathroom. You were glad to at least see him up and responding. You followed close behind and when you got inside the small room, you started the water. Rafael collapsed down onto the toilet, breathing heavily. He seemed so exhausted from just walking. “Let me help you,” you said softly. He didn’t fight as you gently pulled his jacket off, unbuttoned his dress shirt, loosened his tie. You got him out of his clothes, quickly and efficiently, and then you felt the water before helping him ease down into it. 

“Come in with me?” he whispered, and you nodded, smiling at him. You quickly undressed, getting in the tub and leaning against him. He wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you close. His fingers ghosted across wet skin, touching and feeling. He breathed softly against your neck, his chest pressed against your back, “I’m sorry about all of this,” he whispered, “I’m sorry I’m such a mess right now, and I’m sorry I got you caught up in all of this. I fucked this all up, and I’m so sorry,” 

“Rafael,” you whispered, prying one of his hands off your side and holding it tight, “You have nothing to be sorry for. You were doing your job when it came to Alex, and nothing you could have done would deserve what happened to us. It’s not your fault. It’s Alex’s,” 

“Why the hell would he ever do that to me?” he whispered, “He was my best friend, and I know he was upset, but this. I can’t even wrap my head around it. I wish I didn’t know,” 

“I know this is so tough Raf, but you are gonna get through this. I promise. I’m so sorry that you even have to deal with this at all,” you murmured, bringing his hand up to your lips. “I love you, and I’m not going to stop,” 

“I love you too, more than you know,” he murmured, nuzzling your neck softly and pressing a few kisses on your skin. 

“I’m here if you want to talk or cuddle. Whatever you need okay?” you told him, and he nodded.

“This works just fine for now,” he mumbled. 

……………………………………………………….

When you woke up, Rafael was on the phone. He was talking in hushed tones, standing up and looking out the window beside your bed. “Yes, it’s getting ridiculous. Could you fit that in your schedule? Yeah. Thank you Rita, I owe you. Yeah I’ll forward you everything,” He was talking another couple of minutes before he finally hung up the phone. He kept staring out the window, and you stood up, taking a few steps toward him. You wrapped your arms around his waist, peeking over his shoulder out the window. You pressed a kiss to his shoulder blade. 

“Are you alright?” you asked softly. He nodded, leaning back into your arms, 

“Better than yesterday,” he whispered, “I’m trying to be okay,” 

“I know you are,” you told him, and he let you hold him close, “We can skip out on court today if you want,” 

“Let’s go get lunch, maybe go for a walk in the park,” he whispered, and you nodded, pressing your cheek against his bare back,   
“Okay, that sounds great,” you whispered, “Let’s get back in bed for awhile. I want your arms around me,” 

“Okay,” he whispered, climbing back under the covers and you crawled in beside him, letting your head rest on his chest. He rubbed little circles on your back, his large hands moving up and down over your shirt. “I love you,” he whispered, “I love you so much, and I can’t--I don’t think I could do any of this without you,”

“Have you talked to your Mom since everything?” you asked. He shook his head, sighing softly. He looked so tired. 

“I’m really upset with her,” he whispered, “I’ll get around to it eventually, but I just can’t right now,” 

“Alright Rafael, you can stay here if you need to,” you told him. He smiled. 

“Thank you, thank you so much,” he murmured against your hair. 

“Of course Raf.”

…………………………………

“What are you thinking?” you asked softly. He looked up at you over the menu. 

“Well a big cup of coffee for starters,” he whispered with a little smile. You wished it was more genuine. 

“I think I want pancakes,” you said, and he didn’t answer. You knew he was having a rough time still, sometimes getting stuck in his own head. He seemed upset, and like he couldn’t get his mind off of what happened. You wished you could do more, but when he was so withdrawn, it was hard to help him. When the waitress came over, you ordered, but Rafael seemed to have frozen. You asked her for a few more minutes. “Hey,” you said softly. He looked at you, but he didn’t say anything, “Raf, can you tell me what’s wrong?” you asked softly. He was shaking softly. He gulped, and then he lifted his hand, reaching for yours across the table. The tears that were filling his eyes broke your heart. 

“The first thing I did once I got a good job was go out to a big, fancy dinner with Alex,” he said softly, “Him and Eddie,” 

“I’m sorry Rafael,” you whispered. He looked away, tears starting to drip down his cheeks, 

“We were best friends,” he whispered, “He took care of me when I was a little kid,” You reached out, squeezing his hand, thumb brushing circles over the back of his hand. He hung his head for a few minutes, looking like he was going to start sobbing, but he wiped his eyes and started to calm down. “Rita is gonna help me with the insurance,” he said, changing the subject, “Rita wants to sue Brad, Charlie, and James, and now Alex too for my medical expenses. She’s gonna take care of me,” 

“Good Raf, I am so glad that she’s helping you work that out. One less thing to worry about right?” you said, and he nodded. He looked toward the wall, looking distracted, his eyes big and glossy with tears. You squeezed his hand one more time, trying to make some of it better. 

…………………………………………….

Sonny called you after the day was over, filling you in. It was mostly what you expected. The ME and Rafael’s doctor testified all about his injuries, detailing the extensiveness and the issues with his recovery. Brad and Charlie testified that Rafael asked them not to stop even if he said no and fought. They gave a categorical denial about everything James said. You were worried, unnecessarily anxious about the result, and as you and Rafael got dressed that morning, you were shaking. He pulled you into his arms, fingers carding through your hair. He was trying to comfort you even though he seemed to be falling apart himself. He had spent half the night crying himself to sleep. “Listen to me,” he whispered, “I think this will go well. It’s gonna be okay,” he murmured.

“You’re right,” you whispered, starting to sob softly, wiping at your cheeks, “I’m just scared. I want this all to be over,” 

“Me too,” he murmured, “I want it to be over so badly,” 

You made it out to the car, and you were terrified the whole way to the courthouse. Rafael was shaking beside you. His phone buzzed a few times, and he pulled it out, seeing his mother’s name flashing across the screen. He sighed for a second before hitting accept. “Hola Mami,” he whispered, looking down at his lap, “Si, I’m still upset,” he waited a few seconds, “I understand that. You just need to give me some space right now,” he was quiet again, “Yes. Alright. Yes I love you too,” 

“What was that about?” you asked softly, and he sighed, toying with the phone. 

“I told her she could come hear the verdict,” he whispered, and you took his hand. 

“I’m glad Rafael,” you said softly. When you made it in the courtroom, you sat beside him in the gallery. He was pale, and you were upset as well. You sat there for a little bit, but then you started to calm down, and you were trying to help him as well. The judge came in, and the jury stood up, ready to deliver the verdict. Everything felt like white noise. You could see lips moving, but no sound was audible to you. Time felt frozen until Rafael had you wrapped up in the tightest hug ever, and you knew you won. He buried his tear stained face against your neck, sobbing softly, and you just held him.

………………………………

You were laying in bed, Rafael on his stomach, researching vacations spots. His therapist told him he needed to start walking around without the cane on his own. He wanted to go on vacation whenever he could get cleared, and you thought it would be nice for the both of you. You laid down beside him, looking over his shoulder, “Paris?” you said softly, but he smiled. 

“I love Paris,” he said, “I really, really love Paris, and I want to go there with you if that’s okay,” he said softly. You smiled, 

“Whatever you want Rafael. I just want to get away from here for awhile,” you told him. He set the computer aside, 

“I need this to stop,” he whispered, “I need a change of scenery. I’m so tired of thinking about Alex and about James and Charlie and everything they did to me,” he was starting to cry again, and you just pulled his head close, stroking your fingers through his hair.

“They picked up Alex today Raf,” you whispered, “He’s going to pay for everything now,” He just nodded against you, and cried himself out. “How about you give me a kiss?” you whispered softly, hoping to put a smile on his face. He sniffled, easing himself up to gently press your lips together. What started out soft started to increase in intensity. He seemed to need the love, the contact. His hands roamed over your back, pinning your body to his. He kissed you again, the heat building up in the room. You felt his warm hands slipping under your shirt, the skin on skin contact electrifying. His brow was glistening with sweat, as he rolled you over gently, his body perched above yours. It was lazy kisses, soft presses of tongue, his hands gentle as they felt what skin they could get to. 

“I know I always say it, but you’re so beautiful,” he whispered, “I can’t keep my eyes off of you, and tonight I want you,” 

“Okay,” you whispered breathlessly. You felt scared, anxious, but his words sent shots of warmth to your stomach. You wanted him too, and you knew if it became too much, he would stop. You clung to him, and he started kissing down your neck softly, working bits of skin between his teeth and sucking until you knew there would be hickies left behind. He was careful, only doing a few in places that wouldn’t be glaringly obvious: under you ear, on the bottom side of your jaw. He stroked some hair out of your face, kissing every bit of skin he could get to, 

“Can I help you out of your clothes?” he asked softly, and you nodded. His hands were shaking as he pulled off your tee shirt, his fingers deftly hooking in your short shorts, easing them down your hips and leaving you vulnerable under his lustful gaze. “Oh god,” he whispered, “I’m never going to stop being in awe of you,” his hand cupped your breast, fingers stroking over soft skin, rolling your nipple between two as he scraped his teeth against the hollow of your neck. You gasped, back arching slightly. You clung to him, and he moved down to suck the bd into his mouth, your fingers tangling in his hair. He worked over each one with care, his hand squeezing the opposite one as he worked. He moved on after that, kissing your stomach, your thighs, “It’s okay if I….” he trailed off. You gulped, closing your eyes. It was now or never. You wanted to get it out of the way and stop stressing out. 

“Yes,” you whispered, and he was like a man consumed, his tongue hot and insistent on your clit almost immediately. He licked and sucked, fingers teasing at your entrance. His tongue dragged through your folds, making your hips buck slightly, but then he abruptly pulled away. 

“Sorry,” he whispered, his pained gasp worrying you. You watched as his climbed off the bed, sinking down to his knees and pulling your hips to the edge. He eased your legs over his shoulders, his hands resting on your thighs. His mouth was like magic, working you up, making the most obscene noises and humming as he worked. “You’re amazing,” he whispered, nipping at the inside of your thigh, fingers stroking over the sweaty skin. He licked firmly once more, before sinking two thick fingers inside of you, “That okay?” he whispered, and you nodded. He easily had you screaming his name in no time, but after just a moment’s respite, he was back at it, kissing, licking, his tongue swirling. He laughed softly as your hips rolled, grinding against his face. You moaned repeatedly as he rubbed tight circles on your clit with his thumb, tongue working other areas. You were shaking, muscles quivering as he took you apart again, but again he kept going. He was relentless and you were panting and dragging his face closer, your legs tightening around his head as your hips rolled. 

“Oh god Raf, ah fuck, oh my god,” you whispered. He latched onto your clit, sucking firmly until you were tensing up again, and then you were just a puddle on the sheets. Rafael stood up,wiping his face. Your chest was heaving, and you didn’t even feel like you could speak. “Raf,” you whispered, feeling so vulnerable and taken apart. 

“I’m coming,” he promised, easing himself up on the bed. He sat back against the pillows, shucking off his own boxers. “We don’t have to do this,” he said softly, “Not if you don’t want to,” 

“I know Rafael,” you whispered when you found your voice, “I want to,” 

“Where are your condoms?” he asked softly. 

“Drawer,” you whispered, and he reached over, rummaging around until he found a foil package, tearing it off and opening it. He pumped himself a few times, rolling it down his leaking cock. You eased yourself up on your knees, “You really need that?” you asked softly. 

“I had an STD after everything,” he whispered, “I just want to make sure,” You nodded, throwing a leg over his, straddling his hips. You reached down, getting ready to pull his white tee off, but he stopped you, “Leave it,” he whispered. You stroked his face, nodding as you picked yourself up. Rafael held himself steady and he groaned softly as you sunk down on top of him. He leaned forward, his forehead resting against yours as you worked on adjusting to his size. You ran your hands over the white material, touching him softly before slipping them under and running your fingers over the furled, tightened flesh of his scars. 

“You’re gorgeous too Rafael, absolutely stunning,” you whispered. He didn’t respond, stroking your sweaty side instead. When you starting rocking your hips, his hands tightened on your sides, guiding your movements and he was breathing harshly, hips rising to meet yours. His green eyes, full of emotion stared right into yours, 

“Oh,” he sighed, “Oh god,” Your tempo steadily increased, but it was gentle, loving, soft. He was panting, his face reddening, but then his hand dropped to your clit, rubbing soft circles as your movements grew frantic. You fell over the edge first, breathing out his name, and then his hips were snapping up to meet yours, and he was coming, saying your name over and over again. As you laid in his arms, holding him close and replaying the intensity of the encounter, you were glad that you both still had one good thing to hang onto.


	39. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for an epilogue so here it is! Hope this ties things up even that much more! :)

Epilogue

Rafael slowly got out of bed, wincing as he walked to his closet. His phone had been going off for about fifteen minutes, but it had taken him awhile to drag himself out of bed. He was still trying to get the hang of walking around the house without his cane. It was a lot of strain on his abdomen, and he had to push himself to get through. He pulled his clothes on slowly and carefully, walking down to the bathroom and combing his hair. He brushed his teeth, and then it was to the couch for him. He was probably going to spend most of his day walking and watching tv, maybe making more plans for the Paris trip. The doctor told him he needed to get out of bed at a regular time, to give himself a routine, and tried to listen. He was in the middle of his second food network show when there was a knock on the door. He struggled up to his feet, and made his way to the door, opening it and freezing. There was his mother. 

“Hi,” she said softly. 

“Uh, hi,” he whispered, crossing his arms defensively, “How are you?” 

“I’d be better if you’d talk to me Rafi. I want to make this right darling. I can’t stand you being mad at me,” she said softly. He looked down with a soft sigh, “Can I come in?” He nodded, stepping aside. “Are you just staying here with Y/N?” she asked softly. He nodded. 

“Mostly. I’m not really supposed to be on my own yet,” he said, leading her over to the couch. He needed to sit down. 

“And you’re walking without the cane,” she said with a smile, “You look so good,” 

“Thanks Mom,” he said, sighing, “I am sorry I got so upset with you,”

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to what you wanted Rafael. I should have known how serious you were about it, but I wanted to be there to support you. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she told him, “And you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I know you didn’t want what they did to you,” He had to look away for a second, tears filling his eyes, but then she was pulling him close and he pressed his face against her shirt, crying softly. Maybe things would turn out alright. 

………………………..

Light filtered through the bedroom window, illuminating the room, and you felt well rested and warm in the big, fluffy, king-sized bed. You never wanted to travel without Rafael again; he took care of everything that you could possibly think of. A gorgeous room with a view, planning your days so you could relax, but still see everything he wanted. You stood up, pulling on a robe and looking out the window and seeing the Eiffel Tower off in the distance. You sighed happily before making your way out of the room. Rafael was humming to himself in the kitchen, lookin as happy as you’d seen him in a long time. He was smiling and pouring two mugs of coffee. “Morning,” you said softly, and he smiled at you, a big toothy grin, 

“Morning,” he said back, his voice low, but happy. He set his mugs down, coming closer to you with a purpose. “You should know by now not to walk around like that. I can’t help myself,” he whispered by your ear, his hands going to your waist. You laughed softly. It seemed like the dam opened, and anytime you were just around the hotel room, Rafael couldn’t keep his hands off of you. His lips were warm on your neck, and his hands were roaming over your robe. He directed you toward the couch, easing you down onto the cushion and settling himself between your legs on his knees so he could look down at you. “Mmm,” he hummed, fingers going to the tie of your robe. 

“Where are we going today?” you asked, and he smiled, 

“We’re staying right here on this couch,” he whispered teasingly and you smacked his arm lightly, 

“If that was your plan, we could at least go to the bed,” you said with a laugh. He shook his head, unwrapping the material from your body and groaning as he drank in the sight of you, 

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, “You’re too much for me,” You blushed. He leaned down again, his lips trailing across your skin like he was going to spend all day worshipping you. You wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what he wanted though. He had worked you up to three orgasms just the day before, settling in and not letting up until you were a writhing mess on the bed. “We’re going to do this for a couple hours, and then we’re going to see the Gardens of Versailles,” he murmured against your chest. He trailed his mouth down your body before he got to his true goal. He had you moaning and tangling your fingers in his hair as he licked through your folds once more. 

“Raf, oh god, you’re gonna kill me if you keep this up,” you whispered. He laughed softly, but the vibration had you arching up and grinding against his face. 

“Sounds like a pleasant way to die,” he teased. You felt dizzy with arousal. You weren’t sure if you would survive this vacation. 

………………………….

Rafael sat up in bed, at home, well, at you apartment, but it felt like his home at this point. He didn’t want to wake up next to anyone else. As he slowly got up, he pressed a kiss to your temple before going to get a shower. You were still in bed by the time he finished his hair and his first cup of coffee. He slowly dressed himself in his favorite light grey suit, and then he sighed and looked at himself in the mirror. He had to take a deep breath, butterflies exploding in his stomach. He didn’t want to wake you up; you had off, and he didn’t want to be that needy, but he knew he needed you. He sighed, sitting down next to you on the bed and gently shaking you. You groaned, shoving your head under a pillow and he felt guilty, but he did it again. You sighed, peeking out at him sleepily from underneath the blue case, and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever loved you more. “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Can I help you?” you whispered. He looked sheepish, 

“I hate to ask you this, and I’m sorry, but will you come with me to the office?” he asked softly. 

“Hey, no, it’s alright,” you murmured, “Are you nervous baby?” you asked, and he nodded. 

“It’s just a lot,” he whispered, and you nodded, 

“Just give me a couple minutes Raf, and we can head in there together. Everything is going to be alright,” you told him. You stood up, getting dressed and then you were walking out the door, hand in hand. The cab ride had him shaking and when he got to his office, he had to spent ten minutes pulling himself together before he went in. You walked him up to his office and he too a step in, smiling at Carmen like he usually would. Then he went in the little room and almost fell over. Liv, Sonny, Rollins and Fin were there with a cake for him, and you smiled, 

“Welcome back Rafa,” Liv said softly, and Rafael smiled. He looked to you, pressing a kiss to your cheek, 

“You knew about this didn’t you?” he whispered, and you laughed. He smiled, going over to his desk and touching his name plate. Everything was going to be okay.


End file.
